Monday, 31 January 2011


So yesterday went relatively well. After band repetition I did eat a sandwitch and a bit of cheese though. I don't even know why. Just saw it and ate for the hell of it. I think I'll have to limit my visits to the kitchen or something. Because eating "for the hell of it" is no good in my book.

Did my exercising today too. I did my breathing exercises and then two sets of pilates from a DVD I bough ages ago. I must say that I like that dance workout much more then pilates though. Anyway, so my exercise today consisted of 20 minutes of breathing exercises, 1 hour or pilates, 1min 50s of holding Plank, 30 leg lifts each, sretching and splits, 79 squats, 87 sit-ups, 57 push-ups and 50 reverse crunches. Totalling to two hours. Today I was totally out of my comfort zone with the sit-ups. My abs are really sore. Which is good. Means it is working. Anyway, there are two more days to adjust before I increase the amounts again.

Just finished my tea and breakfast carrot. A lot to do today. That should take my thoughts away from munching.

I am going to go and donate blood again today. It has been some time already. Time to do something good to people.

Sunday, 30 January 2011

Oh shit :D

You know, when I see something labelled as "Ultimate [insert something here]" I get really suspicious. But this time, it might actually be true. Whole of my body hurts so much after this morning's two hour work out, which included 1 hour and 15 minutes of "Ministry Of Sound Pump It Up - The Ultimate Dance Workout". I could barely breathe in the end of aerobic part. So that is awesome. I was sweating so much. Awesome. I am thinking about doing this one three times a week and swithc it with my yoga breathing exercises the other four days. So I don't get fed up with it really fast. Also the Plank Challenge, 200 sit ups, 200 squats and 100 push ups programs are awesome. My stomack muscles are still burning after 1 and a half hours of rest.

Yesterday I worked out the approximate weekly schedule. I will switch it around a bit though, when I get to know the times of university lessons that I am planning to attend. Found a course in History of Music. Since I have to know that anyway, better join it now.

Anyhow. Felling pretty good about today. Hope that you all are too :)
Have fun!

Saturday, 29 January 2011

I just had my lunch. And hence I am feeling like I could carry on eating till I burst. Though feeling sort of queezy at the same time. Stupid body with the stupid food and everything.

Now I feel like whining to myself again. Fuck you Andromeda, you worthless bitch. I am not speaking to you till you let me drop that damn weight at least to the first weight goal. Fucking bastard.

Fuck. Whatever.

Friday, 28 January 2011

I am a mess

Honestly, after the awesome last week, I have been doing simply horribly. How the hell can I stop binging? I am trying so bad, but every thought about stopping the binge just provokes it further on and it is spinning out of control so badly.

I have been watching a lot of movies and sticking thinspirational pictures all over my appartment. When my cousin is going to return, she will freak out. Honestly. Because out master bathroom mirror and the central mirror of the living room are densely covered on the sides with pictures of alternative models and such.

On the other hand, while trying to rid myself of jet another binge, I also managed to make a complete list of rewards for weight goals.
Now the point is, I can get the reward ONLY if I manage to keep the exact weight or below for a week. Even 100 grams over and no deal. So here is the list:

77.5 kg - manicure
75.0 kg - 2 more ear piercings
72.5 kg - massage
70.0 kg - navel piercing
67.5 kg - new platform boots
65.0 kg - trip to England
62.5 kg - a back of the neck tattoo
60.0 kg - custom made corset

Also I got to know that He is planning to come here again for a weekend sometime in the end of February. We are actually planning to go to the Combichrist concert together on 22nd. I have waited for that concert forever. Totally couldn't believe my eyes when I saw that they are coming to Latvia. Want to see them so bad. I'll probably use my heavy weight size (not as heavy by then I hope) and platform boots to kick my way to the front. Because I love being in the front line in the concerts for the bands I love. I remember that in Das Ich concert I even got to sing a part of the song in the microphone. That one was epic. Loved it so much.

Anyway. I want to do some exercises to burn off at least a tiny bit of what I have eaten in the last week. I am such a mess.

Thursday, 27 January 2011

Damn! *Ranting - read at your own risk*

So I went to the gym and wanted to pay for the month using the same card I had last year. BUT! The gym people obviously want to get as much money out of us as possible and they stated that I need to re-register, meaning I have to caugh up around 60 more dollars on top of the $45 I have to pay for the month. Of course, being the unemployed student I am, I don't just have $100 dollars lying around my wallet to pay up. So, I took my obviously useless card and went back home to mope here.

Seriously! WTF?! Even the monthly pay is enough to get me thinking wether I really want to beg my parents for money, but this was a shock I wasn't exactly expecting. So yes. The guy there told me that they will have some sort of price reduction for Valentines. However, looking at their home-page makes me think that it will be one of those "come train here together with your sweetheart" things, which don't exactly work for me, since I am pathetic and single and have no friends. Hooray... >:/

I fucking hate Valentines on top of that. The one day in the year which is made to make me feel like shit and hate the world even more. And this year is not going to be any different. Because, of course, He has appeared in my life, but let's admit it - He is not exactly here, is He? But all of those mushy, discusting Valentine cards, figurines, balloons and all that shit are (Not like I want Him to get me any of those. Dear gods! I would probably hit Him, if He would. I might be cliche romantic, but DAMN! are those ugly) So yes... *deep breath*...

...*one more deep breath*...

Ok. So I guess I'll be looking out for that price reduction thing. Maybe they won't be as much of asses and actually let single people not feel like shit.

I hope that things are going better for you all.

I'm going to make my schedule things. Try including some home exercise (in your face you fucking gym-bastards). Oh and I am thinking to join in the 200 squats, 100 push ups, 100 sit ups and World Plank challenges. They sound good enough for me.

Promising day

And after all, I couldn't get to bed like a normal human being yesterday. Went to sleep at 1 am. Just two hours after the time I had planned. Which, of course, means I got less sleep as a result. Oh well. I'm going to wake up completely soon enough, since I am getting my lazy ass to gym in approximately 15 minutes :3

The weather forecast on my toolbar informs me that it is -12 degrees C outside. I wonder if it is time to get my fur coat out. Nah... The autumn/spring coat is still adequate. Will just wear a jacket under it.

Ever since the moment I wrote yesterady that I will make a daiy schedule, I have been longing to do that. I guess I have a serious thing for lists and schedules. I used to make them daily. Like planned out the whole day minute by minute. I even had showers and getting dressed planned out to the minute. I want that again. I guess that I will try making them today, when I return from the gym.

