Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Hello again after a long silence

I am not dead.

Let us start with this statement.


I have been rethinking my life a lot. And just have to admit that it has been spiralling downwards with an increasing acceleration. The ED just is making me lose whatever reasonable grain that I might have in my brain. And I just get stuck in the vicious circles of binges-self hatred-starvation-self hatred-binges-etc.

And quite honestly, I refuse to live my life like that. While that is not living. That is mere existance and is making me miserable. And that is a prospect that I refuse to accept. I am the center of my universe. The things around me are there to make ME feel better, feel more amazing, experience more.

Of course, I haven't magically accepted my body as it is overnight. But truthfully speaking - I am kind of happy with myself. There are things that I want to change. I actually might change them in time. But I don't want to make my flaws the major point of my life.

If I were to die tomorrow, I want to die knowing that I lived the life to the fullest. I lived it the way I wanted that. I exerienced all that I wanted to, or at least was striving to fulfill my Bucket List. I want to go thinking that the life has been a glorious ride. The best experience for me.

I am not giving up on this blog.

However, the nature of it is going to be changed. This is about me. This is about what I think. This is about what I feel. Love. Hate. Experience.

It is absolutely narcissistic and egoistic. I know that my future might disappoint a whole lot of people, mainly refering to my parents. But this is the way I am.

So hello everyone! I am almost a 24 year old female. I just finished university and have no idea what to do with my life. But I am wildly in love with the best person in the world, and that makes it all ok in the end.

I want to live my life one day at a time. Live as if this is the last day of my life. I want to make it count.

I guess that I have finally become the "Yes Man" :)