What can I really say? I think that I need you so much again. I tried keeping away. I tried not being the kind of person who would have the ED blog and try starving myself to death. Unfortunately I am and this part of me is not going away.
The last post that I wrote here was in a very deep, dark pit for me. I don't really want to remember how terrible I felt then. Not that it is all sunshine and butterflies now, but it is better. I am still bipolar and I think that I have managed to burn out. I don't want to feel the way that I do right now, while it scares me. Look at that - it's been almost 14 years while fighting depression and trying to live with bipolar syndrome, but it still scares me when I get a really bad phase.
Overall, I should probably be the happiest person in the world. I have Andy, who is an amazing person. I have a good job in a software company, which pays me some money. But I don't have that inner peace which would make me stop relying on food for comfort.
I have been overeating again as you can imagine. So much that I fear that I will have gained so much when I have to step on scale next wednesday at work's fat club. And that number is going to stand there on the whiteboard as a daily reminder how much of a failure I am. I can't even hold on to such a basic thing as keeping myself from overeating all the time.
I had plans to be around 70 kg when we go to Sicily on 16th of June. And that is almost here. I really need to get a hold of myself.
That is why I am back with a liquid fast. I am going to hold to it until Saturday morning. No way out. I have to make my body give up the extra weight that I carry around.
I just have to hold through this. And I know that I can. Four days is nothing. I know that I could do more, but we might be going somewhere over the weekend and that will mean that I will have no way to avoid food. Andy is not going to let me do that. But I might try sneaking through with fruit.
Fingers crossed and here I go again.