Monday, 28 February 2011

Ok. It will be ok.

Here I go again with my emotional rollercoster thing. After that miserable post yesterday, I have some sort of high today. This happens to me all the time.

Firstly I have to start by thanking you wonderful girls for the support. I really needed that. I am so glad to have you all.
Thank whatever deity there is, my migrene has passed. The thing is, I have been having periodic migrenes since I was 3, so I am having my 20 year migrene anniversary xD Sort of.
My parents don't know how often I have these horrible ones, when I feel like Iwould need to smash my head against walls or something. Because I normally have had them only later in the evening when I can lie and just crawl down to my apartment and take them on by myself.
And of course I don't want to go to a doctor, since there have been three cases when I was hospitalized with stomack failure due to drug overdose. I wanted to die so badly that I just overdosed pain-killers.
A therapist that I used to go to said that I need serious help and drugs and that she won't work with me, because she doesn't want to have such a responsibility. But,of course, this is me and I don't want any help. I might be in a fucked up emotional place, but I deal with it myself. That is how I have always done it.

Anyhow. That was just a short insight into my mind.

But today I am in a better place then what I used to be all last week. I am downloading some cartoons for me to elevate my mood. The future seems promissing for now.
It even seems that promissing that I really considered trying to take on ABC xD Which would be an epic fail soon enough, since I will have to go to a sushi bar with my cousins some time this week and He is returning from UK on Saturday morning :3 This point makes me very happy. I just hope that I can be good till then and look as good as possible when He arrives.

Today I have had:

Breakfast (73 kcal): Right Balance probiotic drink.
Lunch (385 kcal): Several salami slices, a kiwi fruit, and a pumpkin seed cookie.
Dinner (34 kcal): Tomato, cucumber and radish salad with vinegar.

Total of 492 kcal.
Stupid salami is so heavy and calorie rich. Damn. And I estimate the cookie at around 100 kcal. Overall, not bad. Just could have been better and more healthy.

Exercise wise, I have really lazied up. Can't get my butt off the couch. Should at least do something. I'll try.

I hope that you are all doing well, darlings.
Sending you skinnies and all of my love!
I have a morbid feeling that my body is failing me.

This last week has been horrible health wise and subsequently emotionally dreadful. In my last post I already mentioned having a stomack flu. And I actually thought that by fryday evening I was over and done with it. The thing is, I am not sure if that was really some sort of flu. Because knowing how all over the place I am with my food, it might be that I just fucked myself up again.
Yesterady I woke up with a mildly sore throat and today too. Which wouldn't bother me much, unless I would have to sing. It is my profession, I can't afford to be unhealthy.
But the top of everything was today. Around 1pm I got a headache, which turned out into a full blown migrene with nausea and throwing up. It went to the point where my parents insisted on calling an ambulance, because I could practically not breathe from pain anymore. I didn't want the doctors obviously. It just makes me see how weak and pathetic I am. WTF? Can't I survive a headache? That is why I never want to be around people when I feel bad. They worry and I want them to just leave me alone.
Anyway, the doctors pumped me full with medicines and put me to sleep. I woke up recently, but I am going to bed again, while I still feel like crap. My stomack feels all tender and there is still some dull sort of pain in the back of my head.

I wish I could get myself back on track. I can't lose control like this anymore. I just can't.

Friday, 25 February 2011

I am horrible

The last 3 days have been a horrible emotional rollercoaster for me. I apparently have gotten some sort of a stomack flu, which makes me feel horrible and act discusting towards eveyone, because I feel like shit. However, it apparently doesn't curb my apetite which kicks in spontaneously interchanged with moments of severe hatred against food.


I have been eating and feeling like shit all the time. And that stomack flu absolutely doesn't make me happy. And I was probably the most disturbing customer in a shop the day before yesterday's morning, while I literally cried buying the junk that I knew I am going to eat and lose all of my progress. But I couldn't do anything about it.

And I am horrible. I am so disappointed with myself that I am falling rapidly back into my depression. I am bitching about everthing and experiencing anger issues when I just want to be destructive and break things. On the other hand I don't have power to even get up. And no motivation at all either since I have fucking stomack cramps. Either my period is coming or what.

