Tuesday, 20 September 2011

I'm only happy when it rains...

Ok, so I lied. I did not become better after my last post which was.... when was that again? I don't even remember.

Also I am obviously very good at blogging when my life goes to shit and not so much when I am happy. So it is obviously a perfect time for a new entry here.

So... What has happened really? I am trying to get my drivers license, so I can get the fuck out from Latvia and off to UK to be together with Andy. All would be really nice, EXCEPT last Sunday I managed to already cause a car crash while learning to drive with my dad. Everyone is alive. Thank god for that. My mom obviously didn't use a seat belt while in the back seat and she sprained her arm though. The rest is okish. But again, EXCEPT the fact that now I feel sick from a single thought about driving. I am terrified to drive and have turned into a total mental wreck these last two days. And the driving lessons are like a horrible nightmare to me. The two lessons I have had after crash I have been totally useless. No, no, don't misunderstand me, I can drive. And I do. Obviously I enter some sort of automatic area where my body is doing things for me while my brain is freaking out.

The amount of concentration that goes into each of those lessons is so huge, that after I get out of the car, I can barely stand anymore and my hands are shaking all day.
I've stopped sleeping practically. I haven't eaten almost anything in these two days, while I am nauseous from fear. I can barely drink down liquids.

Yesterday I did get quite slammed on beer in a pub. Because I didn't want to be alone while Andy is at work and can't talk to me on Skype. Only that keeps that last bit of sanity still with me. And he is wonderful. I still don't get it how can he endure my bipolar ass. And not only to endure, but actually try to talk me out of a hysteria.
Also I gave him the address to this blog yesterday... I am afraid about that. Yes. Here I have talked about things that no one knows. And this is my black, little corner of mind. But I don't want to hide anything from him. Not a single thing. So yes. I believe that it was the right thing to do.

Also, I understood that an ED will not just go away even if I decide that it is bad for me. And there is a small part of my brain that feels masochistically happy that I can't force myself to eat anything. That same part that whispers in my ear when I am snacking. The same part that shouts at me if I binge. And the same part that makes me get on my scales all day through... The scales showed 75.2 kg when I woke up. I don't know how long will that last though. Will I be able to get down to 68? Ever? I don't know... I want to but I just have no faith in myself anymore. I don't know if I will drop weight, I don't know will I be able to get a license and I sure as hell don't know if I will ever be able to get my life under control. I am terrified that it will just keep on spinning in all kinds of weird directions.

The only thing that I am sure about is Andy. And thank all of the world's deities that they have given me this perfect person.

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Hello, everyone :)

I know that I keep being a horrible blogger, but I am thinking that it will change in the nearest future.

Andy left and returned to UK. He is starting work tomorrow and I am super excited for him. The job sounds great, and the team too.

BUT I feel totally crappy that he needed to go. It has been less than a day and I want to feel his hands around me again. Thinking that he will be away for at least other 3 weeks is just intolerable. And this actually is very surprising to me. I have always been very good at staying away from people and being alone, but now I am just pathetic. Actually was watching girl movies, cried and guzzled down ice cream shake like an animal. Which is pathetic, however rather normal, if I look at it from a normal person's point of view. It is normal to be upset and such. But it has been the best summer of my life so far, and not having Andy in the same time zone just drives me up the wall. So yes. At the moment I am not exactly the happiest trooper out there.

Anyhow. Tonight I have to go to my job again. Actually I am quite glad that I need to do that, since that might give me some sort of chance to get my thoughts in order.

But anyhow. I am kind of planning to make a daily schedule for myself again. Start running again, since I have been really getting lazy in this area. I am a bit hyped up about that, since I am planning to go to UK as well as soon as I am done with my driving school, which means, I am hoping to leave as soon as in two months. And I am VERY excited to do so. There is a truck load to do till then though.

But yes. Very happy about everything. Kinda satisfied with everything that is going on. And I never thought that I might be this very much at ease :)

I do hope that you all are doing fine as well.
I can promise that you will hear from me very soon again. See you then and bye for now.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Hello again after a long silence

I am not dead.

Let us start with this statement.


I have been rethinking my life a lot. And just have to admit that it has been spiralling downwards with an increasing acceleration. The ED just is making me lose whatever reasonable grain that I might have in my brain. And I just get stuck in the vicious circles of binges-self hatred-starvation-self hatred-binges-etc.

And quite honestly, I refuse to live my life like that. While that is not living. That is mere existance and is making me miserable. And that is a prospect that I refuse to accept. I am the center of my universe. The things around me are there to make ME feel better, feel more amazing, experience more.

Of course, I haven't magically accepted my body as it is overnight. But truthfully speaking - I am kind of happy with myself. There are things that I want to change. I actually might change them in time. But I don't want to make my flaws the major point of my life.

If I were to die tomorrow, I want to die knowing that I lived the life to the fullest. I lived it the way I wanted that. I exerienced all that I wanted to, or at least was striving to fulfill my Bucket List. I want to go thinking that the life has been a glorious ride. The best experience for me.

I am not giving up on this blog.

However, the nature of it is going to be changed. This is about me. This is about what I think. This is about what I feel. Love. Hate. Experience.

It is absolutely narcissistic and egoistic. I know that my future might disappoint a whole lot of people, mainly refering to my parents. But this is the way I am.

So hello everyone! I am almost a 24 year old female. I just finished university and have no idea what to do with my life. But I am wildly in love with the best person in the world, and that makes it all ok in the end.

I want to live my life one day at a time. Live as if this is the last day of my life. I want to make it count.

I guess that I have finally become the "Yes Man" :)

Friday, 15 April 2011


7 things you want to do:

1) Enter a music academy
2) Graduate uni
3) Get a carrier as an opera singer
4) Kidnap Andy :3
5) Lose weight
6) Figure out a way to get insane amount of money
7) Be permanently happy

So Andy left last night and I miss him already. Go figure why. I guess that this might feel like a junky feels. Don't know :3 Just yes. Addictive. And a hickey on my neck is a bit sore. Wondering how sore his are xD

He said "I love you" yesterday and it felt so... right to say it to him too. My only regret is that it took us so long. Eight years of knowing each other. Eight years which have flown in a frantic blurt of insanity closing in. How different would it have been, if only we would have thrown caution to the wind already then. But even now - this has been worth everything. Worth every moment of hertbreak that I have had and every moment of sorrow I might have in the future. Everything is already worth it.

Still can't believe that he is not a figment of my overactive imagination.
Maybe I am just sitting around in my apartment and talking to myself. Somehow I find such a prospect highly amusing.

Burning candles and watching "Clockwork Orange". And waiting till he will wake up after arriving at home. I just wonder if I'll be capable to stay awake till he logs in. So impossibly tired.

I slept through my uni lecture this morning. Woke up 5 minutes before the end of the lesson.

I probably should try writing some more for my essay, but my brain has turned into mush and totally is not cooperating. Anyway. I'll just read some files and maybe I might even still come up with something.

Good night everyone <3

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Ohne Dich

8 things you're known for:

1) For my headphones - I listen to music 24/7 and if I am out of my house, I always have headphones with me. Basically it is as if I would have them permanently attached to my person.
2) My silence - I know how easy it is to insult people and since I don't really like people alltogether I rather keep my opinion to myself. Even if it is totally a selfish move to get things for myself.
3) For the fact that I didn't speak to almost anyone except one person all through my first year in Uni.
4) For being that one chich who wears black a lot.
5) For singing in a band. Even though we were not popular or anything.
6) For drinking waaay too much xD
7) For being a really nice, trustworthy person - this one actually surprises me every time when I hear it. With my socially awkward, avoidant personality, which doesn't like people very much at all and watches gore flicks as comedies, I am srprised everyone still thinks of me as a nice person xD
8) For spending too much time online :D

So lately I have been a horrible blogger. I know, I know :) And OnMyWay, thank you so much for being concerned about me. You are such a sweetie :)

But the point is, as you already know, Andy is visiting and actually he is leaving in 11 hours - by bus to Tallin and then by plane to England.
This is the first time that we have spent so much time together and I am so happy with life all the damn time, that it is barely possible to keep any form on concentration. It seems that we have exchanged our average drugs of choice with each other and it is practically insufferable to be apart. And everything seems fine. In place. Fun, exciting, happy even. Feelings that I had forgotten for a very long time.
I am not sure how sane it is in our case, being both sociopathic and all. Probably if the world knew, we would be forced apart xD Quoting Andy: "Are the two of us just a killing spree waiting to happen?" But it feels right. So I don't even care if the rest of the world explodes and rains blood over me. I might be even happy with that - no one left to bother us.


