I don't know how I feel again. Somehow, I have gotten to some sort of a deep emotional hole today. I guess that I can't get too much happyness in my life. Soon enough I start second-guessing myself and I corrupt myself to fall in to an abyss.
Needless to say that I have binged like crazy. The disturbing thing is that I don't feel guilty, or sad. I don't reall feel anything at all. Which is way worse.
Anyhow. I want to be good. Maybe that would make me feel something. It should, shouldn't it?
On other hand, I look at the small bruise/hickey on my hand that reminds me of the beautiful weekend that I had with Him. And I am compelled to smile, remembering the hickeys I left on His neck.
Maybe my mind is throwing me into this abyss as a self preserving action. I know myself well enough. Nothing works out with people - girs, guys, romantic, friendly, whatever. I just screw up somehow and lose everyone dear to me. That is how it goes. And after the last fuck up, I had decided never to love again. But now I feel like that eternal freeze is coming undone, and I am terrified. And the worst thing is, that He has returned to England again and here I am just being able to read His lovely messages. And the more I read them, the more freaked out I get that I might screw up the best chance at happyness I have ever had. He knows me. 100% and He hasn't run off jet. But what if He comes back after a month and this time I say or do something that will freak Him out?
I know I am acting paranoid, but I don't know any better. That is what defines me.
I wish I could be more beautiful. I wish I were smarter, more interesting, more mysterious, more of everything. I want to be all the He would want to have. I would want to wake up to see His face in the morning and I want to feel His hands around me proving that I am not going to wake up to find myself back where I was before.
And this insecurity has thrown me into feeling that there is no control what so ever in my life. None at all.
Why can't I just rip my heart right out of my chest and throw it out? It hurts too much to have it...
I actually understand in some part how you feel. It's awful getting close to people because they just rip your heart out and burn it, and then you have nothing. But then if you don't get close to others, you feel nothing. lose/lose. There's no way to know. I like my boy, and when it comes time to decide if it's worth burning my heart then I will. Sending you skinnies darling, I hope this confusion and worry clears up son.
ReplyDeleteI kinda of understand how you feel. <3 But you need to let love in!!! and he seems to accept you, and that is just wonderful. Chin up girl :) x
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