All right. Off I go to start a nice day ;)

P.S. I am beginning a four day fast again. I am guessing, maybe I should make that a weekly thing - no food wednesday and up? I am not sure about the possibility to do that though, since everyone alwyas celebrate things in the weekend. And I go out drinking partying generally. Well, I can try anyway. Not like it changes anything much in my life. Or maybe just make Monday to Friday a fadting period and eat something just in the weekends? I'll think about it while in gym.

Wednesday, 26 January 2011


I am sorry for the long absence. Of course, for regular people some four-five days is not much, but for me it is like a century. Actually I was planning to not write till the moment I get back to 75 kg. But this has totally not worked like I wanted to. Actually it corrupted me into eating more and hence gaining. So I won't allow such an epic fail idea again. And I will be more careful with the "in control" feeling. Yeah... I tend to get careless with that and saying that just a little snack won't hurt. It never works out and turns into something unbelievable. No one would believe me, if I would actually admit how much exactly I can eat. So yeah.

So I decided that motivation with rewards would be much more appropriate in my case, since there are things that I really want.
So, my first goal is to get to 70 kg and keep it below that level for a week. Then I will get my bellybutton pearced. It is something that I have wanted to do for quite some time already, but yeah. Fat girl with a pierced bellybutton doesn't classify as pretty in my book. So that is my first deal with myself. I have some ideas for next ones too, but I'll be thinking about thse later on ;)

It has been a tense time for me, so diet and blogging weren't exactly on my mind much. However, from tomorrow it is going to be all right again. I won't have to be scared to get on the scale. And I am going to go to a gym again. And fast again. And know that I can do things for myself. And I will make a daily scedule for things to do so I stop postponing all the stuff to the moment when it is actually too late already.

I really want to go to that gym though. The exercise machines are practically screaming for me to get to them. It has been too long.

So off to the bed with me now, so I can get up bright and early and get away from my home and all of that discusting food which tempts me into eating for stress-relief.

One more point, I cut my thigh again. Not poud of it, but it was such a familiar relief. Now to get those cuts healed before someone notices.

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Last night

Was Epically awesome :)

I just returned from my singing lesson, where I sucked. Seriously, since I am so very tired. I mean, I was home at around 8:30 and was awoken at 11:20, leaving me to blessed 3 hours f sleep after a whole night of seriouos partying. Actually I was planning to go dancing with the people who were at my place the last night, BUT since I decided to drop in my ex-working place to take my headphones and have a nice chat with the colleague... one thing lead to another and yes. We drunk a lot there, danced (on the table) then went to another bar and continued drinking, and then drove to his place and smoked weed xD And then I caught a bus home very tired, tipsy, etc.

Anyway. The night was awesome. Ok. I had said that I will not be drinking till mid-february, but oopsies happen xD I am proud that I didn't buy anything to eat though. I did eat one slice of orange and a coctail cherry though. Let's, of course, not count the calories in the alcohol.
So I am still fasting. And guess what? I broke 75 kg. In the morning I saw 74.8 kg. So the idea of getting down to 73, which I had in November, doesn't seem like such an impossible thing anymore. And I still have two days of no food still. Then I guess I'll be having a kefir day on Monday. Not really solid food, but still. I just REALLY want to lose that discusting fat.

On the bright side, I could control my eating even while drunk and smoking. Awesome feeling.

I am so much in control at the moment it is cute :3

Stay strong, lovelies.

Friday, 21 January 2011


The night turned out different then planned yesterday. It was fun never the less, but different.

So the peeps got really trashed while still at our place. And my cousin was so slammed that we decided just to stay in and not go anywhere. Actually it is a pity, since I wouldn't have minded dancing.

So anyway. Around 3 am the others left, since they have job and exams and whatnot today. And me and my cousin went to sleep. She was feeling not so sharp though. She told me that the world is spinning xD And she got sick. Which would be ok, unless I wouldn't be cleaning the apartment this morning. And the bathroom had some technical difficulties and obviously went all discusting on me. So hooray... :/ That was not so lovely.

And I was awoken at 8:30 am. Meaning that I am sleeeeeeepy.... But have to write my essay and probably tonight I'll be going dancing, since the people from yesterday are going out tonight and blackmailed me into coming with them. I know it will be fun, just I am laaaaazy as fuck today. Bleh...

Fine. I should quit whining about actually having a social life. Some people actually want it xD

So bye for now. I'll try to motivate myself and force out the damned 10 page report out of my unresposive brain.

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Day 1 fasting - done

Today has been a success. I feel really in control over myself and it feels So Good. I have missed this.

I have been having only water and Coke Zero, which is 1 kcal for half a litre. So basically, while my cousin and her friends are getting smashed with cocktails and sangria, I am clinging to my 2 litre bottle of Zero. We are going to go out soon enough. And since I don't have enough money, I'll be having just some water and dancing the night away. More calories lost.

Today I went bowling with my band too. The six of us played for two hours. Actually it was pretty awesome despite the fact that I thought it will suck big time. You know, I usually really suck at bowling. All those three or four times I have played. However, today was ok. I didn't kill anyone xD And actually managed to win one round. Score. Though the bastards at the bowling hall turned off the mayor lights and left only the neon lamps. It was pretty, of course, but with my screwed up eye-sight, I had trouble aiming. At least as good as I was able to when the lights were on. Anyway. It was nice. Good, fun two hours. The only downside was that I really wanted to have a beer together with the guys, since I am used to drinking together with them. And one of them ordered the garlick bread, which is devilishly tasty and smelled so good. But I controlled myself and got over it. Smiled like a retard, when I understood that I could.

Anyway. There are eight nice, loud people behind my back talking about drinking and having fun. Good times :)

I hope that you are doing well, my beauties.
Keep on being awesome <3


I'm feeling really tired despite some 8 hours of sleep. That is really the thing. Too much food makes me so tired and useless.

Whatever. I'll be better in no time. Water for breakfast.


It might be wrong and twisted in most people's book, however, I am going to fast. Until Monday sounds good to me. Then I will se how it goes. Maybe prolong the fast, maybe not. I'll see. At the moment I just NEED to get the control back and reverse the damage I have done. Desperately need to. I am so tired that I have no control over anything. Anyway. Someone willing to join me?