Ehem... Ok... That was probably too much information :D

As for anything else, we went to the cinema to see that new movie "Paul". It was so funny. I mean, how awesome can it get - an alien with an attitude. I would strongly suggest it to anyone into scyfi and comedy :3

Thursday, 7 April 2011

Get Your Body Beat

I repaired my platform boots :D Bought the glue that is meant for shoes and glued the platform back. I was so frustrated when they fell apart. They are one of my favorite shoes ever, so no deal, if they start to fail.
And it is getting warmer outside. It has been raining like a motherfucker though. So still below 10 degrees Celsius. But I am ok with that :3

I haven't heard that voice that usually is screaming at me for eating anything at all. I don't know why. Maybe Andy has something to do with that. I have been just happy this last day. I hadn't even imagined that I missed him that much. When I saw him yesterday it was almost as if my world suddenly was right again. Like he was the missing puzzle piece. And everything was ok. And I have been eating like a normal human being and lost a kilo. Even had some chocolate.
Met Andy's dad and his grandparents. It was nice. Then stayed over at his place and had a fantastic time together. Today I am just drifting on the cloud 9 and want to dance to everything. Actually have a real dfficulty to sit here and type xD
Anyway. He is picking me up again sometime real soon. And we are going to another ex-classmate and his girl. Sounds like a nice night. Just have to do stuff tomorrow. Have to be in uni and stuff :/

Bwah! I am gone! He is here already. Till later <3

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Personal Jesus

Ah nostalgia. It has been hounting me a lot lately :D So that's why you are getting a really nostalgic song for me. Manson was something that started my transition from what everyone likes to what I like. I still remember "The Dope Show" showing on the local Music station. Manson was so shiny and new then xD And despite the fact that I was listening to Spice Girs, Backsreet boys, and *gasp* Britney I was waiting for his videos :3 eh... *sigh* good memories. The past me would probably never imagine just how deranged I'd get xD

Anyhow, I am meeting Andy's grandparents tonight. I am excited and fidgety. Hoping that they won't go all "What were you thinking!?" on him afterwards :D But I am so happy that I don't give a damn. As long as he is happy with me I don't give a shit about what everyone else is thinking. And he seems more then happy, so in your face, world! >;3
But I really need to get ready, therefore this is going to be a rather short entry :D

To finish it off

9 things that make you happy:

1) If I have a good day in singing lessons. I am extremely happy when I can sing something better then previously.
2) Winning things. I am a very sore loser and most likely will hold things against people. If I participate, I want to win. Winning makes me feel better then everyone.
3) My cat and cats in general. They are so funny and cuddly and I just want to touch them all the damn time (my cat is not amused by this xD)
4) Going to concerts. I love rocking out to my favorite bands and DJs. That is one of the reasons I loved working as a bartender. The busy days with DJs were awesome.
5) Andy. He someow manages making me smile and laugh a lot.
6) Watching movies. I love watching movies. I could probably go on movie marathons non stop. Normally, if I am doing something on my PC I am paralelly watching something on my laptop.
7) Dancing. It makes me feel free.
8) Thunderstorms. I act like a retard and pull my clothes off and dance around half naked in the rain when I am in the country and there is a thunderstorm. And generally go for a swim as well. Risky and stupid - my kind of activity :D
9) Not having things that I have to do in set periods of time. Deadlines stress me out.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Temple of Love

10 things you do when you're bored:

1) Watch movies non-stop.
2) Read a book.
3) Do hand crafts.
4) Listen to music and dance.
5) Surf the net in hope to find something entertaining.
6) Surf art pages.
7) Try working out.
8) EAT :/
9) Go for a walk.
10) Start cleaning the house obsessively.


I can almost not wait anymore. Andy is arriving tomorrow in late evening. Yesterday/today we skyped till 4am. I woke up 8am with understanding that I am not going to manage going to gym today and drifted back to sleep till 11am. But that's ok. I can't feel upset. I can't even force myself to be as upset as usually about the huge increase in weight due to constant binges during the weekend. I am just bouncy and want tomorrow to come sooner.

Anyway. My cold is ever present, which is not cool. Throat is sore and nose is stuffy. But I have a singing lesson in several hours. I have no idea how I'll pull it off. But whatever. I have had lessons also with blasting hangover, so this shouldn't be horrible xD

Did some beauty procedures - meaning pampered myself with an epilation, bath and facial. If I can't be as skinny as planned, then at least I am going to look as good as I can with what I have at the moment.

Also I think that I need to go grocery shopping. I want to treat my boy, whn he comes. And my fridge looks very empty. It would be horribly difficult to make anything at all. I just hope that I have stopped the period binge frenzy and am again safe to go in a shop and not buy just junk and nothing healhy. Fingers crossed.

Also tomorrow in the morning I have a spa appointment to do ultrasound lyposuction. I hear that it is real good and you can get 1-3 cm off after just one visit. I am not sure if I want to get it for waist or for thighs. It will probably be a last moment decision xD

Anyhow. That is all for now. Long post was long :D
Stay wonderful girls!

Monday, 4 April 2011


I am such a disappointment to my parents. Probably will lose everything that they have worked for and push them in an early death. Then die myself in poverty from alcohol poisoning or just go totally crazy.

I am not up to music today.

I wish I was stronger.
I wish I wouldn't have to cry.
I wish I cold be a better person one day.

11 signs you're not into someone:

1) I start giving very short answers.
2) I become totally introverted.
3) I start trying to avoid meeting them.
4) I openly ignore them.
5) I'll start looking around a lot.
6) I'll say that I am leaving for bathroom and then disappear forever.
7) I'll start deliberately trying to insult them.
8) I'll try arguing with them about everything.
9) I get irritated about everything.
10) I'll lie that I am ultra busy and can't talk to them, meet them, write.
11) I'll tell them straight to the face to leave me alone (this would happen, if I have enough drinks beforehand, and the person has annoyed me long enough)

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Not meant for me

12 signs you're into someone:

1) I keep staring at them.
2) I start rememering everything about them in a bit of a stalker fashion xD
3) I try hanging around somewhere near.
4) I either talk to them excessively, or run off to other end of the room. Depends if think I am becoming too obvious.
5) If I know that attraction is mutual, I'll go for physical contact: hugs, kisses, whispers in the ear, you name whatever.
6) I'll probably won't go for other guys, when I have set my sight on someone xD
7) I start fidgeting and being nervous overall.
8) They get genuine smiles.
9) I'll go in a emotional shut-down, if I see other girls coming on to my target. And if I am not feeling totally confiden about myself.
10) I'll become agressive, if someone touches something that is mine. And I am feeling confident that it is mine.
11) I'll show my ownership rights in all sort of ways. Generally with hickies in obvious places >:3 Mine is mine. I don't share.
12) They will be able to get things from me way easyer. And I'll go to rescue if there is such a need.


I am feeling horribly passive today. Quite honestly, I don't feel like doing anything at all again. Especialy go to the marathon practice, because I didn't sleep enough and have been eating like a loser. Bleh. But I know that I will feel way better about myself if I go, so no getting out of it.

Also decided to fast till Wednesday. I need to get those period munchies under control finally. Because a normal person shouldn't be able to eat that much.

My gran is sort of pouting that I don't hang around the parents apartment. Because mom and dad went off to country house, and she is feeling neglected. I know that, but I can't really help it. I don't want to be around people. I have become much more irritable and gran has this ability to make me explode in a matter of seconds even in a good day, and then I go and cuss and scream and throw tantrums and am generally not a nice person to be around.

I still have a load to do with my essay. I wish I could persuade myself to concentrate on it more. I just don't get inspiration to write. It looks more like me sitting and staring at the screen for hours.

I need to go and dry my hair. Stupid temperature is still hanging around 0 degrees. I just hope I don't get more sick after this. That would suck, because I am already caughing my lungs out and can't breathe through my nose. Which sucks big time.

Anyhow. Time to go.
Think thin!

Slept so Long

I don't even know why I cut myself a couple of times just now. I think it was to see myself bleed again. I admit, I miss the kick that bleeding gives me. Like drugs.
But I know that these couple of scratches on my thighs will be still visible for a week or so. Probably Andy will ask. What will I say? No idea. But I don't care. I missed the taste. I think I'll say just that.

Maybe my sanity is slipping again. It has been a long time since I felt a further slip. Interesting that it is a one way road. Just deeper and deeper down. I thought that I had hit a mental plateau. Now I guess that not anymore. Hmm...

I guess that I am feeling high.

I'll be waking up in 5 hours again. Should go and sleep, but not feeling like doing it. Feeling like I want to listen to Queen of the Damned soundrack over and over again. Dance the night away in candlelight.

Just four days to go


I've slept so long without you.

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside

Saturday, 2 April 2011

All Star

13 ways you break the ice:

1) Get drunk and lose social ihibitions.
2) Talk with everyone except the person I actually want to talk to.
3) Stand next to someone till there appears any reason to ask something.
4) Make eye contact, smile, turn away and carry on with my drink.
5) Dance somewhere near, looking in the general direction. Follow this with point 3.
6) Overhear a joke and giggle. Considering that number 1 is already done.
7) Draw somewhere near the bar while drinking. Some people will notice and start talking.
8) Read a book by the bar. Has the same results as number 7.
9) Ask how a coctail tastes. Obviously not working if the person is drinking beer or straight-up liquor.
10) Ask for time. Generally at this moment number 1 is already done and this question will be followed up by random banter from my side.
11) Ask for a lighter. Again not appropriate, if a person is a non-smoker.
12) Sit around and sulk till someone notices and starts talking.
13) Do absolutely nothing.

Antisocial much? xD

A Little Priest

14 not so simple facts about yourself:

1) Sometimes I think that I never finish what I started.
2) I have always gotten tired of guys as soon as I got them. Had a huge crush on a friend for 5 years. The crush ended as soon as we had an affair.
3) I like choosing people as toys and proving to myself that I can practically always get them, if I want to.
4) I cry a lot in romantic movies, books and such. Actually I am big on crying and can cry almost on cue xD
5) I am so ticklish, that I can make myself laugh. It is one way to get me completely unable to fight back or even move.
6) I have more pity for animals then people. IMHO most of the people just deserve to die.
7) I used to be an anime freak. But that faded together with my general interest on Japan.
8) I know that I can do whatever I set my mind on and be insanely successful at it with small level of effort necessary. Sadly it is too hard for me to choose just one thing and focus on that.
9) Blood makes me hungry. If I donate blood, I generally stare at the packet where it goes. And I will consume the blood, if I hurt myself.
10) I love candles. Looking at fire calms me down. The same way as looking at water.
11) When I get drunk, I become very social and generally fun to be around, because I lose any social graces and go wild.
12) I find older guys very attractive. And I don't have any problem with having a relationship with someone way older.
13) I get along with guys much better then with women. Actually I find girls more confusing then men. Men are more direct and I like that.
14) I am absolutely anti-religious. Generally I hate any sort of religion and discriminate against people who are active followers of any.

