Weight and decisions

So I am not really much lighter today than I was on Friday, but at least I am not freaking out about it anymore. I think that I broke it. Actually I had gone up to 71 on Saturday morning when I woke up, so I crawled into a hot bath and spent almost an hour just being there and focusing on my breathing. I guess that I calmed myself somehow, because I stopped flailing around and suddenly the obsessive, desperate need for food disappeared somewhere. So I don't feel like I will eat everything that I lay my hands on at the moment. That is a very nice feeling. So much calmer.

And I am 70.1 today. Or rather, I was in the morning. Don't know about now.

I decided that I am quitting my 500 kcal days and just going to eat breakfast and dinner every day. I have a sneaking suspicion that the limiting days were one of the reasons why I broke down in the first place. I just can't let myself think that I am taking something away from myself, because at that very moment I will do everything to sabotage whatever I am doing. It has been like that all the time really. So I should have probably understood that strictly limiting days are not going to be the way to go in my case. But then again I never seam to learn from my mistakes, so whatever. Thank god that I caught myself just a bit over 70 not back where I started as it normally happened. I just really don't ever want to see a weight that is nearing 80 again.

Andy got ill in the weekend, so I asked him to stay at home while I got the food shopping done for the week. It was a pain in the ass to carry the things home. Absolutely dreadful. I couldn't walk without stopping every now and then. I really can't understand how could I have so much weight on myself and actually exist. I don't know if what I carried home was equivalent of what I have lost now, because I have lost around 20 kg now and I don't think that the bags were that heavy. But how could I go dancing or walking anywhere at all then? How could I wear a mini skirt and think that I looked great? I feel terrified to think how I looked like really. I remember how horrified I was when I actually noticed how big I had gotten. I just really wish that I never have to experience that again. Food may be delicious and soothing, but it is not worth the shame and misery that it has given. It has stolen so many years from me. Time that I will never get back no matter what I do now. I am not going back where I was and that is a promise.

On a positive note, my database course is proceeding nicely. Have a deadline today for some parts of it that I managed to do already yesterday, so that is pretty awesome. And also finished the challenge level SQL exercises today. Will try doing a part of the XML ones tomorrow. Hopefully this will come in handy some time soon. I have a review on Wednesday morning with my manager. I am a bit anxious about it, because I haven't really had anything to do as of yet. At least nothing that would keep me occupied for a period longer than couple of hours. And mostly I have been spending my time doing other things. I want to bring it up to her that it is a bit confusing for me to be around here. I don't have any idea what I should be doing anyway. Really want to have some kind of a project that I would invest my effort in.


Also the opera practice is going on well enough. I feel quite confident about myself and think that I will do really good. The producer and conductor keep noting that I have a beautiful voice. I really hope it is so. I don't want to screw up something this important to me. I never really thought that I will after all manage to be on a stage. Can't wait for the performances, honestly. I know that I am anxious, but it is a good kind of anxiety. The kind that makes you perform better. Also I want to learn one of the main character's arias. It is a really lovely peace and I will perform it in the exam if I can prepare it. I have given myself up to June when I have to already be in a presentable state. So then the last month and a half I can polish off my performance to the level where I would be reasonably happy with myself. That is something that will not come easy. But I am really looking forward to this. And I am really happy to know that I am going off to my repetition in just a few minutes. So very happy. I really hope that I will manage to get into the academy. Maybe that is going to be a foolish decision, but at least it is going to be mine. I can fight for this. Music is the only thing that I keep dreaming of.

Well, I'll try writing tomorrow. Let you know how the repetition goes.

Stay lovely.

Binge

I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. 70.2 kg today and probably more now, because I had a shitload of muesli in the morning. I ate all evening yesterday. It was purely pathetic. Made a huge bowl of noodles with mushroom sauce and showed them in my face. Then proceeded making popcorn as well and had some plums and dried fruit and nuts on top.

I feel so horrible. Honestly, it has been quite some time since I have had this bad of a food hangover. I feel like I haven't slept at all and am so horribly lethargic and miserable. All I want to do is crawl off somewhere and not come out until my body has gotten rid of everything that I have eaten in the last couple of days. I feel really horrible about myself.

And the worst part is that Andy tried calming me down today, when I was freaking out about it and he kept saying that I am beautiful and so skinny and everything. I really wish that I would be able to see it. But all that I do see is that my thighs are huge and are rubbing together, the muffin top over my jeans and huge arms that look terrible in anything without sleeves. I wish that I could see good parts about me. I wish that I would be able to feel good enough. I really wish that I wouldn't pick up only on bad things about me.

And the worst part is that I really wish to be comforted at the moment and the only way how I have been dealing with it in the past has been by eating some more. And this is not working at the moment. I feel so much more miserable after I showed my face full of food. But I still have the temptation to go and have some more junk just because that is my habit. Just because that is how I have been dealing with everything.

I just want to be able to change. I wish that I wouldn't want to eat so much when I am upset. I wish I could be a normal person, who is able to have a good relationship with food, not someone who can't be in a place where I have access to food at all. I probably should just go home and eat quite a lot of prunes. That would get rid of some stuff that I have eaten. But then again prunes are quite calorific and I don't know if I should do that. But what do I have to lose really? Maybe I could arrange that I am going home a bit early today or something. Grab some Big Tom's spicy tomato juice on the way home, add some more Tabasco to it and wash down prunes. That would most likely ensure that I would have a fun night in the bathroom, but possibly could do some major cleaning.

All I can do at the moment is just to have a load of water really. Maybe that would already flush out some water weight that I am retaining at the moment. I don't know what to do.

All I know is that my body is on the verge of throwing up. That is how overstuffed I am.

Back on the diet bandwagon. I'll try having mostly fruit all through the weekend and hopefully I will be back under 70 tomorrow.

Wish me luck. I really need it.

Anxious and stressed

I am not feeling very well at the moment. Sitting here in the office and shivering wildly. It is so cold for some reason and it appears that I am the only one who is cold as everyone else keeps windows open and sits here in t-shirts. Also I am brutally tired. All I really want at the moment is put my head down and sleep. Maybe not even put the head down. My eyes seem to by trying to close of their very own volition. And that has been like this for most of the day. I don't think that cycling to work could have exhausted me this much. I really doubt it.