So the only thing I have to do, is making sure that I keep myself occupied with all sorts of things. Tomorrow shouldn't be much of a problem, since I am forced to go bowling with a couple of people. Quite honestly, I don't really want to, but whatever. It is a good way to keep myself busy. And I have a music lesson, and I'll probably go dancing tomorrow night. Then on Friday and the weekend I'll burry myself in the uni related projects. Maybe go out dancing again. Don't know jet. So going to be busy, busy, busy.

Today I found a strange relief in playing scales on the piano. Peaceful. Just have to concentrate on the fingers. And that's it. I'll probably be annoying neighbors with those for some time. And doing all sorts of chord sequences. Never thought that I'll find something appealing to me in solfege. Glad that I did though, since I have to learn all of that stuff till entrance exams.

Oh! And planning to get my ice skates sharpened. I want to go skating this weekend.

Tuesday, 18 January 2011

I wish...

... I were stronger...

Had a nervous break down over an exam. A teacher told that I had not done a part of it and that I won't be able to pass this year. Went mental.

Then turned out that I have still passed. Not with a good grade (6 out of 10), but still a pass. So whatever. Should be happy....

But went even more mental.

Lost any sort of control over myself.

Binged, watched three random movies - don't remember much of them, went to a shop to get more junk, binged, threw up from the amount of food, cried, binged again, feeling terrible, watching "The Best Little Girl in the World" (without sound, since YouTube sucks like that), cried again, got a migrene on top of the nausea, self loathed, wished to cut again or swallow truckloads of pills, didn't. Now just feeling morally empty. So much for diet. So much for everything.

Not going to give up though. Maybe the diet was not for me. Maybe I just should not eat. Like at all. Maybe... I don't know anything anymore.

It was not a good day as you can sense.
Never mind the post. I'll probably be ok in the morning. An all night self loathing session will do the trick. Wasn't even planning to write here this time, bet felt that it would be like lying to myself. Like, if I don't admit to someone that I have failed so badly, no one will know, and will think that I am strong and such... What's the difference, if I still know? Better just admit it and take my mistakes in account.

Hope that you are doing better then the horrible failure that is me.

He hasn't texted me today. I don't know if it is good or bad. I wish He would write. Since I miss Him so much. But on the other hand, I don't want Him to write now, since I would probably turn into an even more of an emotional mess, since His messages are all loving and beautiful. Like yesterday evening he wrote about the beautiful ocean and full moon that is there and that: "heart breaks since I don't have you here to share this..."
I am so lucky to have a person like that in my life. I wish I were better. Stronger for him.
Now I am all emotional again. Some sort of a crying period for me...

Monday, 17 January 2011

Something extra for today.

Brightday*b - I seriously think it is common. Especially during the exam period. A person should be crazy to like the exam period :D
Though sometimes I believe it would be nice to be away from my parents. I love them dearly, but they are so overprotective that I just get more stress out of it. Funny, but I always really wanted to live in a campus and share a room with other students. Though that was never an option, since the student houses here are meant only for those who live further than 60 km from the city. So yeah. That stays just a dream :D

Unrelatedly - just watched soldier home comming video on youtube. This one here:

Cried like a little baby. Now my mascara is all runny and I have panda eyes. It is so emotional and beautiful. And in some strange way - very thinspirational. At least for me. Since I totally lost the thought about the cookies that my cousin left on the table and thought how I need to be skinny when He comes home. And now I have this huge, stupid smile on my face, run down mascara, and red eyes. Awesome! Fit for a beauty queen xD

Anyway. Good night. Love you all!

Diet and uni stuff

Thank you for all of your lovely comments, Scarlet. I really appreciate it :) It is a lovely feeling to know that someone really is listening to whatever I have to say.

So returning to the main thing - the day 1 of my diet is over. Today I had:
Lunch: A half bowl of boiled cabbage with vinegar (because I hate oil), two boiled eggs and a glass of tomato juice.
Dinner: 1 serving of pangasius slightly roasted in 1 tsp of olive oil (no salt. Just some pepper and spicy paprica)
Total of: 282 kcal. Score~

Skipped the brekfast coffee, because I was late for my university and had no time to run to my parents and drink some. Good enough for me, since I HATE coffee xD Also had prepared more boiled cabbage for lunch, but couldn't stuff it in. The taste was so plain and just eww. So threw out half of it. Pangasius was good though. I liked that.

On the other side (the not so bright side) - my university SUCKS! I hate it with a burning passion. I wish it were over already. The teachers don't give a damn about me, since I am alone in my year for Japanese language. I shouldn't even be here. They should have said - either come next year or not at all. And I would have said: "Screw you, fuckers. See you never!" Because all I care for is enrolling into a music academy this summer. And then I will be happy and satisfied doing what I really want to do. Took me long enough to figure out what I want. Now I can't wait.

Anyway. I still have a presentation to prepare till next tuesday, a report to write till next wednesday, an exam to go to tomorrow, and, of course, the bachelors thesis that is hanging over my head like a sword of Damocles. I hope that this semester there won't be any shit lectures I don't care about. Just self tought Japanese with an exam in the end. I can survive that.

That is enough venting. Have to persuade myself do some of the damn report.

Have fun lovely ladies!


Weight - 76.5 kg
Height - 171 cm

Breasts - 100 cm
Underbust - 82.5 cm
Waist - 78 cm
Lower waist - 94 cm
Hips - 104.5 cm
Thighs - 62 cm
Arms - 28 cm

So that is way better than last Monday, BUT no way as good as I want it to be. I hate that my thigs are so huge and that my stomack shows the discusting fat. I don't care how much work it will involve and how much restricting and dieting and fasting. I'll get back to myself! Fuck it! I can do it!!! :)

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels <3

So this morning breakfast according to the diet consists of one cup black coffee. No milk, no sugar, no nothing. Just coffee. I'll tell you a secret, I hate black coffe. The fact that the diet consists of so many things that I don't like taste wise, makes me not want to eat. Because I know that all that I will be eating won't be so tasty :P Take that, fat!

Time to write into my diet supposrt group. The girls there have no idea about my eating plans though. Neither of them would support regular fasting though. So neither of them will know. I just wish I had a fasting/exerising buddy here.

Anyway, this is close enough for me.
Love you girls!
Stay strong <3

I am such a kid

I LOVE cartoons with a passion. Have been watching them all day :D
Begun with "How to train your Dragon", followed by "Tangled" and finishing up with "Tinker bell and the lost treasure". The third one was not so awesome. But I giggled all through the first two. I adored them! Definitely keeping them in my movie folder to watch again and again and again :D

Did some exercising during the third one. That was quite nice. And I am feeling all bouncy at the moment, because I'm listening to "Aerosmith". And that reminds me of the time they came to Latvia. That was so fantastic. I hope to see them again some time.