There. Maybe these facts don't exactly portray me as a nice person. However, I have promised to be honest here. So that is what I did. People who know me in reality might actually be confused to read this, because I don't show any of the negative characteristics openly. I want people to think that I am practically a saint. I find it amusing.

Anyhow. The fasting got postponed a bit. My period begun totally unexpectedly which is a good thing. I was rather sure that it is going to begin next week when Andy comes. But like this it is gong to be over by then. Which is good. The downside - I have the munchies like you wouldn't believe it. But at least the parentals are going to go off and leave me home alone again. Which will alow me to fast as much as I want it, write my essay, go to the gym and generally do whatever I want, however I want to do it. That makes me joyful :3

I think that I have run out of things to write. That is, I could blabber on and on about everything in the world, but I just don't feel like it anymore. So I'll just finish up watching Sweeney Todd and go get some shut-eye.
Good night, darlings.

Friday, 1 April 2011


Glitch - I am happy that you like the music. After all, I want everyone to get to know what I like and it is nice that someone else finds the same things good.
Today another band from Latvia - Dzelzs Vilks (Iron Wolf) :3 This is one of their songs that makes me want to go and dance around. And they play wicked concerts :D And their Base is hot. Or maybe his hair is hot. I have a huge thing for long haired guys, which would be so tatally obvious if you'd just take a look at my ex's xD But there is something about the long hair that makes me want to go and tangle my fingers in it. I just love it. A fetish? Maybe... probably... oh who am I kidding! Most definitely xD
Eh. Now I want Andy (and his semi-longish hair) to arrive sooner xD

And I want to take another of those things about yourself challenges. I find them absolutely fun to do and I am narcissistic, so bare with me. This one is for 15 days:

15 basic facts about yourself.
14 not so simple facts about yourself.
13 ways you break the ice.
12 signs you're into someone.
11 signs you're not into someone.
10 things you do when you're bored.
9 things that make you happy.
8 things you're known for.
7 things you want to do.
6 things you'll never do.
5 good things about you.
4 bad things about you.
3 ways to make me cry.
2 ways to win my heart.
1 thing you need to say.

So let's start:
1) I am from Latvia - Eastern Europe, Post-Soviet, middle one of the Baltic States by the Baltic Sea :D
2) I am a bisexual woman
3) I am born on 4th of July. My American uncle used to call me his independence girl :3
4) I am bi-lingual. Got a native speaker level in English when I was in school. My mother toungue is Latvian (which is absolutely not similar to Russian)
5) I study Japanese in Uni, but I hate it :/ Just want to graduate and forget about it.
6) I Love Cats. More like ADORE Cats.
7) I procrastinate a lot.
8) Lazy beyond words :D
9) I am obsessed with Vampires.
10) I have been into Goth thing since very early teens. So more then 10 years now.
11) I am anti-social. And have a whole bunch of other personality disorders.
12) I can't live without music.
13) I love Opera.
14) My favorite color is Black. I would gladly have almost everything in Black :D
15) I live in the basement apartment. Which belongs to my parents. I am your typical child who never moves out and never gets on their own two feet. At least up till now xD

As for food, I have not been doing good with food these couple of days. I think I lost the ABC midset somewhere and kept on sinning with food. Probably because I am cranky about being sick :/ But I am thinking about fasting all through the weekend, starting Friday morning till Monday morning. Of course, given that I can get out of eating together with my prentals. hopefully they will just leave for the country house and I can stay here with the excuse that I need my fast internet to write my essay. Studies is generally a valid reason for things when I am speaking with them, so should be ok. At least I hope. Otherwise I am not so sure how to avoid food.

Otherwise things are going ok-ish. Skyping with Andy a lot and anticipating Wednesday :D I still have to do a lot of essay writing till then, so that I actually can chill while he'll be here. Not sit around and write :/ That totally doesn't fit in my plans.
Oh and I am watching movies non-stop as the background for my writing. And I came to the conclusion that "Kill Bill" and "Natural Born Killers" are something like my ultimate romance movies. As I said to Andy today, what is better to inspre myself to write about romantic stuff then people killing people, with romance! It is just how I tick. And I approve of Mickey And Mallory's relationship and ideas in "Natural Born Killers". The same way as I approve of Bonnie and Clyde. If that makes me wrong, I don't care about being right :D

Anyhow. I have a lesson in uni in... umm... 8 hours. Need to go and crash for some 6 xD I know that I won't have to do anything there anyway. Just sit by myself and write my essay. But still. I have to be there, because I have been lazy and have been to that damn lesson only twice this semester up till now. The best thing is - no one really cares anyway. I just feel a bit bad about not going myself xD

So good night/morning/afternoon/evening, depending on where you are ;D I am off.

Wednesday, 30 March 2011


So I forgot to update yesterday. I wasn't busy, wasn't too tired, just... forgot.

Anyhow. Let's start with the fact that it was super fun to ride again. I hadn't been on a horse for I don't even remember how many years :D Definitely want to do that again sometime.

But on the negative side, yesterday was fucking cold! The wind was blowing so hard and it was even snowing periodically. And there we were on the horses for an hour in this shit weather. Also were outside for an hour before that and two hours after that, because obviously, the fucking bus comes once every two hours there and we missed one. As a result, I still feel a bit shaky inside. Yesterday after returning home say under a blanket with hot tea all evening and shivered.

And this leads to the fact that I sort of binged yesterday. Still had less then 1000, but it was suposed to be 300kcal day :/ At first had my peace of chicken and the bullion to keep me warm, but then started feeling my throat go numb and freaked out that I can fall ill. Hence ate honey and a couple of apricots. Should have stoped there, but then I don't even know why, ate three slices of smoked ham. Because it smelled so good, that I couldn't resist.
And felt like shit all the time.

Today woke up with a sore throat and full nose. So the honey didn't change anything. Shit :/
But went to the gym and ran till I saw that I have burned 1000kcal. At least that should undo the damage. But again the downside - I tripped over my own feet and I seem to have sprained my hip joint. So probably won't go to gym tomorrow. And my stomack is sort of upset that I ate that much yesterday.
Today is 400kcal day in ABC, but I am planning to have only slightly over 200. Serves me right for yesterday.

Anyhow. Off to do some cleaning. Burn some more of those calories.
See you later :)

Andy made me smile like an idiot with a single message. I can't be more happy <3

Monday, 28 March 2011


I really should be writing my essay not blogging but this is probably the last thing that I can figure out to procrastinate. I have done everything else already xD Even watered flowers all over my apartment, did some knitting while watching Simpsons, ate my cauliflower, thought about eating everything that my gran made today, which frustrates me. Actually still thinking, but I don't really want to, which is crazy.

But the day has not been bad.

The Day 6 (200kcal) of ABC is almost done. I am hoping to go to bed in 2 hours and hence avoid food by all costs. I hate it when gran is here. She cooks absolutely obsessively. I came upstairs at 12pm and she already had cooked a whole bunch of stuff. Then she proceeded to making salads, and meat, and potatos, and baked mushrooms, and etc, etc, etc. I think she is crazy! I have begged her so many times not to do it. But she does it never the less. I have cried, tried reasoning, shouted, threatened and cursed. Nothing works. And it is so difficult to sit here when the whole apartment smells of food 24/7. It is like a temptation galore every day. But I am fighting. I don't want to give up again. There I go again. Talking about food all the damn time. I am just so angry at the moment that I don't even want to see her :/

But I went to the gym in the morning. Spent almost 1.5 hours on the treadmill. Ran 10km and burned 750kcal. That was nice. I am still feeling a bit tired. But not all that tired, so I think I will be a-ok tomorrow to go again.

Ah. I wanted to comment on the song for today :D It is a Latvian folk metal band and they are ones of my favorites alltogether, so yeah. I am a bit of a nationalist. Have to admit that. And I am proud of my roots. I just wish that the government weren't such cunts. Anyway. If you like this one, you might like also other songs from them. Look around for Skyforger on youtube and such ;)

All right. I have run out of things to say xD No reason at all to put off writing anymore. So will make some tea and get to it.

I hope that this day was nice for you all too :)
Stay lovely <3

Sunday, 27 March 2011


I am so tired and there is absolutely no reason for that. Have been sitting on my ass all day and watching TV. And daylight savings suck! Seriously, it is 8:20 pm already. Feels like it shouldn't be that late.

Yes... And I guess some more elaboration about that last post should be due. umm... I don't even know where to start.
Well, probably it would be the best to start off with the fact that I had a lot of fun in the concert. It was real awesome. We had a photoshoot with my band playing-ex (that's too long to write out every time. Let's call him Bill) and some more friends, had a lot of beer and Jagermeister. The other Ex actually told me that his girlfriend is crazy jealous of me, which made me lol really hard.