I am very hungry. Honest to goodness, I would fuck up my diet if anything at all would be here. I mean, I could nick a packet of crisps from the shelf, but a packet would count for 750 kcal and that would mean that I can't really have anything afterwards. I am so miserable at the moment that I have no idea what to do. I am afraid that I won't be able to cycle home normally and get stuck somewhere in between and have to walk for a long period of time.

I think that I am having an anxiety attack at the moment. Really need to pull myself together.

And I think that it was caused by the fact that I couldn't go running in the lunch break as I had planned. Damn guys in the office fucked up my lunch break time by going late and at the point where they were back, I couldn't go anymore as it would be too late. I hate it when I make plans and can't do what I was thinking. It makes me miserable and pretty much lost. And in this case has caused stress and anxiety and a bit of self hatred, because I failed to run today. How can I succeed with anything if I can't even manage to go running in my lunch break.

I am so very tired and really need Andy to calm down. And really need to go home right about now. I am scared that I will attach those crisp bags like a hungry animal any second now.

Just have to endure. Just half an hour.

Love has returned

Andy is home. Finally the part of me that was missing for the last week is back with me. I slept so ridiculously well tonight. Even though it was just for some five hours, I woke up really rested and happy. No matter that it was Monday and I had to crawl out of home to go to work. I know that in the evening I will return home and he will be there. That is all that really matters. I think that I really can't be alone anymore. And that does make me think that maybe trying to enter the music academy isn't going to be the best idea of my life, because that will mean that I will be seeing him so much less. But there are no guarantees that I will be accepted, so I think that I am jumping a bit in front of myself there. So I will try and stop doing that.

So on Saturday night our friends came to visit me while Andy was away. At least I didn't feel all that lonely for that evening. It was a very nice thing of them to visit. I made some vegan food for them. Tried out the vegan schnitzel that I found in the health food shop. It was really good. Tasted a lot like meat that I hadn't expected at all. So I am probably going to introduce it in the normal food routine on quite a regular basis. at least when I get a desperate craving for a stake.

Found some more vegan stuff in the shop, so I will be probably expanding on the available recipes that I have. That is a really nice feeling.

However, today is my under 500 kcal day again. I haven't had anything at all so far and I know that I will get to have some snacks only around 11pm. it is not really great to have anything that late in the night, but I know that we will have the Graze box delivered with some snacks, and I don't think that I can avoid having half of it together with Andy. That will pretty much cover some 300 kcal right there, so I don't really have an option to have anything else. Which is a bit of a bummer, because I would kill for something right now. Something that is not water at least. Or not cold water. I actually want to have a cup of tea quite a lot, but then I would have to participate in the tea rounds with the others. I don't want to do that. All I want are some two cups of tea during the day, which I never have now. I just really don't want to make drinks for everyone especially because they have drinks like every hour or so. And if you make a drink just for yourself, you are severely frowned upon. I guess that I am not a team player. I would strongly prefer that the drinks would be made by individuals or at least that making myself a cup, wouldn't be considered a breach of etiquette.

Anyway. It is just half an hour left until I can sod off from here, so whatever really. It is not like I will die from the lack of tea suddenly.

I am going off to the repetition afterwards. Have been looking forward to it very much. I think that I can start practicing singing again from tomorrow at home. The cough is almost completely gone now, so that is pretty good. Took it long enough already. I really should already know the text though. Shame on me for not really managing my time better. Should have studied yesterday, but felt really tired, so I didn't. Basically sat on internet all day long and did nothing worthwhile at all. And that is such a stupid thing to do when I am pressed on time on several things. I really should reconsider how I do things. Maybe draft a basic daily plan for stuff. Maybe that would resolve my miserable time management skills and break my procrastinating vibe. At least I wish. I really don't get it how people manage to do things in a timely fashion not as a last second thing.

Oh, even though I have gained in comparison to yesterday, when I hit 68.8 kg, I feel really slim today. Did some measurements and it appears that I have lost 4 cm from my waist and 5 from hips. That is pretty awesome if you ask me. Especially the hips. I really want to have slimmer thighs, so that they would not rub together when I am walking. That is a very frustrating feeling and really uncomfortable in warm weather. And now the summer is approaching and I really want to look good. Don't want to feel ashamed when looking at a picture of me in a swimsuit or to try specifically coming up with a position where I look the least fat.

So that is all for today really.

See you all tomorrow.

Friday ramblings

So yesterday was my under 500 kcal day. I was really hoping too see some downwards movement in my weight. However, all I got was 100 g off, so I am 69.4 kg. I know that I shouldn't feel disappointed about this number. It is already an amazing result that I am under 70kg in under two months. But I just really would wish to have the number go down faster. It is a stupid wish, but there is nothing that I can do about it. It is just my miserable wish to have my own body back not this one, which is fat and unhealthy. I don't want to feel ashamed when I look in the mirror. I know that I did this to myself. I was the one who got my body this horribly out of shape.

On a positive note, I tried on a dress that was too small for me and it fits like a glove now. There are even some places on it that I would have wanted to be a bit tighter. That was really nice. I just kind of wish that I would have an occasion to put it on. Otherwise I can wear it at home and that is not really the best idea since it is a really nice dress. I would really need to go to a theater or something along the lines.

I am really happy that it is a Friday though. I feel so tired lately that I don't know what to do with myself. Also woke up tonight at 2:30 am with a complete certainty that I have to get up. Actually did get up and crawled off to the bathroom. Afterwards looked at the clock and crawled back into the bed and under the blanket. I suppose that I should not drink a liter of liquid right before going to bed. It throws off my body and makes me wake up in the middle of the night all disoriented and all.

I am thinking that I might invite two friends over tomorrow evening for a vegan meal. One of them is a meateater and his girlfriend is vegetarian, so I don't think that they are really used to completely vegan stuff. Well, that would be a change in their diet as well and I don't think that it is such a bad thing. It is quite nice to try out something new every now and then. And why not try something that is healthy and delicious at the same time.