Ok. I am off to a quick shower and sleep. Have stuff to do tomorrow.
Good night <3

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Why is everything so tasty? :/

I should be really shot whenever I decide to cook for my family. Because it is all so damn tasty that even I am having trouble stopping myself. Seriously, I love and hate the fact that I'm so good at cooking.

There is still a small peace of yesterdays cake left too and it almost feels as if it is speaking to me. But no way! I have eaten too much already.

I made all sorts of musroom dishes. And they were fantastic. My mom and dad were so happy.

My granny just hates it when I cook better then she does, since that means that she gets pushed out of the kitchen and that is something like an unforgivable act. But she makes everything so fattening that I just want to kill myself for even looking at it. So even the FAT food that I prepare is unbelievably light in comparison. So yeah.

But tomorrow I am beginning my diet. Yay! Can't wait. And I am going to measure myself again. I hope I see some good changes.

Anyway. Going to watch some movies again.
Bye, bye for now.


Stepped on a scale again. And I am 76.6 kg. Not as much as I expected to see after yesterday's food flood, but not what I was aiming for till 15th. So now I'll have to work twice as hard to get to my next goal 71 kg till the end of January. So that means 5.6 kg. It would have been just 4, if I hadn't been binging a lot during the second week of new year. Ok. No difference if I start to bash myself about it now. Just hard work, lot of liquids and diet, diet, diet :)

I woke up just recently. Slept almost 11 hours. That is so crazy. But I feel really rested. That is great. I remember I was dreaming a lot. And not just pleasent dreams. It all mingled between good dreams to really bad ones. Like fire in my apartment, cats, robbers, maniacs, cutting hair, travelling, falling and not being able to climb stairs or walk, and load of other things. There was so much going on. Like a month's worth of stuff in a real life. But it is so blurry, that I can't remember anything that really happened. That is such a crazy thing about dreams. Why is it that we forget them all the time? I would love to remember. I'll try looking up some meanings for what I still remember. That is always fun.

Ok. I am off to my parents. They are probably wondering, where I am.

Have a great day and see you later.

Saturday, 15 January 2011

Good day.

So much food for lunch D: But nothing else afterwards. So that is still good. I just feel so full. Tomorrow I'll be trying to have as little of the food I prepare, as possible while still not causing any suspicion. I feel good about it. It should work :)

And I got to know that I won in a Captain Morgan (yes, the Rum) competition. So I get a gift certificate to fly with a paraglider. How awesome is that? Whoever said that alcohol is bad for you? It brings me so much joy xD This is going to be LEGENDARY!

Oh and I have been texting with Him today. He is having fun and a long ride with a bike and I want to have one too. Stupid winter with it's stupid heap of snow. I wish it were spring and I could go running and ride my bike and swim... And look gorgeous again. And He is going to come to Latvia again some time in spring. He should at least. I promised Him a cake, when we meet again. I hope bribing works well enough. It has always worked fine :P

Ok then. So now I am going to finish watching "The League of Extraordinary Getleman" and hit the sack. I am so full and sleepy.

Good night <3


Hello again, my lovelies.

Today is going nicely up till now. And hopefully it is not going to spoil, though with being borderline manic depressive, it can all go wrong all the time. I am just hoping that nothing is going to trigger me.

At the moment I am preparing my mom's birthday lunch. And it seems so tasty. And all of my apartment smells so good. And it is totally not helping with restricting. But I am just trying to push that thought back to the bottom of my mid, so that I just don't think about everything and don't get myself upset. Especially since I am trying to be a nice person today.

The cake I made yesterday turned out glorious. I would seriously not want to praise myself, but DAMN! It was that good. And everyone loved it. I am so happy. But no more for me. One peace was totally around 400 kcal. Now the lunch and I'll probably will be somewhere around 1600 kcal at the end of the day. Who knows. But at least I don't feel a binge coming. That is nice.

However, I guess I'll have to postpone my diet to Monday, since some of relatives are coming tomorrow, and I will have to make food for everyone. And we are planning fried mushrooms. And I'll think something up for that. So yeah. Nothing much I can do about it.

But anyway. It has been a nice day.
I'm off to take out the chicken.

See you later and stay strong :)

Friday, 14 January 2011

Such a silly, clingy idiot.

Finally I am feeling better. I guess that the alcohol is gone and out. I should stay away from it for a while though. Planning to do just that. So I am thinking about not drinking at all till 11th of February, when I have a Nameday (which is like a birthday. Basically - the day of your name. We celebrate that here in Latvia). And 12th is my cousin's Nameday, so we are planning to go out and PARTY both days, which are luckily Friday and Saturday :P So yea, A Big Deal.

Now I am listening to some really up-beat Latvian music; a band named "Prāta Vētra" (or "Brainstorm"). Makes me feel less tired and sick. Which is nice for a change.

And I still have to stay up for approximately half an hour. I am baking a cake for my mom's birthday tomorrow. The recipe said it is low calory. But making it made me think that they have been lying. If that beautiful concoction is low calory, then I am a vegetable. Which I am rather sure that I am not.
I am also planning to make some chicken fillets and stir-fry vegetables for lunch tomorrow. I'm going all out to make her happy, since lately I have been a bitch and I need to make up for it somehow. I hope she likes that.

So there will be no diet tomorrow. I am just wondering how much will I be able to eat, since my stomack still feels sort of sore. That would totally not be a good thing to hurt myself with food. I'll see how I'll be feeling in the morning. Should be ok.

And then I am starting the Japanese diet on Sunday. It is ment for 13 days. I still need to buy some things for the first few days. Like tomato juice and fish. I am really eager to start with it. Because I have good memories connected to it.

Also He went away today. He was totally out of it yesterday too. A bit too much absinth I guess :P I already miss Him. I'm such a silly, clingy idiot. I wish we would live in the same country. That would be awesome.

The cake smells so good. I can't wait for tomorrow to try it. And I know it is tasty. I licked the spoon xD

So bye, bye for now.
Stay strong!

11:15 am - Shit.

Just woke up again. After the previous entry I ahve been going to bed and waking up some four times. And every time had to run to the bathroom to vomit. I have no idea what I was still getting out, since everything was out after first two times. And just something bright yellow came up. I am guessing that was stomack acid. I wonder if my cousin noticed. Shit.