But yes, getting to the point of yesterday's post. I have a really hard time with accepting and/or giving love openly. In the 8th grade I had my first BIG crush, which resulted in a disaster and me having a nervous break down and going absolutely mental. My classmates found my diary and after that my crush and the rest of my class made my life a living hell. Basically they drew me to the first time of trying to commit a suicide.
And after that point I don't trust people. Anyone at all. And also I promised to myself never ever to say "I love you" to anyone unless I would be 200% sure of the feelings in return. Basically I said that I will not give a shit about love ever again and hopefully won't have to deal with this tedious feeling.
So at this moment for me to really want to go and scream at the world that I love Andy is terrifying to me. I just don't want to be heartbroken again. I am too tired to pick up the peaces all the time. And I know that even now, if he would break it off, I'd be devastated. And what if I get these stronger feelings? That would probably drive me to the point of madness. And I am afraid to let someone have that much control over MY life.
So maybe that explains a bit more about what is going in this twisted little world that I call my mind.

But on to more cheerful and way shorter side of my post.

Day 5 (100 kcal) of ABC is done. Actually didn't even feel like eating at all. But had some lettuce with a spoonful of plain yoghurt and 2 small carrots. I really hope to see a decline tomorrow. I just don't want to be fat anymore. Enough is enough.

Oh. My parents just arrived, so I am signing off. Have to go and greet them.
So bye, bye. And till later.


Andy. I miss you like crazy. And the fact that I am drunk totally doesn't help me out at all. I wish I could tell you all of the things that go through my mind all the time. And the funny thing is, that you are there in at least half of the thoughts.
And I actually wish that I was not this drunk, but I am witing your this letter that will never be read by you.

Actually... Just wanted to say - I love you.

That's it...

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Bad List

I think my cat hates me today. I am staying alone at home, since the rest of my family left for the country house. I am so happy, like you couldn't believe it. But anyway, I decided to try bringing my cat downstairs to my basement, but he obviously hates the place or something. It has been 5 hours since I brought him here, and he stopped crying by the door just after two hours and for the last three hours has been sitting under the table and not coming out. I don't even know why. It is so frustrating, because he is supposed to be MY cat, but I see him the least. Which sucks. Will have to bring him back upstairs, because I think that he will have a heart attack, if I leave him alone when I go to the party.

And WhiteSkinnyAngel, your comment made me laugh so hard :D I have very liberal attitude towards sex, yes. And being nimphomaniac doesn't exactly help it. So I have lost my count quite a long time ago. Those guys were my ex-friends-with-benefits so to say.
However, now that I am together with Andy, it just feels really wrong to even think about others in a more intimate way. And he knows this about me and hasn't judged me for that. I can't ask for more ;)

Oh yes, Day 4 of ABC (400 kcal) - finitto :) Had my boiled fish with avocado and lemon two hours ago. It is 8pm and I am getting ready to go out. No more food for me. Also planned out my diet till the end of March. Now I just have to stick to it and it will be awesome. Also bought the foods that I will be needing for the next three days. That is - almost all. Will have to go and get my cottage cheese tomorrow around dinner time. Forgot to get it today :D Actually, it feels really strange to plan out the meals so much in detail. Really unusual and will take some time to get used to. But I keep telling myself it is worth everything.

So anyhow. I am going to get my hair and make-up done now. High time to do that, since I am going out in less then 2 hours or so :D

Stay strong and keep rocking!

Friday, 25 March 2011

You give Love a Bad Name

So as you can figure there is a pattern to the songs appearing in my blog. Generally, I post the song that I am listening at the moment of writing, so you get more of the mood that I got here while writing xD I am just a dork like that.

Anyhow, I am sipping the last cup of tea ("Yoga tea" from a local producer "Apsara". Which is really yummy and spicy). The day 3 of ABC, which is a 300kcal day, is successfully finished. I have the tomorrow's food already planned out. Actually will have fish and salad, since it is going to be 400kcal day and I can incorporate it. Also planning to go out in the evening and dance my butt off. It is going to be a goth night at one of the local clubs, so I am excited to go. My Ex is going to DJ and my other Ex is going to play with his band. We are still awesome friends with both, so it is all good. And being around those two always makes a hell of a good evening :D

Also I have almost finished kntting myself a bag. Which is awesome. I am guessing that I still have some 3-5 biggest loser shows worth of knitting to do though. Maybe finish it till Monday, but I am not really rushing. Still planning to do a solid amount of work on my essay. Hopefully somewhere between 5-10 pages worth of it. That would be nice to see.

Anyhow, I am really tired now and don't even know why, since I haven't exactly been doing anything much. Just sleepy and such. So off to bed with me.
Good night and stay lovely!

Thursday, 24 March 2011

The Beast Must Die

Yes, the name of the post is absolutely unrelated. But the song rocks, so that's why I am using it anyway ;)

Today was the second day of ABC so it was a 500kcal day the same as yesterday. However, I didn't feel like eating all day. For lunch had a boiled broccoli and for dinner one orange. Didn't even feel like eating that orange, but thought that it will be better to stay on the safe side and have it anyway.

Last night was quite fun. Not awesome, just average. Nothing really interesting, so I am just happy that I burned some calories on that dance floor. I really felt like I wanted to get drunk again, but having no money prevented that. It has been a while since I was drunk and I am missing it a bit. What can I say, I like my alcohol.
But at least I was good. I have always been picking up guys at parties, because I like sex a lot. But I didn't this time. And I must say that it felt wrong to even consider that. I have never previously felt wrong about it, so that was new. I guess Andy has an impact on me in this area as well. Will have to take some time adjusting to that, but it was not a bad feeling. When I came home at 6am all I wanted to do was skype him and tell that I am home. Though I miss him really bad despite the fact that we are on skype practically 24/7 :) But it is less then 2 weeks left till he comes so I am fine with that.

Tomorrow morning will go to gym. I don't care how, but I have to persuade myself to do that. I actually feel bad about not going there.
And next week me and my cousin are going horseback riding. We got an hour long ride as a present from my parents. I am super excited. Can't wait.

And by the way, I forget to mention all the time, I am taking part in a lose weight for charity project here in Latvia. The amount of weight we lose till the end of April is going to be donated to help three really sick kids. Gnerally I just want to lose as much weight as possible. And if I can go well into 60s by then I'll be super glad. And I know that I can pull it off. It shouldn't be so difficult, because I know myself. I just need to avoid binges. And since I am on ABC it should be all good.

Anyway. It is late and I am really tired. Off to sleep with me :)
Good night, my lovelies!

Wednesday, 23 March 2011


So I decided to start ABC diet. I think that it might be my last opportunity to drastically drop weight till Andy returns. Especially because I have been horrible in the last week or so, because I fell into some sort of emotional slump again.

I think that the last year of the uni is having its toll. I know I have to do so much, but I don't want to, so it is pressing on me with a weight of thousand suns. I need to write my bachelor's essay. And I know that I should be half done with it already, but my procrastination has lead to the fact that I have just some fifth done. And I get so stressed out about it that I am in a horrible mood and with no energy and I want to crawl away from people and barricade myself in my apartment with movies and comfort food. Which will just corrupt my situation even more in the long run.

Fuck... I wish I could just magically travel in time to end of June, when I will be over and done with that shit. eh... I am allowed to dream.

Anyway. It is time for me to get back to work and stop whining about things.
Sending you all skinnies.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

The Curse of Millhaven


Glitch and Moonlight Mistress! I am so honored that you thought me valuable of the award especially considering all of the failures that I go through. Really thank you, girls!

So then here I go with the 7 facts:

1) I used to draw all the time. All of my notebooks were covered with doodles and I carried around a whole map of drawings around. However, for the last two years I can barely ever get any inspiration to pick up a pencil.
2) I honestly think that the amount of negative thinking about Japan and how much I don't want to have anything to do with it lately, has had some impact on the fact that the whole country is getting eliminated now. The bad part is, that I can't force myself to feel guilty. Which makes me a bad person obviously.
3) I think a lot of twisted things. Gore flicks and horror movies make me squeak with glee.
4) Sometimes I think that I will end up in prison eventually.
5) Music is my air. If there would be no music, I would off myself for sure. Actually it has kept me from killing myself so many times in the past.
6) I have considered hitman and stripper as legit carrier opportunities for me.
7) I want to know everything in the world. That is why I read all sorts of unrelated books.

As for the 10 bloggers that I would want to bestow this upon:
1) Toni
2) Kat
3) MadelinaCooke
4) Olivia Lee
5) Journey back to SKINNY ME!
6) WhiteSkinnyAngel
7) matrunner
8) Charl.
9) Thin_Envy
10) billiejean_1

I love reading your blogs, girls. And I am really sorry that I don't comment all that much. The stuff is going really hectic here and it is hard to wrap my head around everything.

On the other hand, I had a feeling that I really want to draw today. so this is what came out of the silly sketching session:


Nothing really fancy or anything, but just something. That is how I see my cigarette smoke. I have been smoking a lot lately. Which is probably not good, but whatever.

Oh and this song is going to make me smile a lot from now on. Andy sid that it has always reminded him of me. Which is sweet. And I love that song.

Anyway. Have a nice day everybody :3

Sunday, 20 March 2011

Binge and whatnot

I want to start with a huge thank you for the support on the previous post. Girls, you are awesome! Though that makes me feel really shit that I couldn't go at the diet for all weak.

The day after the fast I felt so sick after the gym that decidet to have some food, but of course being that horrible person I am, I ate so much. Obviously those three days of diet did absolutely nothing in the long run. I am feeling huge and lethargic, like all I want to do is sleep till I wold feel empty again. Hate this stuffed feeling. Even bought natural laxies - sennae pills. But of course, since they are natural and stuff, the effect is so mild, that it is practically non-existant. So absolutely no use just a waste of money.