Yesterday I spent all day reading "Pride and Prejudice", which I finished too. Watched 3 different movies - "How to lose friends and alienate people", "Rosemary's Baby" and also "Pride and Prejudice" because I wanted to see how accurately they have treated the story. Honestly, I think that I was just looking for a reason to bitch some more. Managed to knit a pair of pink mittens for my cousin's daughter though. I just hope that they fit. I feel like knitting, quite honestly. But I don't know what. I could knit scarves, but I have no idea what I'd do with them afterwards. And furthermore, I feel so giulty about not doing things that I actually DO NEED to do. I am just procrastinating and wasting time. I am such a waste of space.

Fuck this. I am even sorry that I am writing this shit of an entry. It is so useless and depressive.


I really hope that you are all doing way better then me.
Stay strong girls. It can't stay this bad forever. I am just tring to believe that myself.

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

Finally we have come to this.

I want to star by saying a big thank you to Elara, for mentioning "Tea House Camp" in her comment on my last post. You were right. I like them a lot. Sadly I managed to find only one song by them, but as much as I heard there is not very much from them altogether. Which is a pity.
I have loved Gothic music sice I was 12. And most of the scene here is revolving around kids of 15-18. I am more or less feeling just old; expected by the surrounding society to be moving on to general taste of pop-rock.

But on to the major point today.


1 picture (of yourself)

I am going to admit. THis is probably the point I still feel the most intimidated by. Since at this point, this blogger receives a face. And I am not just one of the random faceless people that you all meet on internet. That and by doing this I sort of publically admit that this is me. I am not sure how long this post is going to stay here. Mainly due to the privacy issues. Even though I believe that people I know probably don't frequent this blog. Anyhow.

The choice of a picture again is something that bothered me. And finally I chose to make a sequence of photos. Showing how dramatically I changed. The timing for the pictures are years 2000.06 (~58kg) - 2009.09 (~90kg) - 2010.06 (~82kg) - 2010.12 (~77kg) accordingly.

(image removed by yours truly due to privacy issues)

It has been some 7-8 years since I don't look like in that first picture. But I still don't recognize myslef in the mirror...

Tuesday, 22 February 2011



2 Songs:

1) "Heaven Now" by London After Midnight
2) "Bela Lugosi is dead" by Bauhaus

Maybe I should explain a bit. This is probably one of the hardest choices. I love music and would die if I wouldn't hear all of those glorious songs. So why these? Easy. LAM is something that I consider my favorite band. And "Bela Lugosi is Dead" has laid a foundation to all of the music that I love. Plus it is an awesome song.


So... I was wondering, have any of you experienced a really controlled binge phase? Because I just had one. And I am feeling sort of confused, because I don't get anything like this ever.

I mean. I had breakfast and lunch and then I didn't feel it coming and there was the binge in all it's glory. I actually freaked out, before I started eating. So made myself the sandwiches and had some meat. Then sat down by the PC and entered everything in my fatsecret diary. Looked at the calories and had a chocolate bar. Then did some calculating and said "Fuck you. That is enough." And I didn't have anything else.

This is not what normally happens. Normally I would finish all that, eat some more until the point where I just don't have anything and would dart off to a shop to get me something more. But I am not sure what was different today.

Total daily calories: 1743 kcal. From which 93 kcal are from breakfast and 197 from lunch.

Anyway. I am having that planned three day fast beginning tomorrow. So I am assuming that this day shouldn't have done much damage. It feels awkward to have control over binging >____> Not bad, just awkward.

On the other side I still did a lot of exercises today, so yeah. I am feeling too confused at the point to be upset.

Stay stong everuone!

Monday, 21 February 2011

Back on track


3 Films:

1) Labyrinth (with a sexy, sexy David Bowie. Oh, I like him so fucking much there)
2) V for Vendetta
3) P.S. I love you (while I am a sappy romantic :D)


Today has been good. I have been in control of my day and haven't just sat around on my ass all day. And I have been studying and singing all day. Having a break and then I still want to read some matherials that could be useful for my bachelor's.

Activity wise I have done:

1 hour of dance aerobics
40 minutes of light exercises
40 minutes of walking
1 hour of academic singing
1 hour of housework

And food wise I also was good:

Breakfast (200 kcal): 3 dried prunes, 3 dried apricots, 3 dried dates
Lunch (200 kcal): 3 dried prunes, 3 dried apricots, 3 dried dates
Dinner (153 kcal): 2 kiwi fruits, 3 dried dates

Total of 553 kcal.