Andy is coming back only on the night from Sunday to Monday. I am disappointed of course, because I thought that I will be able to have him for myself for half of Sunday. This is probably another proof why assumptions are bad. You get pretty disappointed, if they come out wrong. So I kind of dread the weekend alone. Don't know what to do really. I know that I will find stuff. I could just as well play videogames all day through. After all I haven't had a chance to do that much since I am too ashamed to play while Andy is home. He is not super awesome at them, but he is way better than I am, so I generally don't play much. I don't even know why, because he really supports my attempts to play. It is just my stupid mentality that makes me ashamed of stuff, if I am not bloody brilliant at it at the first go. Probably should start reconsidering it and working on it, because I can't just avoid doing stuff, because I think that I suck at it. Like that I will never get better at anything.

I am thinking that I will postpone singing a bit more. I still have some of my nasty cough, so I don't want to do some damage by being a bit too eager to start again. Even though I am pretty pressed for time. Have just until the end of July to get myself in a pretty good level so that I would have a chance in hell to enter the academy even in the group that has to pay for themselves.

Anyway, I think that this is all.

Take care and have a great weekend.


Becca: Thank you for the encouraging words. I always am arguing that people are not made for running. At least I most certainly am not. Hopefully I will get better though if I start doing it regularly.

Thursday stuff

My legs really hurt today. I am so unfit, it is completely ridiculous. I don't understand why I suck so badly when it comes down to running. I would have though that if I can walk for long periods of time, I would be able to run as well, but no, I am half dying after every minute of running. Hopefully I will be able to train myself up eventually. My goal is to be able to run 10 km in under an hour at the moment. It will take a fair share of training though because as it is I am completely useless.

Had the midterm exam for the database course today and kind of fucked up. Had only 12 out of 18 in the end. Was kind of hoping that there will be two chances at it, so I just jumped the gun with the first attempt and obviously there was just one attempt. Should have probably though that it will be like that. It was a damn exam after all. I don't think that you normally get multiple attempts at passing an exam. So that was stupid. I just hope that I haven't fucked up my chances to get a certificate with distinction in the very end. I would like to be able to put that on my CV and in my linkedin. Maybe I would be able to get something reasonable that I would be able to do from home in Latvia in the evenings or something. Hope dies last. I know that I should probably do some web design course as well and carry on with the programming lessons. After all, that would give me a shot at a work that I would be able to do to help me take care of myself without actually having to come in.

I guess that I will be going off from work a tad earlier today though. There is not much to do and I will be getting a lift to the station, which is really nice.

See you again soon enough and I promise a longer entry then.

Really tired

For some reason I feel completely physically drained today. It is really bad. When my alarm clock run I was lying there in the bed and had to take some five minutes to actually will myself out from under the blanket. I would have wanted nothing more than just to stay there for so much longer. If it was a holiday it is highly possible that I would still be curling under that blanket and refusing to leave the soft, warm safety. I am hoping that I will snap out of it though, because I pretty much hate feeling this lame. And if I keep on being this lame, it will be so much more difficult to get up when my lunch break comes and to go for a jog. Honestly, I want to just sit around and do nothing. Which I am kind of doing at the moment as again I have pretty much run out of things to do and all I am actually doing is sitting around and doing work unrelated things. I do kind of worry about it. I wish that there would be things that I would be able to do as I just feel silly sitting around.

Well, when I am saying that I am just sitting around, it is not really that I am just staring blankly at the screen. I am studying about databases and learning SQL so that I would maybe in time be allowed to do something more. Though honestly I don't think that I care for this work at all. All I care about is that I would be able to sing again. I live for the evenings when I have my opera group and now that Andy actually is picking me up after the repetition, it is even better, because I get to see him so much sooner and that is really nice. And I get to be with him in the car, which I find very soothing.

I wish my work would be in an opera house. I wish I could be in a choir there. I don't care if I don't get to sing the huge roles, even something tiny every now and then would be welcome. Even if I would be just in the choir and not even have any solo roles at all. I really wish that would be so.

I am going to try and enter the music academy this year. There are no guaranties that I will get in of course. And that would mean that I would be with Andy much less than now. I don't know if that is the right thing to so. I am afraid really that I will fail really badly and that I will lose everything altogether. I mean, I don't know how much of a carrier I have here, but at least that is something that I am getting paid for. I don't know what to do. I want to sing with all of my heart, but I am afraid that it is too late now. I wish there was someone who could tell me what to do, so that I would not be heartbroken in the end. And I do fear that I will be.

I am so lucky that I have Andy. He is the only thing in this whole world that can keep me sane and operational.

I really miss him now...

Sadness

Andy had to leave tonight to go to Latvia for his granny's funeral. She died on Saturday morning. I am really sorry that I can't be with him. It is such a hard time when someone passes away. And I really think that I should be there. Through thick and thin. But I couldn't get more holidays. That is out of the question. I already had to take three days off last week as I was having a really bad fever and lost my voice completely. So I am going to be paid less this month already. I just couldn't do anything about it. But I feel so bad about it. I know that it is not correct that I am sitting here at work.

I will come back to an empty home this week. He will return only on Sunday, so my Valentines day will be spent by myself again. I wish it wasn't like that. But there is nothing that I can do about it. So might as well stop moaning. I'll go home, light a candle for the granny and spend a week by myself.

Today was a good day weight wise. I broke a new barrier. I was 69.5 kg this morning. I haven't seen a 6 in the beginning of my weight for eight years. I was really glad about that. And maybe I will be able to drop down to 67.5 by the end of this month, which will mean that I will have dropped 10 kg since I started vegan diet on the 2nd of January. I really hope that I can do that. I don't know if it is possible, as that would mean losing 2 more kg by the end of the month, but the hope dies last. I really hope that I will not suddenly break down food-wise again. I have had a relatively low breakdown amount this year, so I am again hoping that it will stay like that.

So now it is time for me to go home, do some singing exercises, warm up the vegan pie and have a quiet evening.

Take care and see you soon.

TGIF

I love Fridays. Not with the passion that I feel for Saturdays, but that probably is the second best day of the week. I love knowing that soon I will be done with the work week and I will be able to go back home and have a chilled out weekend.

Furthermore, I have plans for tonight. We are going out with Andy and his work mates. One of the guys is leaving to work in a different company. He is a cool guy. I do hope that beer evenings will not be lost.

But yeah. We are going out and I will have some beer and all will be awesome. I am a bit worried though that I will probably get quite slammed really fast. Because I have not been eating as much as I used to some time ago, alcohol has become so much more potent. I had a beer recently and felt a bit tipsy from just one pint. That has never happened before. Also, I hope that I will not do something stupid food wise when going home. Because I have a nasty habit of having really bad alcohol munchies. I think that I might need to take an apple or something like that for when I am coming home just so that I don't go and blow everything on a burger or something along the lines.