Tony, you asked about fasting with diet coke on my last post. I do believe that it is not a healthy thing to do quite honestly. Considering the fact that Coke can help you get rust off from metal and stuff. But I have never been big on health, so I tend to overlook that. It is more like that feeling - it is sweet and tasty and I can still have it. It helps me fight my cravings for certain time. I hope that I could explain xD

I keep staying up really late. Which is Andy's fault. We are both horrible procrastinators and keep putting off our study/job things. And to do that we skype a lot. And look on internet for all sorts of fun things and share them... And it becomes like a neverending circle of doing nothing productive. I mean tonight 3am I was still not sleeping and browsing 4chan for lack of better things to do even though I had decided be a good girl and work on my bachelor's essay. And to top it off I was snacking on crisps. Now it is 9:30am I woke up just now and I am feeling sleep deprived and my stomack hurts from eating too much and too late.

On a more positive note, we are learning a lot about each other and just how corripted we both actually are. I don't believe that there is even the slightest chance for heaven after I die. And the thing is, I'm totally ok with that.

Relatedly, have some Jim Jefferies speaking on religion and pandas to improve your mood ;D I am warning you, if you are really religios, you are going to get insulted, don't watch. But he actually nails my oppinion really well xD

Anyway. Have a great day, lovelies. I'll try not to procrastinate and talk myself out of dong nothing all day again.
Have fun :)

Wednesday, 16 March 2011


Yes, yes. I know that I have been spamming lately. But I feel like writing all the time. Probably could sit and write all day and then post some huge thing which would take forever to read :D

Feeling way better then after the gym. Actually the woozyness passed not such a long time after I posted. Some three hours maybe.

I went out in the evening. Bought myself a ticket for an opera translation. I'm excited to see it. It is "Anne Boleyn" with Anna Netrebko and Elina Garanca (who is a Latvian. I am so proud of her). Can't wait.
Also ought myself a pair of jeans, because my old ones are so worn out that there is a hole on the thigh. I'll probably make shorts out of them. But the new ones are nice. I still need to work on my weight so they fit better. I hate always having to look for the big sizes. It is fucking annoying. I need my ass to decrease.

But at least the fast went ok. I haven't eaten anything. Just drinking my diet coke, which has decreased my apetite. Thank god for that. Otherwise I tought that I won't be able to hold through. Even took a chocolate candy and chewed it. Then spit it out before I managed to swallow any of it. No way I am going to succumb to the temptation this time.

Oh and Andy let me know that he is coming again in April. I seriously need to work on my bachelor's till then. I want to have as much free time as possible when he is here. And I want to rid myself of uni related things. They are bothering me too much.

I am almost ready to drop dead and sleep till the morning. So tired today. i hope to get some energy in the morning.

Good night and stay lovely :)

Animal I have Become


Feeling pretty damn bad. Maybe I overworked my body or something, but at the point it feels like waves of nausea are coming and going. I just hope I don't get a really huge wave. Even though I don't think that I got anything to throw up. Just water. My last meal was almost 20 hours ago and consisted of half a cup of corn. No way there is anything left. And I am feeling hungry. Like really hungry. I-could-eat-EVERYTHING hungry. But that is ok. I knew that it will be like that. It isn't a surprise, which is probably why I am able to hold through it.

I'll try taking it easy for the rest of the day. I know that I'll still have an hour long walk in the evening, but I suppose that I'll be better till then.

Oh my lord I am tired. I would much rather just sleep the day away, but I still got my music lesson and solfege, and a lot of work on my bachelors. Why do I have to feel like crap when I got so much to do? D:< Fuuuck.

Only that song is still pushing me through. Actually it is pretty much how I am feeling. So it is probably going to sit on repeat all day xD

Oh yes, and I wish that Andy was here. I am missing him so badly now. Though if he were here, I'd probably get no work done what so ever. Cuddle up to him, joke around, watch some movies and fall asleep. Honestly, that is all that I want to do xD Well, sucks for me. Work now, play later.

Stay strong, girls. We all need that ;)

Love you to Death...


To begin with, Glitch, the specifics of the rainbow diet are some posts ago in my blog :) It is basically eating certain amounts of specific color food each day. It is really restrictive, but that is what I like about it :D

So today is my fasting day. And my muscles are really sore. Like my feet are killing me. But I am off to gym in a couple of minutes.
Yesterday was going really well in every way. Intake and exercise and I was doing physical things like crazy. Oh and had a 15 minute sauna session in the gym, which was nice for my sore body. Though today I am feeling like not doing anything at all, which is bad. Bad girl, bad. A lot of things to do!

Anyway. have to stick to my schedule, so I am gone like five minutes ago xD
Stay lovely, girls!

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

RIP Anthony DiGeronimo

I might have never met you or even known you, but what happened to you was unjust. We have the right four our own oppinion without people telling us what is the correct belief. I believe that we'd have had a lot to talk about. You will not be forgotten.

Hence today is something heavyer in my playlist:

On the more positive note, Rainbow diet is going well. Yesterday was nice and I don't really feel hungry jet. Tomorrow is a fasting day though, so I probably will start feeling it then.
I am off to gym again.
Stay strong, beautiful girls!

Monday, 14 March 2011

The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner

Felt like listening to that again :D And wanted to share it with you too.
Probably felt like listening to this, becaus I just ran 8 km. My feet are like jello and I am loving it. An hour on the treadmill, 25 minutes on the eliptical, 15 minutes on the bike, 100 squats with 30 kg weight. Then a long shower and came home.

I revised my daily schedule to make it more apropriate for human. Like incorporating some periods of time to do something for myself. Like watching a movie, knitting, reading, whatever the hell I would feel like doing. This time it actually looks acceptable.

I'm off to do stuff. Have to study that Japanese.

A Place Called Home


Finishing my morning tea (Special Chai blend that Andy brought me). Tasty, tasty. I love teas so much that I own some 20 different sorts. It is like a biggest decision of the morning which one to drink :D

I'm about to go to the gym and run until my feet fall off. Actually I'm spending an hour on the treadmill, which gets me to around 8km, which is good. Just thinking that I'll have to do almost 3 times as much makes me creep out a little. But I am really excited. 2 more months to prepare myself for that.

Oh I keep getting these creepy food dreams. Like when I wake up in panic that I have been binging like a maniac. And then even go to check to fridge just to make sure that I was not really sleep-eating. Scares the crap out of me. I don t really think it is normal at all.
Oh and I was walking around the city bare foot in my dream. That was a nice feeling. I wish summer comes sooner.

Bye, bye beautiful girls. Sending you skinnies!

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Rainbow diet

Hello my darlings!

Have any of you heard about or even tried the pro ana rainbow diet? I stumbled on it by accident today and decided that it would be the best thing to try it myself. Especially since tomorrow begins a new week and I am really willing to get myslef going right. So the food plan for the week goes like this:

Monday (white):
Breakfast: ½ apple (40.5 cals)
Lunch: ½ apple (40.5 cals)
Dinner: 1 cucumber (24 cals)
Total: 105 cals

Tuesday (yellow):
Breakfast: 1 banana (108.5 cals)
Lunch: 1 banana (108.5 cals)
Dinner: ½ cup corn (66 cals)
Total: 283 cals

Wednesday (fast):

Thursday (orange):
Breakfast: ½ orange (31 cals)
Lunch: ½ orange (31 cals)
Dinner: 1 carrot (26 cals)
Total: 88 cals

Friday (red):
Breakfast: ½ cup strawberries (21.5 cals)
Lunch: ½ cup strawberries (21.5 cals)
Dinner: ½ red pepper (16 cals)
Total: 59 cals

Saturday (purple/blue):
Breakfast: 10 blueberries (8 cals)
Lunch: 10 blueberries (8 cals)
Dinner: 10 raspberries (24 cals)
Total: 40 cals

Sunday (green):
Breakfast: ½ cup grapes (57 cals)
Lunch: ½ cup grapes (57 cals)
Dinner: 1 cup lettuce (7 cals)
Total: 121 cals

Week total: 696 cals

I think it would be so awesome for me to do it. At least detox my body. And afterwards I could go on SG diet. I am sure that I can totally do the working days. The only point I am worried about is the weekend because I am around my parents practically all day and on sundays they like us to have lunch together. I guess I'll just try lying my way out of it again. Not like I am not able to do that. I am a compulsive lier anyway, so not much difference.

Unrelatedly, It has been a really long time since my last post. Basically because I have not been good at all. That horrible fat pathetic person has awoken again. I had my period finally. I already was thinking that I might be preggers or something. And that was totally not necessary. Also caught a cold. Damn, I hate being sick.

By the way I quit the band. Which makes me sort of relieved. It was not working out anyway.

On the positive note, the things with Andy are going well. It only frustrating not to have him by me all the time. That would make things way better.

Anyway. I'll be updating more from now on and let you know how the Rainbow diet is going.
Have fun everyone!

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

No words...

I don't know how I feel again. Somehow, I have gotten to some sort of a deep emotional hole today. I guess that I can't get too much happyness in my life. Soon enough I start second-guessing myself and I corrupt myself to fall in to an abyss.
Needless to say that I have binged like crazy. The disturbing thing is that I don't feel guilty, or sad. I don't reall feel anything at all. Which is way worse.

Anyhow. I want to be good. Maybe that would make me feel something. It should, shouldn't it?