This morning I was 74.8kg. I was so happy to see that 4 there. But I am somewhat sure that I am going to fluctuate for a moment and probably slip back over. I hope not though. I am thinking to do another 3 day fast from Wednesday to Friday. That should get me under 75 for good. Maybe even reach for that next mini goal weight.
So I'll be stocking up on my Diet Coke again tomorrow. Still have one bottle from the last week, so will just get two more. I hope that they still have the discount on it that was there last week. Anyhow. I am rambling :D

I am really waiting for Him to return though. I love receiving His letters. Thay make my day better :3 And I know that I need to lose as much weight as possible by 5th of March. Yay! I can do it! ;)

If any one of you lovelies would like to join me in that fast, I'll be just thrilled :)

By the way, if someone of you are interested, this one is a very nice book:
I like it a lot.

Sunday, 20 February 2011



4 Books:

1) J.K.Rowling each and every book of "Harry Potter" series, because I am a big child at heart.
2) Anne Rice's "Vampire Chronicles". "Vampire Lestat" was glorious.
3) E.A.Poe's tales and poems. I first read them while I was in a hospital many, many years ago and still can call them my favorites.
4) Oscar Wilde. Practically everything by him too. However, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" is my possibly favorite book of all time.


Today my band repetition was cancelled. Actually, I can't say that I am saddened by that. That probably is a bad thing, since I should actually want to go there and try making our songs better. But I just don't care much about the band. So now I have some more hours in which I can do absolutely nothing valuable xD

All day I am feeling EXTREMELY lazy. Woke up just around 11 in the morning, which is crazy for an early bird like me. I like going to bed early and getting up early. That is my natural regime. So I probably slept just too much to feel comfortably rested. Usually 7-8 hours work the best for me. Still trying to trick myself into doing at least something worthwhile. Otherwise, this is a really useless day. I know I can manage at least something.

Olivia, you asked about how I got through my fast. So I'll try to give some advice ;)
I am not really in a very good relationship with thinspiration pictures. The thin girls just usually get me depressed and depression gets me into eating. So usually I don't look for pictures like that. Basically, I was just reading everyones blogs like crazy :D
And I tryied getting my mind away from food. Since I was attending a seminar that took up the day till some 5 o'clock, I had less time to spend thinking about food. Also did as much physical activities as I could just to burn the stored energy.
Intake wise, I drank a lot of liquids - loads of Diet Coke, water and tea. Those made me feel full enough not to eat. And I was chewing a gum almost all the day through. When I started feeling really weak on day 2 I drank a glass of grape juice. Helped me a lot.
Though biggest help was the thought that I am doing it together with someone. I am not sure how did it end for Kat yet, while she hasn't blogged, since the second day, but I really hope that she could pull it through as well.
Basically that is all. I hope it helps at least a little bit.

Anyhow. Time for today's food list:
Breakfast (85 kcal): 100g of cottage cheese with 20g of natural yoghurt
Lunch (176 kcal): A medium apple, a bowl of cucumber and crab stick salad.
Dinner (64 kcal): 1 tbsp of honey
A total of 325 kcal. And that is all for today, since it is already 7:30 pm and I am trying not to have anything after 6pm.

I'll try to do some studying now. Really have to after all.
Keep thinking thin!

Saturday, 19 February 2011

3 day fast - done :)


5 Foods (that I should just stay away from):

1) Ice Cream
2) Potato chips with sour cream dip
3) Sherbet
4) Chocolate
5) White bread

These are the top 5 that I have regularly binged on. Sometimes I think that these work as heroin for my taste buds. I just can't stop, when I begin.


Relatedly, my 3 day fast ended today at 3pm. It was a total succes and I am happy. Quite honestly, I felt that I could have prolonged it. I had enough energy to go and do things. But I decided not to push myself with that and just have something to eat.

So today food wise:
Lunch (331 kcal): 300g of cauliflower boiled and baked in 1 tbsp of olive oil, 2 tbsps of ketchup to give it a better taste and 30g of cheese.
Dinner (178 kcal): 2 peaces of sushi and 3 small oatmeal cookies, because I wanted to treat myself.

Grand total of 509 kcal today.