I'll just have to trust myself there.

My weight has fluctuated slightly. 100 g up, but that is ok. Actually I am really surprised. I thought that it will be way more. I made amazing rice noodle and peanut butter dish in the evening and Andy and I had enough for me to just nap on the couch afterward and huff about having more than I actually needed. But it was so worth it. I actually was thinking that probably it will not taste all that good. Somehow the combination of noodles, peanut butter and paprika didn't make me go all 'YUM! That should be amazing', but I am so glad that I did risk it. Definitely will be making this one again some time soon. Andy liked it too, so that is good.

I am really surprised that Andy has so far liked all of the vegan food. He generally is a meat person. But he even enjoyed the cauliflower dish that I made last weekend and he normally hates cauliflower. I am so happy that I can make these things and make them delicious enough that I don't just lust for meat all day long. That is good.

Also I understood that it is a pain in the ass to go out to a restaurant. Since we are going out today, I was sitting there last night and studying the menu of the place. There are not really many opportunities that I would be able to get. Possibly am going to get some fries and the green salad. Again depending on what kind of oil do they use and other annoying things. I am so frustrated that there are no vegan or vegetarian restaurants in Reading. Well, we could probably go to London some weekend and go to a vegan place. I have been browsing a great deal on the happycow.com and even managed to find a vegan Japanese restaurant. That would be cool :3

Also I am leaving work early and not taking my lunch. So I get an extra hour at home to get ready to go out. Which is cool. I like being home early. Also am really hoping that the score for Patience will be there already. Or at least tomorrow morning. I really need it. Actually the person from the opera group called in yesterday and said that I might get a small role in the production. That would be so amazing that I can't even believe it. I have to wait for Monday to get to know that. Fingers really crossed :3

I think that this is all for today and most likely I will see you again on Monday.

Stay lovely!

Annamaria: I am definitely going to reward myself with shopping spree. That is planned for the next weekend, when I will actually have some money to spend. Planning to go to a sports shop and buy myself all new sports gear :3

Not overweight anymore!

Today is a celebratory day. I have reached 71.8kg and that means that I have entered normal BMI zone. How amazing is that? I absolutely can't believe it. Honestly, I cried this morning when I saw this number. My goals suddenly feel realistic and possible. It is not like I am just fighting my weight with no results. I am so happy. So unbelievably happy.
Fatsecret.com threw a warning that I am losing weight too fast. I actually feel so proud when I get it. Like it is something that would prove that I am losing more than just the scale. 'Warning! You are losing weight at a very fast rate!' Just confirming that those really are my numbers make me proud. Do you get that too? That feeling that you are doing really well just because someone is trying to warn you about it? Probably do. I guess that it is just natural.

I do fear that I might break down though. That is a constant thought in the back of my mind. That I will get too comfortable and start sinning here and there with food and it will come back. I do worry about it. I really never want to go back to what I was. How miserable I am in my relationship with food. I don't know how it will go once I actually do reach my goal weight. Where do I go from there? Can I maintain or is it just going to be a constant struggle where I will go up and then will have to battle it all down again? I hope that it is not going to be like that. I really hope that my body will finally get used to eating healthily and I will start eating to live not the other way around. All I can do is hope that it will be so and that three months of being Vegan will teach me how to rationalize my food intake.

I think that I will be trying to stay mainly vegan after the three months are done. But I think that I will also have occasional snacks of non-vegan variety. Just because I don't believe that it is good to deny my body something that it craves very badly. Like this week I was craving potatoes and having some was good and I even beat my mini goal of 72.5. My new one is 70, of course. That big target, which will mean that I will be back to the weight that I was in when I was in the period of 17-19 years. I really can't wait. I want to be down to 65. Just to know that I will have done something really spectacular and gone back to my weight when I was 15-16 years old. I rally want that.

Just to feel beautiful again.

Forgetful me

In the morning I woke up and thought, crap, I forgot to post yesterday. Well, there is nothing that I can do about the missing post yesterday, so I just thought that I will post now. Just to make sure that I don't forget again.

Honestly speaking, I think that the reason why I forgot to post is that I don't really have much to talk about. Nothing much has happened lately, so there are not many new impressions that I would be able to share and it feels sort of that I am just ranting randomly about things that have no value what so ever.

However, today I have at least something to say. Today I weighted in at 72.4 kg. I am absolutely ecstatic about that. I haven't been this low for some 5-6 years now, so I am just really glad about that.

Andy also has managed to lose some weight, and his colleague even asked if he has lost some weight, so he is happy about that. Well, considering how much he is exercising, I am absolutely not surprised. And he looks amazing. I just really want to hump him until we both can't move anymore due to exhaustion :}

Ehem...

Oh, I made really delicious food yesterday with sweet potatoes, yellow gram and mushrooms. Still have two portions for today, so don't have to make anything in the evening. So I will be able to practice some singing.

I am pretty glad that it is Wednesday already. Somehow I am feeling pretty tired and just want to stay home and do nothing. Or to go for a walk or something. I am pretty broke at the moment though, so that sucks. The pay is going to come in only on Thursday next week, so I am really expecting it. I want to buy some trainers as my previous ones fell apart and possibly to start running in the lunch breaks some three times a week or so. That should give me a kick to lose some more weight and I can also train some so that eventually I would be able to go and run a marathon. That is one of my coveted life goals.

I don't think that there is anything else going on. Doing some studies and some work. Kind of bored during the work hours, so I am trying to squish in some educating of myself whenever I can.

I guess that is all.

Stay lovely.

Under the weather

I am feeling really under the weather right now. And honestly, I don't think that my nauseous feeling has anything to with the beautiful snow that is outside. Yes, we still have snow and that is awesome. Although it is melting and I don't like that. I should like that probably since I should be cycling to work not taking the train. I really should because I have overspent my budget for this month. Really overspent it. I am down to a miserable £20 to my soul and I still have until the end of the month to get to work. So I like it or not, I will just have to wear something warm and get on the bike. I probably can get some money in the end of the week, because Andy is getting payed and I can scavenge a bit from him to at least last me for the next week. Though I should probably not do that.