On other hand, I look at the small bruise/hickey on my hand that reminds me of the beautiful weekend that I had with Him. And I am compelled to smile, remembering the hickeys I left on His neck.
Maybe my mind is throwing me into this abyss as a self preserving action. I know myself well enough. Nothing works out with people - girs, guys, romantic, friendly, whatever. I just screw up somehow and lose everyone dear to me. That is how it goes. And after the last fuck up, I had decided never to love again. But now I feel like that eternal freeze is coming undone, and I am terrified. And the worst thing is, that He has returned to England again and here I am just being able to read His lovely messages. And the more I read them, the more freaked out I get that I might screw up the best chance at happyness I have ever had. He knows me. 100% and He hasn't run off jet. But what if He comes back after a month and this time I say or do something that will freak Him out?
I know I am acting paranoid, but I don't know any better. That is what defines me.
I wish I could be more beautiful. I wish I were smarter, more interesting, more mysterious, more of everything. I want to be all the He would want to have. I would want to wake up to see His face in the morning and I want to feel His hands around me proving that I am not going to wake up to find myself back where I was before.

And this insecurity has thrown me into feeling that there is no control what so ever in my life. None at all.

Why can't I just rip my heart right out of my chest and throw it out? It hurts too much to have it...

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Fantastic day

It is a great beginning for a gorgeous day :) I don't remember when have I been this positive about a day alltogether xD

It is a sunny morning, 0 degrees C and it has been snowing at night so the streets are covered with snow.
Just stepped out of a shower and now sitting with a towel around my head still :D
Woke up at 6:30 to charge my iPod and a bit after 7am went for a nice hour long run that was 6km. It was a bit difficult to run along the river because of the sharp wind. My nose froze off xD
I found a training plan for half marathon (the 21 km one) online, and it actually seems possible that I could do it. Even though my feet are still sort of sore from the previous run. Suck it up muscles, we are doing this!
Did also 150 crunches and some stretching and splits. I feel so energized.

Now I'm going to have my kiwi and soy milk smoothie. It is simply yum! And gives me proteins after sports too, so a win-win situation.

fter an hour I'll surprse our sweet neighbours with singing. I think they will want to murder me for singing at 10am on Saturday, but the point is, I won't have any other time to do it, so whatever :P

And on 12 I have my date with Him. We are going to a tea house where we can lounge on big, soft pillows and sip tea for hours on end. Oh god, I love that tea house. And I can have a beautiful view on the Riga channel and park and opera house. How good can it get?

Oh yeah. The sushi party yesterday was Great. So tasty and good. Oh my god. Sinfully good :D
Though I am planning a 4 day fast beginning monday. Or maybe beginning tuesday. I am not sure jet. I want to know how long He is going to stay and then I'll switch my plans around a bit.

Anyway. Off to make my smoothie.
Have a fantastic day everyone! Love you all!

Have some of my kind of Thinspo ;D

Thursday, 3 March 2011

I forgot .

I forgot to update on other things aside the running xD Lame.

Yesterday me and my mom went out shopping and she bought me a gorgeous red dress. Which is a tiny bit too small for me, which is a win. I really want it to fit perfectly. And then I want it to fall off me. I really want it so bad!
Especially since I am going to wear it anyway on saturday when I am going out with Him. I am so excited! I miss Him so much.

And I had my Aura photographed. They said that I have a orange/yellow aura, which signifies determined people, thinkers with insightful mind, stubborn people and so on and so forth. I have like 20 pages of information xD
They also said that the best sports for people like me are running, swimming and cycling. I want spring and summer so bad now to do all that more often. I love swimming so much.

I think that I am hooked on watching The Biggest Loser. In some sort of perverse way I like watching fat people being tochered in the gym.

Another thing - I think that my period is trying to be a real bitch. My last one was on 4th of February, so it is really due. But since I am going out on Saturday, it probably will start either then or tomorrow. Just because. And I won't be able to get me sex. Which sucks. I mean seriously! I just hope it won't start for another week or so. Whatever that it is overdue. I just don't want to have it now.

Tomorrow evening I am going to the sushy bar with two of my cousins. It will be sort of nice I hope. And then we want to watch a movie. Probably The King's Speech, because one of them is really excited about seeing it. I just hope that it will be good.

Anyway. I still want to watch some of the Biggest Loser and continue knitting my bag. I think I'll be done with that soon enough too.

That is it for now. I'll be back tomorrow with some more updates :)

Decisions, decisions

I read just recently that there will be the Riga Marathon in 22nd of May. And my great decision is to take part in the 5 kilometer mini-marathon this year.

I have NEVER been able to run very well and NEVER have even attempted running long distances really. But I have been doing physical exercises a lot and have acheaved decent goals in endurance training.

So today I thought, what the hell. I'm going to go out despite the stupid snow and ice covering the sidewalks and despite that it is coldish outside and just try out how far can I get. And I just finished my running that lasted 1 and a half hours. My final result is 8.9 km :D Yay! And I feel totally fine. I could still run longer just I am worried that I might catch a cold or something. That actually shows that I might go for a better faster time result.

It will take a lot of exercising, but I can totally pull it off. And to think that when I was graduating high school, I couldn't run 1.6 km in the stadium. Makes me sort of proud of myself.

I actually wish I could go for the half-marathon, which is 21 km, but I thin that would be a bit too high for me at the moment xD Maybe next year. And after that the full marathon of 42 km. That one sound totally unreal to me at the point. But a lot of people do it.

Anyway. That is just a little something I have decided to do :)

Oh and other thing. I am trying to figure out a way to quit my band. The work with them is going absolutely nowhere. Which is a pity. I thought that it could be promising, but it has gone straight into a dead-end :/ Oh well. You win some, you lose some. I have some way more important things to win anyway.

Sending you skinnies!

Monday, 28 February 2011

Ok. It will be ok.

Here I go again with my emotional rollercoster thing. After that miserable post yesterday, I have some sort of high today. This happens to me all the time.

Firstly I have to start by thanking you wonderful girls for the support. I really needed that. I am so glad to have you all.
Thank whatever deity there is, my migrene has passed. The thing is, I have been having periodic migrenes since I was 3, so I am having my 20 year migrene anniversary xD Sort of.
My parents don't know how often I have these horrible ones, when I feel like Iwould need to smash my head against walls or something. Because I normally have had them only later in the evening when I can lie and just crawl down to my apartment and take them on by myself.
And of course I don't want to go to a doctor, since there have been three cases when I was hospitalized with stomack failure due to drug overdose. I wanted to die so badly that I just overdosed pain-killers.
A therapist that I used to go to said that I need serious help and drugs and that she won't work with me, because she doesn't want to have such a responsibility. But,of course, this is me and I don't want any help. I might be in a fucked up emotional place, but I deal with it myself. That is how I have always done it.

Anyhow. That was just a short insight into my mind.

But today I am in a better place then what I used to be all last week. I am downloading some cartoons for me to elevate my mood. The future seems promissing for now.
It even seems that promissing that I really considered trying to take on ABC xD Which would be an epic fail soon enough, since I will have to go to a sushi bar with my cousins some time this week and He is returning from UK on Saturday morning :3 This point makes me very happy. I just hope that I can be good till then and look as good as possible when He arrives.

Today I have had:

Breakfast (73 kcal): Right Balance probiotic drink.
Lunch (385 kcal): Several salami slices, a kiwi fruit, and a pumpkin seed cookie.
Dinner (34 kcal): Tomato, cucumber and radish salad with vinegar.

Total of 492 kcal.
Stupid salami is so heavy and calorie rich. Damn. And I estimate the cookie at around 100 kcal. Overall, not bad. Just could have been better and more healthy.

Exercise wise, I have really lazied up. Can't get my butt off the couch. Should at least do something. I'll try.

I hope that you are all doing well, darlings.
Sending you skinnies and all of my love!
I have a morbid feeling that my body is failing me.

This last week has been horrible health wise and subsequently emotionally dreadful. In my last post I already mentioned having a stomack flu. And I actually thought that by fryday evening I was over and done with it. The thing is, I am not sure if that was really some sort of flu. Because knowing how all over the place I am with my food, it might be that I just fucked myself up again.
Yesterady I woke up with a mildly sore throat and today too. Which wouldn't bother me much, unless I would have to sing. It is my profession, I can't afford to be unhealthy.
But the top of everything was today. Around 1pm I got a headache, which turned out into a full blown migrene with nausea and throwing up. It went to the point where my parents insisted on calling an ambulance, because I could practically not breathe from pain anymore. I didn't want the doctors obviously. It just makes me see how weak and pathetic I am. WTF? Can't I survive a headache? That is why I never want to be around people when I feel bad. They worry and I want them to just leave me alone.
Anyway, the doctors pumped me full with medicines and put me to sleep. I woke up recently, but I am going to bed again, while I still feel like crap. My stomack feels all tender and there is still some dull sort of pain in the back of my head.

I wish I could get myself back on track. I can't lose control like this anymore. I just can't.

Friday, 25 February 2011

I am horrible

The last 3 days have been a horrible emotional rollercoaster for me. I apparently have gotten some sort of a stomack flu, which makes me feel horrible and act discusting towards eveyone, because I feel like shit. However, it apparently doesn't curb my apetite which kicks in spontaneously interchanged with moments of severe hatred against food.


I have been eating and feeling like shit all the time. And that stomack flu absolutely doesn't make me happy. And I was probably the most disturbing customer in a shop the day before yesterday's morning, while I literally cried buying the junk that I knew I am going to eat and lose all of my progress. But I couldn't do anything about it.