As for the exercises, I was feeling really lazy today. And seems that I have strained my calf muscles. Those are really sore. But anyway, I did:
1 hour of academic singing
30 minutes of dance aerobics
30 minutes of housework

Hopefully it is going to be the same weight tomorrow as today in the morning. Because today I weighted in at 75.1kg. Which is a blasting 1.4kg decrease in comparison to yesterday. I really want to start that countdown to my new piercings :D

By the way, just watched "Black Swan". It was pretty awesome. I liked it how they portraied the slipping into madness. That was fantastic to watch. And they all looked so pretty. Damn!

So I am somewhat tired. Time to go and have some well deserved rest.
Good night and keep thinking thin!

Friday, 18 February 2011

For today


6 Places:

1) My home - I love being here. It is my sancturary where I can be 100% me.
2) My ex-working place - horror rock bar "Transilvania".
3) Our vacation house in the countryside. I could sit by the river for hours. And the night sky is gorgeous there.
4) London. It is one of the places that I loved so much. I felt somewhat at home.
5) Seaside. I love lazy days by the sea with a lot of swimming and practically no food, but apples.
6) Supermarkets and malls. I don't know why, but I like a mass of people around me.


I must admit. I am feeling god awful today. I am so tired that I have barely enough energy to walk up and down the stairs. And I had a couple of dizzyness moments in the morning when I stood up too quickly. The scale showed a small decrease today - 76.5 kg. But a decrease is always welcome, no matter how slight it is. I am staying positive and I am 100% sure that I can hold through the fast. I just need to wait until lunch tomorrow, which is going to be around 2pm. And since I am so tired I'll be getting to bed early enough today. Can't wait.
Skipped uni today. Because I am practically freezing every time I go out. I don't know why really, because I never had such an acute cold intolerance. Usually I am much better with cold then with heat, which makes me just really uncomfortable.

So for food today:
Nothing to report really xD Diet coke all through the day. And a chewing gum to get rid of the urge to munch. Was thinking about having Actimel (DanActive) type of probiotic drink. But now it seems that I won't be needing it after all. Glad about that.

And for the exercises:
Around 30 minutes of walking
1 hour of academic singing
30 minutes of jogging
20 minutes of breathing exercises
I am still planning to push myself some more and do my stretching, sit-ups and squats. Maybe pilates; don't know about that jet. Also still have around 30 minutes of housework planned - I want to clean the bathroom. I just want to have as many calories down as possible.

And I am most likely not going to go to the concert on Tuesday. Simple reason honestly - no money. And I don't want to beg my parents for it, so pride wins and I am not going. The money that I had been planning for the concert will go to cover the rent for band repetition room. Fuck that. The band is beginning to give me serious headache.

Ok. I am off to do stuff. Still want to watch a movie together with my mom. I just hope I don't fall asleep.
Bye and sending you all skinnies ;)

Finally Home

It is 1 am and I am finally home. My eyes are practically closing up on their own accord and I still need to take a shower and do the basic before sleep routine.

I want to start off with thanking you all for the great advises on low calorie drinks and the encouraging comments. I really appreciate it. Actually I settled for Captain Morgan Original with Diet coke. I am still shocked about the huge amount of calories in Long Island. I don't think that I'll be ever having that again. Thank god that they had the diet coke in the first place we went to. So we sat there and talked about all sorts of stuff.
One of the girls couldn't make it, because she obviously has managed to catch the flu. Well, it is the flu season, so no wonder. The other girl came with her Czech boyfriend. Obviously it was pretty awkward with the three of us. We talked latvian and he just had to sit around and drink, because he doesn't understand anything. But we played some billiard, which was nice. I actually was not as bad as I remembered myself xD

Anyway, after two of my drinks (together 125 kcal), we went to a club where I usually like to go dancing. But, of course, just my luck that today the DJ came later and so until then we had to hang around the bar. And I was feeling sort of weak, so I ordered some grape juice (97 kcal) to get some glucose in my system and after that some sparkling water with ice. And then we still managed to dance for some 30 minutes.

I just feel like I have drank way too much liquid at this point. I don't think that my stomack likes the onslaught of sparkling drinks. I'll see, if I'll have my Coke tomorrow. Maybe just water and tea.

The way home was long and annoying, because it is freezing outside. The temperature is stated as -16 Celsius, but feeling like -23. So my eyelashes were all frozen up from my breathing. The both of them went to McDonalds for late night snack. I just felt discusted by the idea. Despite the fact that I am really hungry. Anyway, she can afford eating there. She is totally skinny.
By the way, she hadn't seen me for a very long time and last time we met I was a fucking whale with 90 kg. So she went like "Whoa, you have slimmed down!" Which was awesome. More motivation to carry on :3

So I am totally worn out now.
Sending you all skinnies and good night!