Anyway. I got sidetracked.

Yeah. I am feeling a bit ill. For some reason I was feeling nauseous yesterday evening already, but I slept it off and thought that I am feeling ok in the morning, despite the nasty taste in my mouth. But then I got the same nauseated feeling while in train and it hasn't gone away so far even though I am drowning myself in water with a naive hope to wash it down. That is not working. A good thing is that at least I am not hungry.

A bad thing however, is that I will be going home after work and not to the opera group, because I don't want to throw up on anyone :/ I was really looking forward to the evening even though I haven't as of yet received the vocal score that I ordered last week. I know that I will be receiving it soonish, but that is not really good enough as I really need it to start practicing and it is damn difficult to do when I have to stare at the laptop screen to read the score.

I was practicing yesterday and I really hate it how I sound. The voice sounds strained and really ugly, imho. But then again I have never been able to understand when I do sound good and when I do not. I really need a teacher. I need my teacher. And actually I need to be back in Latvia and in a music academy with my teacher. That would be the thing that I should be doing. Unfortunately that is not the option, so I might as well just shut up and stop whining. I can do at least what is in my meager power and hope for the best.

I guess that I am kind of cranky today. Probably because it is a Monday.

I don't like Mondays much.

Well, at least the day is soon to be over and I will be able to go home. Maybe have a yoghurt to ease my stomach and then do some studying.

I am doing an online course on databases and a quiz is due today. I read all of the materials and I must say that I am none the wiser. Actually that is not true. I though that I am doing pretty well, while reading the materials. However, when I read the questions in the quiz all I could think about was 'Oh shit, I don't have any idea...' So I am officially an idiot that can't even follow a damn online course. So I will go home and listen to the videos with a hope that I will suddenly understand more than I am getting now.

Weight wise I think that I am doing ok. Still at 73.2 today, with a tiny loss from yesterday's 73.3. I suppose that this weekend has been successful for me as I haven't fluctuated much. Weight is pretty much consistent at this level. I do hope that tomorrow is going to be a better result. Maybe hit a number that I haven't seen for some time. That would be nice. Well, honestly, I would be happy about any kind of loss. Even if I would be in the 73s still. Maybe the slow and steady will do the trick? Of course, the slow and steady also is getting on my nerves, because I would want to see a result. Probably normal people would say that I already have results. I mean, I have gone dramatically down since the beginning of the year. But I am not going down as drastically now and that irks me.
I am really sorry for Andy though. He is also following this diet with me and he really misses meat. I am pretty ok with the plant based food. And he has gone down just a little bit. I think that I would be so frustrated if I would have actually gone up in the beginning of the month. I am really sorry to see that he is upset about it. Wish I could help. I really do think that he is building muscle mass though as he is going to the gym almost every day and doing a lot of cycling. I really do believe that that is why he is not losing that much. It should start going down though. There should be quite a leap downwards for him.

Anyway.

I guess that is all for me now.

See you tomorrow.

SNOW!

It is snowing so wonderfully today. The ground is covered with quite a lovely layer of the white fuzz, and all of Britain is screaming bloody murder and heading home early :D I find it funny. Andy probably is going to come and fetch me in the evening even though the trains seem to be going fine at the moment. Just minor disruptions as far as I can see in the webpage. Actually I am contemplating letting Andy know that I will just take the train because people get stuck on the motorway. I don't know. I just wouldn't mind him coming over, because I like being around him.

I made a really nice broccoli soup yesterday. It was pretty awesome. And totally easy and fast. So all the good things. I ate too much though. Had quite a large amount of dried dates afterwards too to get rid of the sweet cravings that had pestered me all day long.

Which brings me on to the fact that I gained again, which I don't like all that much. I am 73.8 today. Still under 74, but I don't have to like gaining in particular. I know that I should stop being so worried about it, because weight fluctuations are normal and such. It's just that I really want to see those low numbers again. I want to see the 72s again. I haven't seen them in a very long time and they make me a very happy bunny.

I don't really understand how I manage to gain while eating below 1500 kcal a day. Maybe I should be more strict? I mean, I had some 600 worth of calories by just snacking on dates. Probably didn't really need it. A handful of raisins would have probably satisfied the craving. Oh well. It did seem like a great idea at the moment, so I can't really change anything. The worst part about it though is that I am feeling more hungry today. Have to hold myself together again and train my stomach to not be a boss of me.

Anyway. Today seems to feel quite long and all I want is to go home, make my vegan Mac and 'Cheese' and have a hot cup of tea.

Unfortunately I don't have much to talk about anymore, so I will just end here and wish you all a great weekend :3

Gained and not upset

I gained today. 73.5 kg as of this morning. I know that I was expecting it, but that doesn't change the fact that there was that tiny hope in the back of my mind whispering that maybe, just MAYBE I have managed to go out of the 73s for ever. I know that it was naive, but that's how it is. And of course it is a pity that I not skinny already. I am impatient. That is one of my most noticeable characteristics after all.

I know that I will get down. I finally will have won the fight with my weight. And I know that it will happen this year. It simply has to. I will make sure of it. Even if it will take a horribly long time to do. It already has, really.

All that matters is that I can be positive about it. That is already more than I have ever been able to do.

Also I have been tempted all day through today. My colleague has brought in a selection of cake from his wife's monthly cake club. And some of those looked so wonderful and moist that I have been drooling all day through. That's ok though. I have been able to resist it all day and another 50 minutes won't kill me. Furthermore, I will be able to go home and make some broccoli soup and cauliflower. Actually I will see if I want to have the cauliflower now really. Actually I think it might be better to make it as a Saturday evening snack. Yeah. I think I will have just the soup and some fruit. Sounds like a plan.

What else.

Talked to my mom yesterday again. Told her about the opera group and the opera. I think that she is still really upset that I left to UK and didn't carry on with singing in Latvia. I know that she is. And I am upset that I couldn't have it all. Unfortunately it was a choice between seeing Andy just for a week or so every three months or to lose my possible career. I decided to chop of my career to be with Andy. I don't regret it. I can't exist without him near me. It is just unbelievably sad that I had to lose something that is such a huge part of me. But I know that it will get better. I will turn it around somehow and will be able to get to sing. I just have to practice and be sure of myself. Especially now that I am slowly moving towards this goal.