I have to talk to a teacher today. But I really don't feel like I'd be able to go out of the house. Shit.

I have a singing lesson in the evening. I don't know how I'll sing with my stomack cramping up. I hope I don't throw up on the spot. Shit.

I didn't reply to my moms phone call yesterday night, because I didn't notice it was ringing. I bet she is freaking out. I need to make myself decent and go to her. Shit.

I am drinking water and my stomack keeps cramping. I have a feeling that it is going to come up again. Shit.

I guess I am not young anymore. I normally never get hangover but at the moment I just want to die. Shit.

Scale showed 76.9 kg. Meaning I got rid of all that I ate in my week of binging. Hooray.

4 am blog

As the title says, it is 4 am and I just woke up. From the content of my phone, I am guessing I was home somewhere after 11 pm. Not bad. Just I was so slammed that I don't remember.

What I do remember is throwing up in a bus. I am so sorry for the cleaners.

But seriously, I don't remember how long has it been since I had gotten sick from alcohol. But it is a disgusting feeling. Honestly.

Lots of water for me. Probably will throw up again soon enough.

On a good side, I don't think I'll be wanting any food today. Too sick to eat.

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Fasting plans.

I have decided to go on a two day fast. So it is 9:15 am at the moment and I am not going to have anything to eat until Saturday 9:15 am. Saturday is my mom's birthday, so there will probably no chance to get away with not eating then :/

After that I am going to switch to the 13 day Japanese diet, which worked nicely for me some time ago. And really kicked up my metabolism. It was really good. So that is what I am going to try again. Even though it includes meat. Whatever. As if I wouldn't sin with the meat anyway. I am not much of a vegetarian.

It is so early in the morning and I have an exam at 10:30. I'm so screwed over with it. I just hope to pass somehow. Whatever the mark. I don't care. Just pass and forget about the shit.

And in what universe is it ok to start a morning with a beer? It is ridiculous! 9 am, an hour before an exam and I am drinking. Andromeda, you are one sick puppy! I just hope that my tired body won't just pass out in the middle of the exam. That would be embarassing :/ And probably would freak out the teacher. And she would probably call an ambulance and they would find out I have been drinking. And then my parents would find that out. And then I would be screwed. So hopefully nothing like that is going to happen. I'll live. I know, because I deal with stuff like this all the time.

And overthinking is not going to help me in any way. So whatever. For all I know, some alcohol in my system can help me relax a bit and start talking all sorts of foreign languages xD So maybe it will be helpful. Maybe I should have gotten vodka, not just a beer xD Ok. Ok. Kidding.

Ok. So I am off to pass that shit-exam. I bet I can :P
And then I'll try planning out a way to meet Him again. Because I need it. I need to feel something real again.

So stay strong and let us fast :3

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

It is funny

It is so funny when a person that you know for eight years suddenly tells you that they have been in love with you all the time. Just too self-conscious to say anything. And the fact is that I have also been too shy to say anything to him. And last night it all gushed out over some (ok, ok. a lot of) beer and champagne. And it sort of creeped me out to hear that. But in a good way.

I mean with him I can be me. Hundred percent me. With all of my insanity and borderlines and depression and manias and obsessions and laughing at things that normal people don't consider funny, but highly disturbing. And I can do that, since I know he is just as anti-social, obsessive and crazy as I. And that is good. I don't need to change what I am for him.

And I am sort of high at the moment, since kissing him was so strangely satisfying. Like I would be with my own mirror image (no, not creepy at all). Except my mirror image sort of changed gender xD And I am rambling, but that is how my thoughts are spinning in my head right now.

And I want to be better. I want to be more beautiful for him, since I want to say thank you for loving me, despite the fact that I am not as skinny any more as I used to be in high school. And I want to get back to that now more then ever.

I want to be gorgeous the next time he sees me. And god knows when is that going to be, since he is going to UK on Friday to study. But that will probably give me at least till Easter to perfect my image. And that probably sounds funny from a person who has been living on sugar based products for the last few days. Maybe this is sugar high? Or still alcohol high? Or just high on the surreal situation? Probably the last. Because I stopped expecting good things from life. And now something good happens and I am terrified that I'll wake up and it will still be yesterday morning and nothing has happened. And we'll just sit with our beers and watch some movies and laugh at strange things. And there will be no confessions. No nothing like that. And life will be completely average again.

I want to see him again even though he left just three hours ago. I want to hold on to him and really feel that I am not dreaming. Just some sort of real proof that it is not just my imagination going berserk. Just proove to myself that I am not completely crazy jet.

Tuesday, 11 January 2011

Mmm... Alcohol... + Confession day 7 - Lust

So it has been one hell of a time lately. Feeling horrible with myself. Lost interest in everything and not even slightly bothered to revive my interest. Periods suck. I can't practice singing, since vocal chords are swollen and my stomack hurts and I have an attention span of a one year old. I want to sit around and watch movies all fucking day. And I want to cuss at people who are near me.

But anyway. My ex-classmate is coming for a visit tonight. And bringing some beer. That already clasifies as good. So hopefully it will be a good evening. Despite the fact that I feel like shit.

Tomorrow in the evening I'll try going to my ex-working place. Turns out that they still have some moneys for me. That is awesome. Can't wait. I so wish that I could have stayed there. I loved working in a bar. I could get slammed all the damn time and feel sort of good. Sucks for me that I didn't get enough money to cover rent for apartment, food, studies and everything else, so I was forced to quit. Can't have it all.

Day 7 — Lust. Seven love secrets
The one point that I have been dreading, since now I am going to embarass myself. But here I go anyway.

1) I have had a major crush on both of my best friends. Who are girls. One of them is straight, the other one asexual. I am bysexual.
2) I have never had real relationships. The closest thing to a relationship was with the last guy, but turns out it was just convenient fucking for both of us.
3) I am manic depressive. Meaning, I switch between hipersexual and asexual phases depending wether I am going through a mania or depression.
4) Almost all of my sex life consists of one night stands. I have had more partners then some people do in their whole life. I have had a maximum of three guys in a period of 24 hours. Not proud of that.
5) I had my first kiss at 15. I was a virgin until 18 years of age.
6) My first sex was a rape...
7) ...I still like it rough...

Monday, 10 January 2011

Day 6 — Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.