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Still fasting

Haven't gone and eaten still and the second day is going well. Must admit that I do feel sort of hungry because there has been a lot of physical movement lately. But I am holding on. I have decided that I can do it, so I am sure that I can. Just have to really believe that and it will be ok. After all - three days is not such a long time.

Today was the last day of the Feldenkrais method seminar. Pitty. I really got used to going there every day. There was a lot of stuff to do and I didn't have to think about eating. Now I'll have to think something up to entertain myself enough and not eat just because I am bored or willing to avoid doing stuff that I have to do.

Thus for now I have been having just Diet Coke, tea and water today. Reluctantly thinking about the alcohol in the evening. Did some calculations and turns out that the calories for Long Island Ice tea was for a small serving. Since they serve it in large glasses that contain WAY more, I looked aroud the net for coctail calories. And guess what I found? Long Island Ice Tea can be up to 780 kcal depending on the preparation. So guess who is totally NOT having it? Rum with Diet Coke sounds as a way better option with 100 kcal for the same serving size. I just hope that they have diet coke. Otherwise I'll be somewhat annoyed.

As for exercises today so far:
30 minutes of dance aerobics
20 minutes of breathing exercises
some 2.5 hours of Feldenkrais method exercises
Around 30 minutes of academic singing
Almost 2 hours of walking
30 minutes of housework
Probably there will be more walking today and hopefully some dancing.
I just want to go and sleep. Omg, I am tired.

Continuing a good challenge:


7 Wants:
1) To graduate this university and enter the Music academy.
2) A couple of new piercings
3) A tattoo
4) My laptop to be faster
5) Money
6) A new iPod (or to get my old one in a good working order again)
7) I would want my cat to be more cuddly xD

Anyway - I am off to do some stuff. Have to study solfage before I leave.
Bye for now and have fun ;)


So tonight I am going to meet my two ex-colleagues and have a girls night out. Basically I am wondering what am I going to drink tonight. Actually, I am thinking about Long Island Ice Tea. The place where I am going to take them has happy hours from 20:00 - 22:00, 2 for 1 coctails, so that would mean I could get 2 Long Islands. The info on about it sais that there are 138 kcal in one serving, which is relatively not that bad. Especially because 2 of those are going to get me tipsy enough, because of the HUGE amount of alcohol.
So probably I'm going to have that. Sucks that I have uni tomorrow morning though. Have to be able to get up early xD

Anyway. Just weighted myself again this mornig. 76.8 kg. So I have passed the first landmark of 77.5 and if by next Thursday I am still under 77.5, then I am finally getting my manicure done. Score!
Though the 75.0 is something that I am looking for much more :3 2 more ear piercings - Here I come! :D

Now to do my morning exercises.
Have a great day!

Almost forgot


8 Fears:

1) To die alone
2) To be fat forever
3) Not to be able to take care of my parents
4) To be average
5) Lose someone dear to me
6) To be betraied
7) To completely lose control
8) I am afraid that warewoves are going to get me. Honestly, it is one of the most irrational fears I have, but one of the strongest ones too.

Just returned from that meeting with my Ex. It was rather fun actually, if only I weren't so tired out. Drank 1 0.5l beer and one 0.3l one. Damn, I love beer. Should have included that in my yesterdays list of 9 loves. Well. Alcohol can be number 10 xD

Now I am off to sleep. Have to get up in 5 hours again. I'll be lucky to survive till the weekend.

Stay strong everyone! :)

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Sore muscles :3

I think that I love sore muscles. I love that feeeling when I sense how they move under my skin.

I am tired out today, but I am not going to get to sleep for several hours more :/ Have to go meet my Ex-fuck buddy, give him the scarf I finished on Monday and have a beer. Honesly, I don't feel like I even want to, but I promised. Even more so, I don't really think that I want to have a beer. I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow, so I would much rather just hit the sack early.

Anyway, less whining and more writing :3

Today was good again. The seminar continues to be lovely. I thnk I have mild crush on the professor though. He is so much older then me, but there is something sexy about him. Just saying. That makes the lessons even more fun :D

Exercise wise I have done:

Some 2.5 hours of Feldenkrais method.
30 minutes of Dance aerobics
20 minutes of breathing exercises
1 hour of academic singing
Around 1.5 hours of walking
Around an hour of housework
30 minutes of stretching

So that has been very good.

