Tuesday, 20 September 2011

I'm only happy when it rains...

Ok, so I lied. I did not become better after my last post which was.... when was that again? I don't even remember.

Also I am obviously very good at blogging when my life goes to shit and not so much when I am happy. So it is obviously a perfect time for a new entry here.

So... What has happened really? I am trying to get my drivers license, so I can get the fuck out from Latvia and off to UK to be together with Andy. All would be really nice, EXCEPT last Sunday I managed to already cause a car crash while learning to drive with my dad. Everyone is alive. Thank god for that. My mom obviously didn't use a seat belt while in the back seat and she sprained her arm though. The rest is okish. But again, EXCEPT the fact that now I feel sick from a single thought about driving. I am terrified to drive and have turned into a total mental wreck these last two days. And the driving lessons are like a horrible nightmare to me. The two lessons I have had after crash I have been totally useless. No, no, don't misunderstand me, I can drive. And I do. Obviously I enter some sort of automatic area where my body is doing things for me while my brain is freaking out.

The amount of concentration that goes into each of those lessons is so huge, that after I get out of the car, I can barely stand anymore and my hands are shaking all day.
I've stopped sleeping practically. I haven't eaten almost anything in these two days, while I am nauseous from fear. I can barely drink down liquids.

Yesterday I did get quite slammed on beer in a pub. Because I didn't want to be alone while Andy is at work and can't talk to me on Skype. Only that keeps that last bit of sanity still with me. And he is wonderful. I still don't get it how can he endure my bipolar ass. And not only to endure, but actually try to talk me out of a hysteria.
Also I gave him the address to this blog yesterday... I am afraid about that. Yes. Here I have talked about things that no one knows. And this is my black, little corner of mind. But I don't want to hide anything from him. Not a single thing. So yes. I believe that it was the right thing to do.

Also, I understood that an ED will not just go away even if I decide that it is bad for me. And there is a small part of my brain that feels masochistically happy that I can't force myself to eat anything. That same part that whispers in my ear when I am snacking. The same part that shouts at me if I binge. And the same part that makes me get on my scales all day through... The scales showed 75.2 kg when I woke up. I don't know how long will that last though. Will I be able to get down to 68? Ever? I don't know... I want to but I just have no faith in myself anymore. I don't know if I will drop weight, I don't know will I be able to get a license and I sure as hell don't know if I will ever be able to get my life under control. I am terrified that it will just keep on spinning in all kinds of weird directions.

The only thing that I am sure about is Andy. And thank all of the world's deities that they have given me this perfect person.