Andy is coming home later today as he has a work event. So I will have the place all to myself. Also it appears that it is going to be snowing quite heavily tomorrow, so probably I will be needing to cycle in as the trains are going to stop and I will be kind of stuck in this end. Silly UK with their low snow resistance level. I really don't understand how 10 centimeters of snow can stop a whole country from functioning. That is beyond me. But then again I come from Latvia and am used to lovely and snowy winters. It is minus 20 at the moment in Latvia, and it doesn't appear that there is a massive crisis. I miss that. I really miss home. I wish we both could move back there and everything would be right with the world again.

Anyway. That is all for me today.

See you tomorrow, unless the whole of Britain suddenly gets paralyzed by the terrible, fluffy layer of snow.

Kind of hungry

I am guessing that is the easiest way how to describe myself at the moment. I am kind of hungry and want to go home. Which I will be able to do any moment now. Also I am a bit sleepy, so I would glad to have a good night's sleep. And I am quite sure that I will get it tonight, so yay!

The opera yesterday was lovely. I was really upset at the beginning that the main tenor Villaizon had fallen ill unfortunately and couldn't perform. But the young Dimitry Popov was lovely. He really fit his role well and I was enchanted. he has a lovely voice too, so in the end I was not disappointed at all. Maija was gorgeous. She has really created a beautiful career and I am most happy for her. I am always glad that Latvian singers get to sing in these huge opera houses.
I cried in the end, of course. Something about Puccini's music always pulls at my emotional stings. I know the operas by heart, but I cry almost every time.
Andy also loved the performance. I am really glad that I can share this all with him :3

More good news weight wise. I was 72.9 kg this morning. That is just amazing. I do know that it will fluctuate soon, but I am really happy to see the low numbers still. It just makes me realize that I can do this and that I will most likely reach my goal weight this year. I am so happy about that.
Andy is also steadily progressing, which is making him happy and contented. I am very happy for him.

This probably will be a rather short entry though as I am really keen to head on home and I don't really have that much to tell.

So I guess that this is it for today.

Stay lovely!

Good news?

As I left yesterday saying that I will be back today with some good news, I have to keep my promise and actually provide the good news in both instances.

I went to the opera group yesterday evening. Was stalking around the place for a good half an hour until I manged to actually find someone who was from there. Well, I was too early anyway, so that was the reason.

The group is full of really nice opera enthusiasts. I really loved it. I sang a verse from one of the German songs as an audition and was already put into a production in the chorus. It is awesome. Finally I get a place where I can sing on a regular basis. One step close to doing what I really want. One step closer to being in a real opera house even just in the chorus. I really would not need much more for happiness.

The other good news are that I weighted 73.6 kg in the morning. My jaw absolutely dropped to the floor. That is amazing. More than a kilo decrease from yesterday. I know that I didn't really get to have proper dinner in the evening and that I will gain again once I get to eat something, but at the moment I can gloat in the relatively low numbers there.
Also it appears that I won't be able to have a proper dinner today, so I might (wishful thinking right there) be around the same weight level tomorrow morning as well. Fingers even more crossed than yesterday.

Andy had used his time well at home last night and had concocted a hot sauce that burned my throat and tongue until I got to brush my teeth. I even didn't have a great deal of it. Just placed some on the very tip of my finger to taste. It packs a mighty punch indeed :D
On a bonus side, all of the kitchen smelled really awesome.

We are going out to the cinema today to watch a translation of Puccini's La Boheme from Royal Opera Theater. It has a Latvian singer in the role of Mimi, so I am super excited about that. I know that I will totally love it.
I am heading out in some 15 minutes, so that I can get to Reading in a timely fashion. I am REALLY hoping that the trains are running in a proper fashion tonight. No more excessive hanging around in the train by the station, or I will not be happy about that.

Oh...

The snow is gone today. It is just pretty cold and kind of wet. Wearing my warmer coat today and gloves. I still have freezing hands though, so that is not cool. And my toes also are kind of on the cold side. I think that my blood pressure has really worsened recently. I feel really cold a great deal of the time. A good thing that my laptop is warm and I can warm up my freezing fingers on it. At least a little bit.

And again, I think that that is all. And the work day is too. Tomorrow is Wednesday already and that means that the week will be moving to the end. Yay :3

Unit tomorrow and stay lovely!

A lovely monday for a change

I have been happy today. Due to a simple fact that the ground here in the South of UK is covered with a lovely layer of snow. I really miss snow in winters. I want to have it desperately and I wish there was more of it actually. BUT IT IS THERE!

And that made me grin so noticeably that a stranger came to me when I was waiting for the train and said that I have made their day by being that happy. And that mysterious person made me smile even more, so I can't stop! My jaw is cramping xD

The weekend was really nice. Didn't do much at all and I have nothing against that. I did make that aubergine curry on Friday evening. It was quite lovely actually. And Andy liked it a great deal too. Nice and spicy.

Speaking about Andy, he gave me a huge bouquet of flowers on the Friday evening. Roses and lilies. It is gorgeous. And I can't help but smile from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat whenever I see it or even think about it. There, sitting here at work and smiling like an idiot :3

Also made some Miso soup with shitake mushrooms and a lot of veggies. At least today I can not worry that Andy will starve while I am away in that opera thing. I can't wait actually. Really, really want to go already, but I still have some time, so have to wait. I am way too impatient. I don't know if they will have me sing though. I kind of hope that not, while I am having my natural feminine things going on (yay, not a parent) and it is not a great idea to sing when you have that. At least not for the first three days. Of course, if they ask me to do it, I will. Because I am not giving up a chance to join their group so easily.

Fingers crossed.

The work is going pretty fine. Doing some support things and such. Still have my lunch/reading hour, so that is awesome. Yes, I know that I am kind of lazy.

Weight actually made a great surprise for me on Saturday morning. I was down to 74.8 kg. Then back to 75.5 on Sunday and down to 74.9 this morning. I am happy to see it moving in the right direction, but really would want it to not be all over the place. GO DOWN AND STAY THERE, god damn it! The important thing is that the vegan thing seems to be working. I had some cereal with vanilla soy milk and a banana for breakfast and have two apples with me for dinner as I will be home late and I will not be eating around 23:30. So yeah. Is good. I am hoping that I will have a bit less tomorrow to despite my female stupidity.