Food wise I had:
Breakfast (213 kcal): 1 boiled egg, 100g of cottage cheese, 20g of natural yoghurt, 3 prunes
Lunch: 2 glasses of Diet Coke
Dinner: 2 glasses of Diet Coke
And I am going to have beer. Probably 2 glasses. Not sure jet.
Total with the beer (2 glasses) - 497 kcal.

Anyhow. I am joining Kat in her 3 day fast. So there will be a lot of Diet Coke until Saturday lunch. I am just worried about tomorrow a bit, since I'll be with my mom from some 11-17, so I'll have to figure out some reason why I am not eating. Probably the good old, I am not hungry, I overate at breakfast. Thank god, that she agrees that I need to contol my weight. Anyhow.

Tomorrow I am meeting my two ex-colleagues from the cruise ship. I loved our time there. I would probably be still on the ship, unless I wouldn't have started singing. I loved it there. At least I know that I will have a job, if my opera singer plans fail big time.

I am actually feeling really good. Just really lazy :D I don't want to go to that bar. It is fucking cold outside!

Anyway. Time to get dressed.
Stay strong and I am sending my best wishes to you all.

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

And it is time for...


9 Loves:
1) Music
2) Tea
3) Movies
4) My parents
5) He :3 *aww I am mushy today*
6) My cat and cats in general
7) Having my life under control
8) Tattoos and piercings
9) My computer xD

Now with that over and done with, time to inform about what I did today.
It has actually been quite fun. At first I couldn't wake up at 6 am *obviously*. But at 10 I went to the seminar and it was awesome. Feldenkrais method is based on movement coordination and feeling your skeleton move. It is a lot different then the usual focus on muscles and it feels awkward to think about how your bones move when you are doing things. Anyway, the teacher is super nice and fun to talk to, so I am excited to go tomorrow too.

Afterwards I had an hour and a half free, so I thought that I'll go and buy me a pair of jeans. That was a total downside for my day. I couldn't find a pair that would fit me and look good on me in the whole mall. I hate buying pants. Especially since I get so frustrated that usually I end up eating to forget everything. But not today though. I bought myself an apple to rid my thoughts of stuffing my face with everything in the world. So that was positive.

The university was totally boring. I wish I wouldn't have this damn lesson at all. I don't give a shit about history of near East studies. Why should I even care? Never have, most likely never will. Ok. That is totally unrelated again

The singing lesson was nice though I think I did decently well. Tomorrow I have solfege lesson so I'll try coming up with a way to stuff a singing lesson in as well. Especially since I still need to go to a pub in the evening.

Anyway. Exercise wise today I did:
1:30 of Feldenkrais exercises. Whicha are really small scale, so I don't think that there were many calories burned.
30 minutes of stretching exercies.
Around an hour of walking around and climbing stairs.
An hour of academic singing.
Probably will do some sit ups and squats a bit later. That should be adequate.

Food wise today I had:
Breakfast (161 kcal): Two hard boiled eggs, a medium sized carrot
Lunch (72 kcal): A large-ish apple
Dinner (230 kcal): Some 600 grams of melon.

So total for today is 463 kcal. Looking at the nutritional values, I think I am really missing proteins. Will work on that tomorrow. I went grosery shopping today and bought myself a lot of good healthy products. So I am satisfied and happy :)

Now I am just going to chew my chewing gum till I go to sleep. I'll try not staying up late today. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day after all.

Bye for now and I hope that all is well for you all!
By the way - 20 followers!! Oh my lord! Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading all on my senseless gibberish :D

I am doing it again

Overlooking my daily regime thing. Staying up so late that tomorrow I'll have a serious problem with waking up. Basically been watching "Addams Family" season 2 and knitting that scarf. Finally finished it though. I am sort of proud of myself. Now we arranged a nice beer drinking evening on Wednesday when I can get it to him.
By the way, the weather here is crazy! The internet termometer shows that it is -17 degrees Celsius. Though it will be more like -20 later on in the night. Last night the lowest temperature that was observed was -27.1 degrees. I don't even want to get out of the appartment, because it feels like I am freezing all the time.
So tired of winter already.