1) Music. If someone would say that I am not allowed to have music, I would momentarily kill myself. It is my anit-drug.
2) Sugar containing products. When something has a high level of sugar, I literally can't stop consuming it, until it is all gone.
3) Movies. I start with one, then another one, and antother... Until I go for an all week/month/whatever time period marathon.
4) Shopping. Seriously, I could spend any amount of money.
5) Sex. No explanations necessary.
6) Alcohol. Again pretty obvious.
7) Procrastination. I think I find some sort of high in putting things off.

Unrelatedly. My period begun, like I thought it would. So today I am extra discusting emotionally. Better keep away from people alltogether. Though I have to go and discuss my essay with a professor. Fuck it. I hope that I don't go all bitchy on her.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Not in my happy place.

Day 5 — Greed. Seven worldly material desires.

1) Unlimited amount of money (which would actually render any sort of a list unnecessary, since I could buy everything xD)
2) A new iPod. Half of the buttons don't work for my nano, and the classic one fell into a water bucket and is sort of gliching all the time :/
3) A new laptop would be sweet. But I would have to look really hard to find one to make me happy, since I hate the touchpad thingy and use only the tiny mouse button in the middle of keyboard. And those are SO difficult to find.
4) Some new platform boots.
5) Some beautiful corsets.
6) A gothic nightclub :P
7) And less materialistic, but the one that I would actually want the most - an opera soloist position in an opera house...

So this is a beginning of a new day. Way to get myself sort of depressed, since I can't have these things now. But I am not in a cheery mood anyway, so who gives a damn.


It is 1 am and I should so be sleeping. But I feel like crap and decided to watch a movie. Being a social cripple that I am, I had spent a whole evening looking for absolutely disturbing movies so I could enjoy myself a bit. And one that I got for me tonight was "The Human Centipede (First Sequence)".

And you know what? I liked it. I liked it very much. I liked the deranged German surgeon making his human centipede. I liked the blood and gore (of which there was unexpectedly small amount). I liked the insane idea. And everything. Well... Maybe remake the ending a bit or something. Though it was bloody brilliant as it is as well, so I don't have any complaints really.

Now, if you look at the trailer, you'll probably get the whole idea. And probably will stick me in the mental assilum material folder. I love being a sociopath. In a way at least.

Saturday, 8 January 2011

Don't want to talk about it.

I really don't want to talk about my food intake for the last two days. I'll be trying to get back to normal tomorrow. I think no food for two days would be adequate. My stomack hurts so bad.

Day 4 — Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.

1) I neglect my university. Hate it so much, that I have no wish to do anything about it.
2) I neglect exercising.
3) I don't study solfege enough.
4) I am just too lazy to start anything that I am not hyped up about.
5) When I am drunk, I just pass out on my bed, without changing clothing or showering.
6) I keep forgetting to water my plants.
7) I am too lazy to bring back my overdue books to the library.

Friday, 7 January 2011

So I sort of binged a little last night. Generally, I try not eating meat. And generally, I can do it. But last evening, during my fight with a panic attack, I suddenly felt as if I need all the meat in the world. And I had quite a lot of meat products. And I was sure that I destroied the weight and will be back to 77 today, but I am not. 75.7 kg! Score. 0.3 off since yesterday morning. I am so happy I could fly, unless I wouldn't feel this heavy from yesterdays mini binge :/ That is a real downer for my mood.

No wonder I wrote that some sort of illness is coming. This morning my throat is all sore and Iam sniffling a bit. Shit! I have a singing lesson in the evening. Can't miss it. Absolutely can't! Lots and lots of tea for me till then.

And finally for my 7 days of confessions:

Day 3 — Wrath. Seven things that piss you off:

1) The fact that nail polish seems to never hold on my nails. It is all chapped the next day already.
2) My tendency to procrastinate. I hate the fact that I leave everything for the last moment.
3) Very thin people who whine that they need to loose weight, but in reality it is just to make everyone say that they are so beautiful.
4) Fat people who say they need to lose wight, but don't do absolutely anything about it.
5) People who are late all the time.
6) People I can't have an intelligent conversation with because they don't know anything.
7) Idiots, who judge people for appearance.

Ok. I am off to exercise my but off.
Stay strong!

Thursday, 6 January 2011


I feel some sort of sickness closing in. That is why I mixed minced garlic with couple of spoons of organic honey. Should help me get over this. And it tasted really nice.

Had brussels sprouts and two tofu slices for lunch. Have to think something up to make tofu tastier. Othervise to mee it tastes like cardbord :/
Been doing pretty much nothing till now. Just felt like writing something to keep me sane. I am trying to keep a panic atack at bay. I feel it coming though and that is horrible. I completely forget what is going on and keep shaking and all I want is to hide and cry and be miserable. And wallow in self pity since that is the most pleasent feeling at the moment.

I am guessing that my period might be coming and that is why I am a total emotional wreck.

Have to take deep breaths. In.... out.... in..... out.....

I just wish I wouldn't have anything to do today. I won't be in a happy place and I don't know how well I'll interact with people during a panic atack. Maybe I shouldn't go to the repetition today. Write that I have a migrene or something. That wouldn't be a total lie, since I actually do have a minor headache. But that is something that I would normally just brush off. If I am not screaming from pain, the headache is a total sinch. Peace of cake. That is the thing about migrenes, you get a totally different perspective on the pain levels. Minor pains don't count anymore.

Fuck... I am starting to freeze. And my heating is up and I am sitting here in a warm sweater. Shit!

In..... out..... in..... out....

New Morning

So there are some blogger issues, but switching back to the old posting version has taken care of that. At least for now. Anyway.

Been working on my bachelors this morning. Managed to make my page of contents and part of the introduction. Actually I am really excited. Never thought that I will be, but I am. Strange. Soon enough I'll be going to my adviser to talk it over. Maybe she can suggest some good books about the topic or something. And I want to go to the library again. Still have some stuff to get from there and read. I already have a heap of quotes from books, but I need more. And I need to contact some opera people in Japan too. I need to use some books in Japanese too, so yeah... I need to do that.

Secondly, according to my weight. The fasting day did a world of good. This morning the scale showed 76.0 kg. I am so proud of that. Especially since yesterday was so hard for me, control wise.
This morning I have eaten a small slice of liver-cranberry patee and a bowl of muesly with soy milk. I still have my leftover steamed brussels sprouts from the day before yesterday. So that is going to be my lunch. And for dinner... I'll see if I actually want something. Since I'm having a repetition with my band at 6pm. And it is till 10pm. So afterwards I'll be just tired and cranky and sleepy. Most likely, at least. And I am not going to eat anything that late.