Again, fingers crossed :3

And on this pretty happy note I will end this entry.
See you tomorrow hopefully with some good news!

Stay lovely.

Friday

Happy two year anniversary to me and Andy. I am so glad to have him in my life. The luckiest girl in the world. How has he not gotten frustrated with me in all this time, I will never know, but I am so thankful for all of his support and general awesomeness.

So I really want to go home and start preparing some food. I am planning to have some aubergine curry. The recipe sounds very nice and I am really hoping that it is going to be just as nice in the reality. However, thinking about it is making me quite hungry. More water for me.

Work is good. Spent all morning adjusting some templates. Was nice. I am really happy when I can just have a task and then attend to it in my own way, without a need to listen to angry people yelling at me.

Got the first ever email from a headhunter about a job opportunity in London. It probably would involve more than I am earning at the moment. However, since it is a client support role, I don't think that I want to take it. And I have just settled into a new role here, so I would say that I won't be considering switching a company for a while now. Maybe in a year or so, when I am fairly knowledgeable in some technical areas to be able to do that, but not before. I don't want to go back to client support, quite honestly.

Overall, I would say that today is a good day. I feel like I am in a mentally good place and my stomach is not  rumbling for food so intensely as it was in the beginning of the week. I guess that I am getting used to the amount of food that I am having. That is good.

The weight loss is not going so great as of yet, but I am hoping that it will be improving in a bit. Just 100g lost today.

I think that I am safe to say that I am happy today. Really damn happy and that makes me glad.

:3

Not much to say

Hi there everyone.

I have been doing some things today. Finally something new and exciting to learn. I am happy about that.

Actually not much has been happening in the period from yesterday's entry to now, so I am not quite sure what to write about. Maybe that is why I was postponing this entry so much.

Made the risotto yesterday evening. Was super delicious.

However, have gained today. Oh well. I am just hoping that it will be fine again. Fingers crossed I guess.

Had a long thought about McDonald's apple pies today. Unsurprisingly they are not considered vegan. I wish I was more surprised. Basically they don't have animal related products in them, but they are not guaranteeing that they will come in contact with oil where the meat was cooked. Kind of sucks. Really would have loved a pie right about now. Anyway. I'll just go home and eat my leftover risotto.

What else...

Nothing really.

Will be trying to do some singing today. Found a nice peace to learn from 'Patience'. I don't think that it is awfully difficult. Will see how it goes.

I guess that I am going home now. Last email scheduling a thing for tomorrow as early as possible.

Stay lovely.

Mid week ponderings

My legs and ass hurt so much from cycling yesterday. It was a rather pathetic display last night how I was trying to climb down the stairs in my high heals. Took me a long time and was anything but graceful. Made Andy laugh. At least something good came from it.

Didn't cycle today. Because lazy and pathetic.

However, scale showed another small decrease. 75.4 this morning. Doing the weight loss in a healthy (sort of) way is a pain. It comes down so slowly. However, I do hope that it will at least decide to stay down.

I haven't been doing much yesterday or today. Have been reading because I am still not really clear on what exactly will I be doing. Sort of clearer, but not really. At least at the moment I don't really have specific things to do. I guess that is a good and a bad thing at the same time. I feel good about not having stuff to do, however, I feel really guilty about it. Honestly, I don't think that they need me much if I just sit around and read books. Also, I would prefer doing that from home.

On a good note, got an invite to attend a repetition of opera group in Windsor. It is not exactly the best location, but closer than anything that I have found so far. So I have to go there next Monday at 8pm, which is pretty awesome. After all, it is really hard to find something that is available in the evening. They are doing the Gilbert and Sullivan opera Patience at the moment. I would be ecstatic if I could join.

So I got a peace from the opera and I will try learning it till Monday :3

On a different note, I am feeling kind of strange. A bit nauseous, even though I don't think that there is much that I would be able to throw up.

Maybe the beer that I had in the evening was not called for and this is how my body tells me. Don't know. Hopefully it will subside and I will be able to stop worrying about it. I'll have some more water and hopefully that will calm my stomach.

I guess I will make the mushroom risotto again in the evening. It really is good and I liked it a great deal. I feel like having some rice and mushrooms. I actually really crave mushrooms.

Also and observation - I have been cooking way more ever since we started the vegan diet. I guess that is natural as we can't fall back on the safety of ready made stuff, take out or sandwiches. That is probably a good thing.

That would be all for today.

Stay lovely.

Hopefully getting better

Bought some flowers for my work desk today. Finally it is starting to look like my desk. Soon we will remove the extra monitor, so that I have more space. That would be good. Thinking about getting something more on here. Maybe some Star Wars figure or something like that. Or maybe a small turret from Portal. Make it mine so to say.

I feel better with plants in my vicinity. Somehow they calm me down. The same as animals do. I think that it is important for me to feel the link with the nature. Even if I am pathologically bad with keeping plants alive unless they are located in the garden.

I wish our place had a garden.

Anyway.

Had a conversation with my boss about the new work duties. Sounds a lot and overwhelming, but I think that I am in a safe mental place at the moment. So I am having good feelings about it. I just want to have things to do. I hate it when I am bored and I am bored quite a lot. I get bored when there is nothing new to learn. And somehow I get really lazy when I am bored. I won't even look up anything new in particular. And I will get even more bored. A terrible downwards spiral into misery.

My body is trolling me today though. I got a headache yesterday afternoon and couldn't get rid of it until I actually gave up and took a pill around 6am. Slept until 7am. So am really tired at the moment. Stepped on the scale at 6am too. Was 75.6 kg. After the hour that I slept I stepped on the scale again and it showed 76. Don't know what happened there, but I don't like that. Hopefully it was just some kind of a glitch in my system and I will be lower tomorrow. Or at least the same.

Fingers crossed.

I cycled to work again. 12 km. Will have to do the same again in the evening. My ass hurts and my legs are kind of wobbly. It has been a while since I cycled. Will have to train up again. Probably will have to take the train and walk tomorrow though. Afraid that I won't be able to cycle. But will see. Maybe it will not be so bad.

I guess that is all for today.

Stay lovely.

Another week

Hello again.

I was right - I didn't write in the weekend. Honestly I was too happy to really care about anything except being at ease. I am guessing that is going to be the case for most of the time.