Today was the first day of my 30 day challenge. It was reasonably good until my dear parents practically pushed a chocolate cake in my hands. So that made me go way over the 1000 kcal max I had decided on.
I am trying to keep my food diary at, which is nice since it shows the calories for the food automatically.
So today I skipped breakfast since I woke up very late.
For lunch we had various sushi (354 kcal)
For dinner I had chicken fillet with cheese and cumin, and a glass of tomato juice (509 kcal)
And then came the cake, which I am estimating at 150 g (550 kcal) and three large strawberries (17 kcal)

Totalling up to 1430 kcal today. And it was such a nice number before the cake. But I am not letting this minor mishap discourage me. Just try being extra careful with calories tomorrow and it should be ok. I'll just try holding on to the 500 kcal limit.

And couldn't find it in me to do sports today. Mainly because I woke up so late. But tomorrow I am definitely doing exercises when I wake up and then at 10am I have to be at a master class for Feldenkrais Method, which is really good for musicians :) I am very hiped up about that.

Anyway. Not diet related, but I found one more challenge that I want to do:

So 10 secrets:
1)I used to say that I was a vegetarian even though I binge on meat often enough.
2)I don't feel much pity for people. I like watching sadistic movies and videos.
3)Me and my best friend used to try and summon Vampire spirits when we were younger.
4)I still wish I could become a Vampire.
5)My cat is named after a Vampire Adrian Tepes better known as Alucard.
6)I am hypersexual. Which is sort of an embarassing thing. I think about sex A LOT.
7)My first sex was a rape. This is probably the biggest secret of my life.
8)I like to make people believe in things that are not true. I lie a lot about all sorts of things. I am possibly a chronical liar.
9)A lot of people think that I study a lot even though I often enough don't even touch the books.
10)I probably would want to have children even though I believe I'd be a horrible, despotic parent.

Anyway. Good night for now :)

Monday, 14 February 2011

Felt like writing

Already a long time ago I had decided to hate Valentines. With all that useless shit of presents and people suddenly screaming to the world that they love someone, even though for the rest of the year they treat each other like shit and try making each other miserable.

Now you would expect some big "BUT..." and something that has made me change.
Honestly, nothing has changed in my perspective today either ;D

BUT (so here it is) He sent me a letter that made me cry like a little Twilight loving pre-teen girl. I don't know how exactly He managed that with a simple letter, but He sure did. And I know that my Valentines weekend is coming in 19 days, when He is going to arrive and my world will be all right again.

There. That is enough sap from me for today :)

Sunday, 13 February 2011

30 day challenge

Basically I am joining in with Moonlight Mistress's 30 day challenge.

Daily calorie limit of your choosing; Exercise at least 1 hour, 5 days per week; Weigh every Sunday; Take measurements at the beginning of every month (starting with 3/2011); Post daily intake + calories & exercise to blog daily; Share total weight lost when challenge concludes.

It sounded so good to get some sort of motivation going in my life. Otherwise I am geting too lazy. And getting back to my daily regime is a nice enough idea while I am at it. Had to switch it around though, since I have two days when I have to attend university lessons. Which actually sucks, since uni is the last thing that I want to think about. Oh well. There is no way around it. Just push myself through this semester and write that bachelor's thesis.

But returning to the challenge - I think that calorie intake in between 500-1000 limit would be good. Being a binge eater not eating generally leads to binging in the long run and then I get everything back. And that is not what I am looking for.

So good luck to all of the people willing to join. And best of luck to us all :)

I don't know how I feel

It is a really stange feeling. I am just sitting here and thinking what to do or not do and I know what I should, but just don't have power to do it. It is sort of creepy. Like someone drained all of the life from my body.

I didn't go to the valentines party yesterday. Felt too tired. And I have sprained my neck and can't turn my head without searing pain. It is not as bad as yesterday. I actually thought that I will die then and there. But here I am physically alive, mentally... obviously in the same state as a vegetable.
Thank god, I don't have a repetition today. I don't feel up to communicating. Actually - I do feel up to that bottle of champagne in the fridge. But I'll have to wait for that, since it is just 4 pm and it would creep my parents out, if I would show up in their place drunk. And I know that I won't be able not to show up, since it is still early and they will start freaking out about me.

Honestly, I would want to switch my brain off. The thoughts are like a continuous buzz in the background. It is so annoying.