On a different note, today is the second day of confessions :3
Envy. Seven things you lack and covet:

1) I envy all those people who can eat everything and not gain weight. I know several who eat so much and nothing sticks to them. And they even want to gain weight.
2) I envy women with really long hair. I am trying to grow mine out, but it just isn't going past mid-back :/
3) I envy very rich people.
4) I envy people with rock hard self-control. Since I can't control myself in practically anything.
5) I envy people who can sew really well. I know I could too, but I lack motivation to learn.
6) I envy famous singers. I want to be just as famous.
7) I envy mothers. I don't even know if I'll ever have children.

Stay strong, everyone.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011


Feeling so light headed. Like I would be drunk again.

Good night <3


Went away from the available food at my parent's kitchen. I can't risk going into an uncontrolled phase again. Sitting in my apartment and just feeling hungry. I've had so much water and tea today that I am totally not thirsty. Just hungry. Really would like to eat something. But I have planned this as a fasting day, so it will stay like that. Just have to stop thinking about it till I go to sleep.

Shouldn't be too difficult. I have nothing to eat here and when I go back, mum will be home already and mere sight of her makes me stop eating. She is always telling me that I have gotten fat and have to think about what and how much I eat. She and granny together make me want to fade in oblivion.


Don't misunderstand me, I love them. I love my parents with heart and soul and I know that they do too. I know that they have my best interest in their mind, just... I am really self-conscious already and telling me what I haven't done and shouldn't do makes me feel really worthless.

I am struggling with myself and failing. They say that I should just stop victimizing myself. And I can agree. I just don't know how. I am trying. I am pushing myself to limits and I feel so vulnerable sometimes. And I explode at everything. And I know that they think that I hate them. But it actually is myself I am screaming at, when I lash out. I hate myself for being the worthless daughter. I am the only child. I know that I'll have to take care of them later on. I know all that. And I am trying to be strong. Like my mum is. She is a very strong person, but she doesn't understand me at all. And she misunderstands me and gets upset and depressed. I have caused depression for my mum and she is occasionally going to a therapist herself. It feels god awful to be this bad of a person.

Just because I am different then her she can't accept me. Just because I listen to gothic music and wear black all the time, I must be a devil worshipper. Just because I don't ace my studies, I am not trying...

I am not trying. Not anymore. I don't feel like trying anymore... I just feel like disappearing...

So I'll become so light that I'll float like a leaf together with the wind. I'll float and disappear in the sunlight... It will be like magic... Just watch me...

7 days of confessions.

Saw this in one of the blogs and decided that it is nice enough to try out. The point is: you have to tell things about yourself:

Day 1 — Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
Day 2 — Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
Day 3 — Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
Day 4 — Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5 — Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
Day 6 — Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.
Day 7 — Lust. Seven love secrets

So today is Pride:
1) I love my voice
2) I think that my breasts are gorgeous. Despite the back pains.
3) I love it that I can succeed at whatever I want.
4) I like my hair color. I will never color my hair.
5) I like my fantasy world. It is the best place to be.
6) I like my overactive imagination (though sometimes it might get a tad too out of control).
7) I love it that I am good at cooking.

That was strangely difficult. Wow... it is difficult to find seven good things about me :/

I don't get it

Why does my weigt fluctuate anywhere between 77-79? How can it happen during a day? Especially if I don't even eat much. I mean, it is normal that weight fluctuates, since I drink water or eat something but that ususally is inside 1 kg limit. Not like bloody two or three! That is not even funny :/

Scale shows 77.3 kg. And I have no idea what is the weight going to be in the evening. Anyway, should be less, since today is a fasting day again.

I am already stressed out, because I have to go to an exam after 4 hours(and I am afraid I'll flunk it). I want to crawl in a corner of my room, right under the desk, and not come out for a week at least. I still have to read a couple of files about juridical shit. I can't gather strength to open them.

Shut up, Andromeda! You can do it, you whiny bitch!

On a positive note. Just understood how much I like Staind. It hadn't occured to me to look up the name of the band for some of the songs I really like. And today I did and at least two are by Staind. So got my hands on the discography and am losing myself in the depressive feeling.

Here is my top song for today; "It's been a while". It expresses my thoughts so perfectly. It is strange, how some person somewhere has said what I am thinking:

That is all for now.
Stay safe.

Tuesday, 4 January 2011


...sometimes feels bloody brilliant.


Feeling so full and I didn't even eat that muchfor lunch - just brussels sprouts with soy. Obviously I didn't need that much either. Which is awesome. Makes me happy. Sort of.

I actually think that I got to a way to limit my food intake to just the amount I would really need. The key point is chewing each mouthful minimum of 30 times. Takes a hell of a long time to eat. And makes the body understant the point at which it is full already. And makes my jaws sore from all the work they have to do. And that is awesome. To think of it - it is just like that. When I binge I practically swollow the food whole. With all the chewing and counting I have to concentrate and can't stuff everything in. Especially since when I start thinking that this is enough. It will show up on scale otherwise and I start feeling really guilty and so on. So that is good. I think I'll put my money on chewing :3

Now I have to go out and fetch a shampoo that I ordered. It makes my hair grow faster. If you ever have a chance to buy hair products from "Davines" I suggest them strongly. They are pricy, jet awesome. Thiking that I could combine going out with some running. But the fact is, the streets are full of snow and I have no idea, if I'll be able to run at all. So yeah. Anyway. I can try.

Bye for now.

I know I suck

Of course, I didn't just stop at that yesterday. Still had more to eat; a couple of sndwiches, more halva, one more cottage cheese dessert, milk and honey... Seriously! And it seemed like I am going to pass it without binging. Shit! I should get away from any possible food when I feel a black out coming. Because I can't really explain this anyway. One moment I was sitting peacefully and compiling a music list for exams, the second moment I am standing in the kitchen and eating. It is impossible for me to be around food. And the bad thing is that I feel so sitty now. My stomack hurts and I feel hangover. Just like every time. Don't I ever learn?

But ok. It is not like I can change something about that now. Move on and try not making the same mistakes again.