And I am horrible. I am so disappointed with myself that I am falling rapidly back into my depression. I am bitching about everthing and experiencing anger issues when I just want to be destructive and break things. On the other hand I don't have power to even get up. And no motivation at all either since I have fucking stomack cramps. Either my period is coming or what.

Yesterday I spent all day reading "Pride and Prejudice", which I finished too. Watched 3 different movies - "How to lose friends and alienate people", "Rosemary's Baby" and also "Pride and Prejudice" because I wanted to see how accurately they have treated the story. Honestly, I think that I was just looking for a reason to bitch some more. Managed to knit a pair of pink mittens for my cousin's daughter though. I just hope that they fit. I feel like knitting, quite honestly. But I don't know what. I could knit scarves, but I have no idea what I'd do with them afterwards. And furthermore, I feel so giulty about not doing things that I actually DO NEED to do. I am just procrastinating and wasting time. I am such a waste of space.

Fuck this. I am even sorry that I am writing this shit of an entry. It is so useless and depressive.


I really hope that you are all doing way better then me.
Stay strong girls. It can't stay this bad forever. I am just tring to believe that myself.

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Finally we have come to this.

I want to star by saying a big thank you to Elara, for mentioning "Tea House Camp" in her comment on my last post. You were right. I like them a lot. Sadly I managed to find only one song by them, but as much as I heard there is not very much from them altogether. Which is a pity.
I have loved Gothic music sice I was 12. And most of the scene here is revolving around kids of 15-18. I am more or less feeling just old; expected by the surrounding society to be moving on to general taste of pop-rock.

But on to the major point today.


1 picture (of yourself)

I am going to admit. THis is probably the point I still feel the most intimidated by. Since at this point, this blogger receives a face. And I am not just one of the random faceless people that you all meet on internet. That and by doing this I sort of publically admit that this is me. I am not sure how long this post is going to stay here. Mainly due to the privacy issues. Even though I believe that people I know probably don't frequent this blog. Anyhow.

The choice of a picture again is something that bothered me. And finally I chose to make a sequence of photos. Showing how dramatically I changed. The timing for the pictures are years 2000.06 (~58kg) - 2009.09 (~90kg) - 2010.06 (~82kg) - 2010.12 (~77kg) accordingly.

(image removed by yours truly due to privacy issues)

It has been some 7-8 years since I don't look like in that first picture. But I still don't recognize myslef in the mirror...

Tuesday, 22 February 2011



2 Songs:

1) "Heaven Now" by London After Midnight
2) "Bela Lugosi is dead" by Bauhaus

Maybe I should explain a bit. This is probably one of the hardest choices. I love music and would die if I wouldn't hear all of those glorious songs. So why these? Easy. LAM is something that I consider my favorite band. And "Bela Lugosi is Dead" has laid a foundation to all of the music that I love. Plus it is an awesome song.


So... I was wondering, have any of you experienced a really controlled binge phase? Because I just had one. And I am feeling sort of confused, because I don't get anything like this ever.

I mean. I had breakfast and lunch and then I didn't feel it coming and there was the binge in all it's glory. I actually freaked out, before I started eating. So made myself the sandwiches and had some meat. Then sat down by the PC and entered everything in my fatsecret diary. Looked at the calories and had a chocolate bar. Then did some calculating and said "Fuck you. That is enough." And I didn't have anything else.

This is not what normally happens. Normally I would finish all that, eat some more until the point where I just don't have anything and would dart off to a shop to get me something more. But I am not sure what was different today.

Total daily calories: 1743 kcal. From which 93 kcal are from breakfast and 197 from lunch.

Anyway. I am having that planned three day fast beginning tomorrow. So I am assuming that this day shouldn't have done much damage. It feels awkward to have control over binging >____> Not bad, just awkward.

On the other side I still did a lot of exercises today, so yeah. I am feeling too confused at the point to be upset.

Stay stong everuone!

Monday, 21 February 2011

Back on track


3 Films:

1) Labyrinth (with a sexy, sexy David Bowie. Oh, I like him so fucking much there)
2) V for Vendetta
3) P.S. I love you (while I am a sappy romantic :D)


Today has been good. I have been in control of my day and haven't just sat around on my ass all day. And I have been studying and singing all day. Having a break and then I still want to read some matherials that could be useful for my bachelor's.

Activity wise I have done:

1 hour of dance aerobics
40 minutes of light exercises
40 minutes of walking
1 hour of academic singing
1 hour of housework

And food wise I also was good:

Breakfast (200 kcal): 3 dried prunes, 3 dried apricots, 3 dried dates
Lunch (200 kcal): 3 dried prunes, 3 dried apricots, 3 dried dates
Dinner (153 kcal): 2 kiwi fruits, 3 dried dates

Total of 553 kcal.

This morning I was 74.8kg. I was so happy to see that 4 there. But I am somewhat sure that I am going to fluctuate for a moment and probably slip back over. I hope not though. I am thinking to do another 3 day fast from Wednesday to Friday. That should get me under 75 for good. Maybe even reach for that next mini goal weight.
So I'll be stocking up on my Diet Coke again tomorrow. Still have one bottle from the last week, so will just get two more. I hope that they still have the discount on it that was there last week. Anyhow. I am rambling :D

I am really waiting for Him to return though. I love receiving His letters. Thay make my day better :3 And I know that I need to lose as much weight as possible by 5th of March. Yay! I can do it! ;)

If any one of you lovelies would like to join me in that fast, I'll be just thrilled :)

By the way, if someone of you are interested, this one is a very nice book:
I like it a lot.

Sunday, 20 February 2011



4 Books:

1) J.K.Rowling each and every book of "Harry Potter" series, because I am a big child at heart.
2) Anne Rice's "Vampire Chronicles". "Vampire Lestat" was glorious.
3) E.A.Poe's tales and poems. I first read them while I was in a hospital many, many years ago and still can call them my favorites.
4) Oscar Wilde. Practically everything by him too. However, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" is my possibly favorite book of all time.


Today my band repetition was cancelled. Actually, I can't say that I am saddened by that. That probably is a bad thing, since I should actually want to go there and try making our songs better. But I just don't care much about the band. So now I have some more hours in which I can do absolutely nothing valuable xD

All day I am feeling EXTREMELY lazy. Woke up just around 11 in the morning, which is crazy for an early bird like me. I like going to bed early and getting up early. That is my natural regime. So I probably slept just too much to feel comfortably rested. Usually 7-8 hours work the best for me. Still trying to trick myself into doing at least something worthwhile. Otherwise, this is a really useless day. I know I can manage at least something.

Olivia, you asked about how I got through my fast. So I'll try to give some advice ;)
I am not really in a very good relationship with thinspiration pictures. The thin girls just usually get me depressed and depression gets me into eating. So usually I don't look for pictures like that. Basically, I was just reading everyones blogs like crazy :D
And I tryied getting my mind away from food. Since I was attending a seminar that took up the day till some 5 o'clock, I had less time to spend thinking about food. Also did as much physical activities as I could just to burn the stored energy.
Intake wise, I drank a lot of liquids - loads of Diet Coke, water and tea. Those made me feel full enough not to eat. And I was chewing a gum almost all the day through. When I started feeling really weak on day 2 I drank a glass of grape juice. Helped me a lot.
Though biggest help was the thought that I am doing it together with someone. I am not sure how did it end for Kat yet, while she hasn't blogged, since the second day, but I really hope that she could pull it through as well.
Basically that is all. I hope it helps at least a little bit.

Anyhow. Time for today's food list:
Breakfast (85 kcal): 100g of cottage cheese with 20g of natural yoghurt
Lunch (176 kcal): A medium apple, a bowl of cucumber and crab stick salad.
Dinner (64 kcal): 1 tbsp of honey
A total of 325 kcal. And that is all for today, since it is already 7:30 pm and I am trying not to have anything after 6pm.

I'll try to do some studying now. Really have to after all.
Keep thinking thin!

Saturday, 19 February 2011

3 day fast - done :)


5 Foods (that I should just stay away from):

1) Ice Cream
2) Potato chips with sour cream dip
3) Sherbet
4) Chocolate
5) White bread

These are the top 5 that I have regularly binged on. Sometimes I think that these work as heroin for my taste buds. I just can't stop, when I begin.


Relatedly, my 3 day fast ended today at 3pm. It was a total succes and I am happy. Quite honestly, I felt that I could have prolonged it. I had enough energy to go and do things. But I decided not to push myself with that and just have something to eat.

So today food wise:
Lunch (331 kcal): 300g of cauliflower boiled and baked in 1 tbsp of olive oil, 2 tbsps of ketchup to give it a better taste and 30g of cheese.
Dinner (178 kcal): 2 peaces of sushi and 3 small oatmeal cookies, because I wanted to treat myself.

Grand total of 509 kcal today.

As for the exercises, I was feeling really lazy today. And seems that I have strained my calf muscles. Those are really sore. But anyway, I did:
1 hour of academic singing
30 minutes of dance aerobics
30 minutes of housework

Hopefully it is going to be the same weight tomorrow as today in the morning. Because today I weighted in at 75.1kg. Which is a blasting 1.4kg decrease in comparison to yesterday. I really want to start that countdown to my new piercings :D

By the way, just watched "Black Swan". It was pretty awesome. I liked it how they portraied the slipping into madness. That was fantastic to watch. And they all looked so pretty. Damn!

So I am somewhat tired. Time to go and have some well deserved rest.
Good night and keep thinking thin!