Anyway. I'll try to watch some movies and knit that scarf. I don't think that I can manage anything else.

Friday, 11 February 2011

In between

A quick reply to Moonlight Mistress: A name day is sort of like a birthday. Every day of the year there are certain names that are celebrated. Like 24th of June has John, 24th of Decebmer - Adam and Eve, etc. So basically it is one more day to get presents and get very drunk WITH a reason (or stay sober, if you so choose) xD Anyway, it is a tradition here in Latvia, as well as other Baltic states and some other countries. Actually wikipedia even has an entry for namedays here: :3

Anyhow. I washed my hair and am drinking my second beer of tonight. Going to be off to PARTY hardcore soon enough.

By the way - just watched Chainsaw Maid on youtube. That is one sick claymotion movie. Loved it :D

Happy Name day to me

I have to start my post with an apology. It has been ages since I last posted. And I feel sort of guilty for that. If honestly, I don't have an excuse. Just didn't feel like doing anything. Just watching all sorts of sick movies I can lay my hands on. Like "The Serbian Movie" that I saw yesterday. That one was pretty good. So many places that made me lol.

So... the 11th of February has arrived and my Name day is already here. Somehow I am absolutely not excited, since I have been having my periods all this week and I am still hormonal and moody and sort of cruel to everyone. Thank god they are finally over. Now to get back to my old self who can actually control something.

Anyhow, I am disappointed with myself, since this date was a certain guideline for me, however, my weight is still very far from were it should be and I am just as uncontrolled and disorganized as ever.

Anyway. It is way too late and I should be sleeping a long, long time ago, but I was watching "Beetlejuice" season 2 and knitting a scarf for my ex-fuck-buddy, so that is way more important then sleep xD I am at least hoping to finish that scarf some time soon enough. Probably not this weekend though, since I am going to be very drunk the next two nights and slightly drunk on Sunday. So yeah. Big plans to go out to my ex-working place. Tomorrow night they are having the Bloody valentines Vampire party. What's better then a morbid atmostphere and a lot of booze to at least somewhat improve my most hated holiday of the year. My cousin obviously managed to catch some sort of virus and went home yesterday. So the big plans for a double name day went down the drain. Though I have never been the one to make big plans with people involved. They are sort of a backdrop for my plans usually. And the people in "Transilvania" are a much better backdrop. At least they are pretty and amusing enough to hang around with.

On the down side - I have a feeling that I have overworked my vocal chords. Feels like someone would be trying to suffocate me and it fucking hurts when I swallow. I hope it will be better tomorrow though. Still have to sing in the afternoon.

Re-reading the post, it seems as if I would already be drunk or something. Funny. Whatever. I am off to sleep a couple of hours. I'll be needing that later.

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Daily regime thing.

It is so strange that since I have my schedule, I can manage much more in the day. However, I am getting pretty tired out, because there is basically no moment when I would just hang around and do nothing or watch movies or something. And since I am going to the master classes again today, I had to get up super early again to manage forcing in some things more. So I have been sleeping for 3 hours tonight. So tired. I am waiting for tonight, when I can get to bed and just sleep for 8 hours. God... Now I managed to tempt myself with sleeping.

Food wise it is all strange and awkward. Still the results of the previous week are obvious. Haven't gotten rid of the weight I gained with the constant bining. So I don't really know how my food intake is impacting me at the moment. But I am exercising like a maniac, so I am guessing that my muscle mass has gone up a bit. Hopefull the drop in weight will follow soon enough.

Ok. Off to study a bit.
Have fun today and

Tuesday, 1 February 2011


Today is turning out to be busy, busy, busy. A teacher/singer Axel Everaert from Maasticht is giving master classes in the music academy all of this week. Sadly I couldn't get there yesterday, and most likely won't be able to go tomorrow. But today I surea as hell am going. Actually I am leaving in 10 minutes, so this is going to be a very short entry :P

Yesterday I went to donate blood. One guy that was donating before me lamost fainted there. It was a bit funny how a big, muscular man can look so disconnected with the reality from a little blood loss.
The doctor there said that my hemoglobin level is a bit lover then usually. Meh. Still in the boundaries of normal, so I don't care much.

Had just 5 hours of sleep tonight and I am very sleepy. Woke up 4:30, because I had to study Japanese, since I won't be able to do that later today.

My mom is already calling me. So bye, bye for now.