We went to see Hobbit. It was really amazing. I loved the movie very much and weirdly enough I was not disappointed at all, even though I had very high hopes for it. I would really suggest you go and see it. Preferably in the 3D with the high frame rate. Made a huge difference.

I love being home. If I could, I probably would step out just minimally. I think that I can get almost all that I want at home too, so I don't really need to go out. Maybe to the shop or movie or something along the lines, but not really for much else. I mean, my two friends are in Latvia, so I see them just some two times a year for a day or so each. And my best friend is right here with me and when he is home, I am mostly also home and that is perfect. All I want is to be with him in our den. And now I am not home, but am sitting here in the middle of an office and am slightly freaking out, because it is too much people around.

I really don't like being around people.

I am trying to just focus on the fact that half of the day is over already and that means that I will be able to head home relatively soon. I like that. I wish that I could go home sooner.

I hate Mondays.

I hate knowing that I still have a whole work week in front of me and there is nothing that I can do about it, but endure it. I know that I will, but I don't want to live for just evenings and weekends. I would want to love what I do. I really wish I could.

I think that I am going to write the Henley Operatic society. That will mean that I would be home less, but that also would let me do something that I love. I don't like the thought of staying away from Andy even for a minute though. But unfortunately I can't have it all. I mean, if I were singing in a theater, I would still have to take additional time away from him.

Anyway.

I think that I am jumping ahead of myself there anyway.

Maybe it all will work out in the end and I will be able to do what I love.

Maybe.

Until then all I have to do is endure and to focus on my breathing when a panic attack comes.

Stay lovely...

Tired

It is just a three day week but I am absolutely exhausted. Haven't even done much lately. Just random things. But I just really want to have the weekend. I dread to think what the next week is going to be like as it is going to be a full working week of five days.

Also I feel awkward having to talk to people again. I had gotten so brilliantly used to crawling off in my little cave and having a good alone time. I don't particularly like having to be around people and socializing. I find it frustrating and tiresome. As IT Crowd stated it "People... What a bunch of Bastards!"

As for the weight I am 76.3kg today. Meaning that it is a 0.4kg drop from yesterday. I like that. But I am also aware that it is the Christmas weight coming off. I will probably again get stuck around 75 and stay there for a long time. That is my current comfortable weight. Really need to break it. Would want to get the comfort zone down to at least 72.5. That would be such a great thing. After all I fluctuate in the 2.5 kg area around my comfort weight. That would mean that I would finally be able to periodically hit my short term goal of 70 kg. Even that would be great. And then I would be able to look into moving the comfort zone down again.

Anyhow. I made a really nice mushroom risotto yesterday. I never really considered that there are many foods that I would be able to eat and recipes to adjust to vegan products. It was pretty awesome. Time consuming as fuck, but so delicious. And the best thing is that I made enough to have it today for dinner as well, so no need to cook. Can only warm it up. No hassle today.

Andy suggested that we could go and see Hobbit over the weekend. I am really excited, which is probably a bad thing, since I have my hopes up and it will probably not be that awesome as I hope it to be. But I am really looking forward to it. have wanted to see it ever since I heard it was coming out which was more than a year ago. So yay for that!

Anyhow. Still an hour until people start taking lunch breaks. And some 3.5 hours until I will be taking my reading break. Living for the break. Look at me, being all adult and whatnot xD

Ordered some stuff from Jinx today. Portal shirt and Companion cube panties. Isn't that typical. Love to shop for cool stuff, heat to earn money. I guess that I have to start coming up with a way how to start liking what I do. Maybe something that I could do from home. That would be great.

I guess that that is it for now.

I don't promise that I will update during the weekend. Most likely will be back on Monday.

See you all then!

New year, new obsessions?

Hello there everyone who still drops by here. It has been a long while. Not because I wouldn't have anything to say... Well... Actually I guess that I don't have much to say.

No matter.

Happy new year to all. I really wish that the 2013 brings new good things. That would be amazing.

I still know my precise weight every day. I don't like it, but I almost physically need to know. I guess that I will never have a healthy relationship with food.

I am actually sitting at work and sort of killing time. I guess that I am not a great person like that. But I am kind of hungry and the closest time that I will eat will be only around seven in the evening. Which is some 8.5 hours from now.

My new year resolution is to become vegan for at least three months. Andy is joining in for a month and then he will see how things are going. I have been terrible throughout the Christmas period. I have showed my face full of food and I sort of hate myself for that because I gained so much. Also I hate it that I never reached my last year goal of 70kg. Not even once. I have been pathetically hovering around 75 all year. And that is sad. I see people lose some 50 kg in a year and I can't even drop 5. That is very upsetting. But I do hope that I will manage this year. I really do. I hope that excluding everything meat, fish, egg and dairy related will make me stop eating like a maniac. So far it only seems like it has made me think about food all the time. And that is not great. Well, as they say, first month is the worst. I guess that afterwards it should be better once my body adjusts to a lack of a whole lot of stuff. Maybe I can do a longer vegan streak. But this is just the second day and I have no idea how it will be.

Apart from food.

I think that I never let you know that I found a job here in UK. Customer support for a programming house. Not bad, when I look at it neutrally. Shit, when I look at it from my self centered perspective. I hate people with every day more. As I said to Andy, every day I linger in that gray area, where I am a couple of stupid questions and a shotgun away from a shotgun massacre. I guess it is a good thing that you can't have a gun in UK. There would be less people here otherwise. I'd take care of it.

I am not really kidding.

Apart from being a horrible sociopath.

I might get a promotion. Funny. I actually wanted to quit my job here. I am still sort of thinking that it would be better for my mental health. I had a nervous breakdown around October. Got officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder in UK. Should be on medication. Am not, because I am stubborn like that.

What else...

I have not sung in a long while. Actually thinking alone about music makes my heart break. I wold prefer not thinking about it, but I can't. It is as if I am still clinging to the dream that will never become true.

Otherwise I am actually happy. Andy is amazing. There is no better person in the world. He is the most supportive person that I have ever met and I love him endlessly and without a boundary. And he spoils me to no end. I have never felt more loved and secure than when I am with him. So after work my life is actually amazing. I am really happy. Something that I had not felt for a long time before he came around. It has been almost two years now and it still feels like that amazing first kiss that we shared under the gentle snow that night in Latvia.

If only I could sing for a living. My life would be complete.