Friday, 18 February 2011

For today


6 Places:

1) My home - I love being here. It is my sancturary where I can be 100% me.
2) My ex-working place - horror rock bar "Transilvania".
3) Our vacation house in the countryside. I could sit by the river for hours. And the night sky is gorgeous there.
4) London. It is one of the places that I loved so much. I felt somewhat at home.
5) Seaside. I love lazy days by the sea with a lot of swimming and practically no food, but apples.
6) Supermarkets and malls. I don't know why, but I like a mass of people around me.


I must admit. I am feeling god awful today. I am so tired that I have barely enough energy to walk up and down the stairs. And I had a couple of dizzyness moments in the morning when I stood up too quickly. The scale showed a small decrease today - 76.5 kg. But a decrease is always welcome, no matter how slight it is. I am staying positive and I am 100% sure that I can hold through the fast. I just need to wait until lunch tomorrow, which is going to be around 2pm. And since I am so tired I'll be getting to bed early enough today. Can't wait.
Skipped uni today. Because I am practically freezing every time I go out. I don't know why really, because I never had such an acute cold intolerance. Usually I am much better with cold then with heat, which makes me just really uncomfortable.

So for food today:
Nothing to report really xD Diet coke all through the day. And a chewing gum to get rid of the urge to munch. Was thinking about having Actimel (DanActive) type of probiotic drink. But now it seems that I won't be needing it after all. Glad about that.

And for the exercises:
Around 30 minutes of walking
1 hour of academic singing
30 minutes of jogging
20 minutes of breathing exercises
I am still planning to push myself some more and do my stretching, sit-ups and squats. Maybe pilates; don't know about that jet. Also still have around 30 minutes of housework planned - I want to clean the bathroom. I just want to have as many calories down as possible.

And I am most likely not going to go to the concert on Tuesday. Simple reason honestly - no money. And I don't want to beg my parents for it, so pride wins and I am not going. The money that I had been planning for the concert will go to cover the rent for band repetition room. Fuck that. The band is beginning to give me serious headache.

Ok. I am off to do stuff. Still want to watch a movie together with my mom. I just hope I don't fall asleep.
Bye and sending you all skinnies ;)

Finally Home

It is 1 am and I am finally home. My eyes are practically closing up on their own accord and I still need to take a shower and do the basic before sleep routine.

I want to start off with thanking you all for the great advises on low calorie drinks and the encouraging comments. I really appreciate it. Actually I settled for Captain Morgan Original with Diet coke. I am still shocked about the huge amount of calories in Long Island. I don't think that I'll be ever having that again. Thank god that they had the diet coke in the first place we went to. So we sat there and talked about all sorts of stuff.
One of the girls couldn't make it, because she obviously has managed to catch the flu. Well, it is the flu season, so no wonder. The other girl came with her Czech boyfriend. Obviously it was pretty awkward with the three of us. We talked latvian and he just had to sit around and drink, because he doesn't understand anything. But we played some billiard, which was nice. I actually was not as bad as I remembered myself xD

Anyway, after two of my drinks (together 125 kcal), we went to a club where I usually like to go dancing. But, of course, just my luck that today the DJ came later and so until then we had to hang around the bar. And I was feeling sort of weak, so I ordered some grape juice (97 kcal) to get some glucose in my system and after that some sparkling water with ice. And then we still managed to dance for some 30 minutes.

I just feel like I have drank way too much liquid at this point. I don't think that my stomack likes the onslaught of sparkling drinks. I'll see, if I'll have my Coke tomorrow. Maybe just water and tea.

The way home was long and annoying, because it is freezing outside. The temperature is stated as -16 Celsius, but feeling like -23. So my eyelashes were all frozen up from my breathing. The both of them went to McDonalds for late night snack. I just felt discusted by the idea. Despite the fact that I am really hungry. Anyway, she can afford eating there. She is totally skinny.
By the way, she hadn't seen me for a very long time and last time we met I was a fucking whale with 90 kg. So she went like "Whoa, you have slimmed down!" Which was awesome. More motivation to carry on :3

So I am totally worn out now.
Sending you all skinnies and good night!

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Still fasting

Haven't gone and eaten still and the second day is going well. Must admit that I do feel sort of hungry because there has been a lot of physical movement lately. But I am holding on. I have decided that I can do it, so I am sure that I can. Just have to really believe that and it will be ok. After all - three days is not such a long time.

Today was the last day of the Feldenkrais method seminar. Pitty. I really got used to going there every day. There was a lot of stuff to do and I didn't have to think about eating. Now I'll have to think something up to entertain myself enough and not eat just because I am bored or willing to avoid doing stuff that I have to do.

Thus for now I have been having just Diet Coke, tea and water today. Reluctantly thinking about the alcohol in the evening. Did some calculations and turns out that the calories for Long Island Ice tea was for a small serving. Since they serve it in large glasses that contain WAY more, I looked aroud the net for coctail calories. And guess what I found? Long Island Ice Tea can be up to 780 kcal depending on the preparation. So guess who is totally NOT having it? Rum with Diet Coke sounds as a way better option with 100 kcal for the same serving size. I just hope that they have diet coke. Otherwise I'll be somewhat annoyed.

As for exercises today so far:
30 minutes of dance aerobics
20 minutes of breathing exercises
some 2.5 hours of Feldenkrais method exercises
Around 30 minutes of academic singing
Almost 2 hours of walking
30 minutes of housework
Probably there will be more walking today and hopefully some dancing.
I just want to go and sleep. Omg, I am tired.

Continuing a good challenge:


7 Wants:
1) To graduate this university and enter the Music academy.
2) A couple of new piercings
3) A tattoo
4) My laptop to be faster
5) Money
6) A new iPod (or to get my old one in a good working order again)
7) I would want my cat to be more cuddly xD

Anyway - I am off to do some stuff. Have to study solfage before I leave.
Bye for now and have fun ;)


So tonight I am going to meet my two ex-colleagues and have a girls night out. Basically I am wondering what am I going to drink tonight. Actually, I am thinking about Long Island Ice Tea. The place where I am going to take them has happy hours from 20:00 - 22:00, 2 for 1 coctails, so that would mean I could get 2 Long Islands. The info on about it sais that there are 138 kcal in one serving, which is relatively not that bad. Especially because 2 of those are going to get me tipsy enough, because of the HUGE amount of alcohol.
So probably I'm going to have that. Sucks that I have uni tomorrow morning though. Have to be able to get up early xD

Anyway. Just weighted myself again this mornig. 76.8 kg. So I have passed the first landmark of 77.5 and if by next Thursday I am still under 77.5, then I am finally getting my manicure done. Score!
Though the 75.0 is something that I am looking for much more :3 2 more ear piercings - Here I come! :D

Now to do my morning exercises.
Have a great day!

Almost forgot


8 Fears:

1) To die alone
2) To be fat forever
3) Not to be able to take care of my parents
4) To be average
5) Lose someone dear to me
6) To be betraied
7) To completely lose control
8) I am afraid that warewoves are going to get me. Honestly, it is one of the most irrational fears I have, but one of the strongest ones too.

Just returned from that meeting with my Ex. It was rather fun actually, if only I weren't so tired out. Drank 1 0.5l beer and one 0.3l one. Damn, I love beer. Should have included that in my yesterdays list of 9 loves. Well. Alcohol can be number 10 xD

Now I am off to sleep. Have to get up in 5 hours again. I'll be lucky to survive till the weekend.

Stay strong everyone! :)

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Sore muscles :3

I think that I love sore muscles. I love that feeeling when I sense how they move under my skin.

I am tired out today, but I am not going to get to sleep for several hours more :/ Have to go meet my Ex-fuck buddy, give him the scarf I finished on Monday and have a beer. Honesly, I don't feel like I even want to, but I promised. Even more so, I don't really think that I want to have a beer. I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow, so I would much rather just hit the sack early.

Anyway, less whining and more writing :3

Today was good again. The seminar continues to be lovely. I thnk I have mild crush on the professor though. He is so much older then me, but there is something sexy about him. Just saying. That makes the lessons even more fun :D

Exercise wise I have done:

Some 2.5 hours of Feldenkrais method.
30 minutes of Dance aerobics
20 minutes of breathing exercises
1 hour of academic singing
Around 1.5 hours of walking
Around an hour of housework
30 minutes of stretching

So that has been very good.

Food wise I had:
Breakfast (213 kcal): 1 boiled egg, 100g of cottage cheese, 20g of natural yoghurt, 3 prunes
Lunch: 2 glasses of Diet Coke
Dinner: 2 glasses of Diet Coke
And I am going to have beer. Probably 2 glasses. Not sure jet.
Total with the beer (2 glasses) - 497 kcal.

Anyhow. I am joining Kat in her 3 day fast. So there will be a lot of Diet Coke until Saturday lunch. I am just worried about tomorrow a bit, since I'll be with my mom from some 11-17, so I'll have to figure out some reason why I am not eating. Probably the good old, I am not hungry, I overate at breakfast. Thank god, that she agrees that I need to contol my weight. Anyhow.

Tomorrow I am meeting my two ex-colleagues from the cruise ship. I loved our time there. I would probably be still on the ship, unless I wouldn't have started singing. I loved it there. At least I know that I will have a job, if my opera singer plans fail big time.

I am actually feeling really good. Just really lazy :D I don't want to go to that bar. It is fucking cold outside!

Anyway. Time to get dressed.
Stay strong and I am sending my best wishes to you all.