Yesterday I went to sleep in a decent time. Around 11 pm I was already in bed. And hence could wake up at 6 am like I prefer to do. I am a morning person. I just fuck up my daily regime by not sleeping at nights and staring blankly at the PC screen. I should sleep at nights. Especially since I don't care about going out anymore. I just don't care about practically anything anymore. It doesn't feel good though. I used to care about everything; about guys liking me, about studies, about going out, about people in general. Now I am just empty. All that caring faded and left an empty space. And it is cold, since caring was a warm feeling, but emptyness is freezing.
No fucking wonder I am eating. Maybe I should go to a shrink like my therapist said several years ago. She said she will not work with me, because she wouldn't want to be responsible for my death later. She said that psychiater would prescribe me medicines and help me better. I fucking don't need help! Fuck them! I have always dealt alone. And I always will. So this is a bit more complicated then usual, but who gives a damn. In the end there will always be me - Alone.

Now my mood sucks and it is the beginning of a new day. I have exam tomorrow. Oh how fantastic! Whatever about eating, I'll be fucking lucky not to stab myself before sundown.

Monday, 3 January 2011


My exams ar coming and that makes me stressed out. For obvious reasons. I am in the senior year in my uni, meaning, this is the last one. It is finished after one semester. I have to write my bachelor's thesis and pass exams and then I am done with it. I am done with the damn thing and going to get my diploma to stick on the wall and forget about.

I don't have any interest in my lessons anymore. Actually, I sort of lost it in the first year already, but I always wanted to prove to the world that I can finish something, since I generally never do. I lose interest really fast and move on to different things which seem by far more appealing to me. Actually, I was quite sure that I am not going to finish this either. I had a study break for two years. And then I re-entered my last year just to get that diploma thing. Because I couldn't tolerate that look of disappointment on my parent's faces. And they were so delighted that I decided to carry on. Like, I don't remember them being so delighted about something. And then I went and distroied it by admitting that I did this only to finish. That I hope never, ever, EVER to connect my life with it. No matter what! Since I hate it so badly that, if I should choose, pulling teeth seems much more appealing then university.

I want to sing. That is the only thing that I think about. I wake up with the thought and I go to sleep with it. I want to enroll a music academy and become what I am dreaming of. And I know I can. The only thing is that again there are things that I am not so fond of that I just have to do. Like Solfege and history of music and so on and so forth. I can't just sing which would be my dream. To make my dream come true is so important to me. But there are so many people applying every year and the academy only accepts some 10 or so. And I have never studied in a music school, so I have not theoretical knowledge what so ever. And it scares me to the point of panic attacks.

And as a singer I have to be presentable. The time of lard ball opera primadonnas is over. I look at the modern opera stars like Renee Fleming and Natalie Dessay and a whole bunch of others and I am awestruck. And I know that they have to struggle too, because it doesn't all come down to the quality of voice now. I mean, look at the aforementioned Renee Fleming. She also lost a whole lot of weight just to be better for the roles. And I can understand that. I mean, I also have certain ideas how the women in the operas should look. Like Violetta in "Traviata". She can't just be fat. Or Carmen. Or Juliet. Or Mimi (Who dies of tuberculosis in the last act just as Violetta. Somehow overweight and tuberculosis doesn't add up at all. Not that I want to look sick. Just thin). Or Cinderella (A fat Cinderella. That would be a riot xD).

On the same note, I have not been entirely good today. Ate more than planned and trying to think myself out of a binge. At the moment I feel that I am at a relatively safe place. I belive I can deal with it. Just get over the thought that I need to eat more. I didn't really eat all that much either. Just a bit more than planned. Muesly with soy milk for breakfast. A couple of slices of cheese. Lettuce with cucumbers and shrimp for lunch. And a moment ago I got some not so goot things like a cottage cheese desert, a slice of halva and a sandwich. I know that it is not horribly much. Just I could have went without the halva and the sandwich. It was more like an impulsive action to eat those. Anyway. It is practically 6pm and that means that I am not going to be eating anything more. Will try to do some exercise to get it off. I know it is not that hard. Just have to concentrate.

I am sorry for the long rant. Just had to get it out of my system.
Stay safe!


So it is the first Monday of 2011. I don't like mondays. At all. But I have been good till now.

Scales showed 77.1 kg in the morning. Means that I got off what I took up during New Years celebration.

I seriously hate the damn focus on eating during holidays. WTF? Is that seriously the most important thing? And my grandmother is always walking around asking what we want to eat. And she does that every day all the time. Whenever she sees someone she feels like it is a sacred duty to feed them or something. And then she comes to me and says: "Wow, Adriana! You should start thinking about your weight. You have gained some." Thank you, Captain Obvious! Why do you think it happeneed? Maybe because of the potatos and sauce that you made? Nah... Of course not.


Ok. I am done wenting.

As for measurements today:
Underbust - 81 cm
Waist - 78.5 cm
Lower waist - 94.5 cm
Hips - 105 cm
Thighs - 61 cm
Arms - 28 cm

Which is a strange decrease... And I can't really explain it. Hmm. Something to brighten my day and motivate :D

Haven't been doing much exercising though. I overworked my muscles and they have been horribly sore. Could baely walk, sit down and such. But today I am practically fine again. So tomorrow I'll be able to do some exercise. Good news again. Maybe I'll do some in the evening too. I'll see.

But now to go and prepare myself something. Probably muesli with soy milk :3 Yum.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

Good bye 2010.

It is 0:43 am and the new year has begun. Honestly - I don't have many hopes for it. It is supposed to be my zodiac year, but I am feeling far too apathetic to care.

Absolutely nothing interesting happened in the family diner either. And I don't know whether that is good or bad. I just want to sit around and stare at my computer screen until I pass out. That is right about it. I don't even have the energy to sneak out of the house to try and go to my friends, who are most likely having a blast. I don't care anymore and that is a bit scary. It is like there is total emptyness in the place where my heart used to lie. There is nothing anymore. Or rather, there are random self-centered thoughts that are flashing, lingering for a moment and passing on. And whatever.

AS for food, I am feeling really bloated. There was so much to eat tonight and a lot of things that I had always wanted to try, like different sorts of cheese and stuff. So, of course, I ended up munching on random things throughout the evening. It was not like a binge, but it was very long diner. I bet I lost all of the progress that was this morning. F*** it. Whatever. At least there was a decent cause tonight.

On a different note - my thighs hurt so much from exercising in the morning. I can barely sit down or stand up. Going up and down the stairs is painful and so is simple walking. I hope I am going to be able to exercise in the morning. Not just miserably sleeping in my bed and not capable of getting up. We'll see.

See you later.