Sunday, 27 March 2011


I am so tired and there is absolutely no reason for that. Have been sitting on my ass all day and watching TV. And daylight savings suck! Seriously, it is 8:20 pm already. Feels like it shouldn't be that late.

Yes... And I guess some more elaboration about that last post should be due. umm... I don't even know where to start.
Well, probably it would be the best to start off with the fact that I had a lot of fun in the concert. It was real awesome. We had a photoshoot with my band playing-ex (that's too long to write out every time. Let's call him Bill) and some more friends, had a lot of beer and Jagermeister. The other Ex actually told me that his girlfriend is crazy jealous of me, which made me lol really hard.

But yes, getting to the point of yesterday's post. I have a really hard time with accepting and/or giving love openly. In the 8th grade I had my first BIG crush, which resulted in a disaster and me having a nervous break down and going absolutely mental. My classmates found my diary and after that my crush and the rest of my class made my life a living hell. Basically they drew me to the first time of trying to commit a suicide.
And after that point I don't trust people. Anyone at all. And also I promised to myself never ever to say "I love you" to anyone unless I would be 200% sure of the feelings in return. Basically I said that I will not give a shit about love ever again and hopefully won't have to deal with this tedious feeling.
So at this moment for me to really want to go and scream at the world that I love Andy is terrifying to me. I just don't want to be heartbroken again. I am too tired to pick up the peaces all the time. And I know that even now, if he would break it off, I'd be devastated. And what if I get these stronger feelings? That would probably drive me to the point of madness. And I am afraid to let someone have that much control over MY life.
So maybe that explains a bit more about what is going in this twisted little world that I call my mind.

But on to more cheerful and way shorter side of my post.

Day 5 (100 kcal) of ABC is done. Actually didn't even feel like eating at all. But had some lettuce with a spoonful of plain yoghurt and 2 small carrots. I really hope to see a decline tomorrow. I just don't want to be fat anymore. Enough is enough.

Oh. My parents just arrived, so I am signing off. Have to go and greet them.
So bye, bye. And till later.


  1. I find commitment really difficult too. For me thats your 'i love you' thing. I need to feel like I can see other people, not be tired down. I actually hate it when people promise not to hurt me, like judge them a little bit because of past experiences. I feel for you darling, be strong and lovely.

  2. My night wasnt the best either. I am catching up on blogs and then will post what happened. Stay strong love!!

  3. That is so awful that someone would create such harm to another. You must've been so heartbroken. It's so awful that you had to have been through that. Understandably it would be difficult to have any type of intimate loving relationship after that. However, u r strong and at ur trying sweety.
    Congrats on the awesome ABC day.
    Stay strong girl!