Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Hello again after a long silence

I am not dead.

Let us start with this statement.


I have been rethinking my life a lot. And just have to admit that it has been spiralling downwards with an increasing acceleration. The ED just is making me lose whatever reasonable grain that I might have in my brain. And I just get stuck in the vicious circles of binges-self hatred-starvation-self hatred-binges-etc.

And quite honestly, I refuse to live my life like that. While that is not living. That is mere existance and is making me miserable. And that is a prospect that I refuse to accept. I am the center of my universe. The things around me are there to make ME feel better, feel more amazing, experience more.

Of course, I haven't magically accepted my body as it is overnight. But truthfully speaking - I am kind of happy with myself. There are things that I want to change. I actually might change them in time. But I don't want to make my flaws the major point of my life.

If I were to die tomorrow, I want to die knowing that I lived the life to the fullest. I lived it the way I wanted that. I exerienced all that I wanted to, or at least was striving to fulfill my Bucket List. I want to go thinking that the life has been a glorious ride. The best experience for me.

I am not giving up on this blog.

However, the nature of it is going to be changed. This is about me. This is about what I think. This is about what I feel. Love. Hate. Experience.

It is absolutely narcissistic and egoistic. I know that my future might disappoint a whole lot of people, mainly refering to my parents. But this is the way I am.

So hello everyone! I am almost a 24 year old female. I just finished university and have no idea what to do with my life. But I am wildly in love with the best person in the world, and that makes it all ok in the end.

I want to live my life one day at a time. Live as if this is the last day of my life. I want to make it count.

I guess that I have finally become the "Yes Man" :)


  1. You make me happy. It's great so have you back, and so positive and dare I say it-healthy sounding! I look forward to reading you. :D

    P.s. Have been making similar changes!

  2. Good!!!
    Glad you are feeling good!

  3. Hello,

    My name is Daphna Yeshua-Katz and I am a graduate student in the Department of Telecommunications at Indiana University. I have read your blog and would like to invite you to participate in my study about pro-ana bloggers. . I've read your last post about changing the focus of the blog but would still be interested to hear about your pro-ana blogging experience. I am very interested in learning about your motivations for publishing your blog, as well as the benefits the blog may provide to both you and your readers.

    Ideally, the interview would take place over the phone or via Skype. However, if you don’t feel comfortable with either of these approaches, I would be happy to send my questions to you via email. I can schedule the interview at convenient day and time for you. Whichever method you choose, please know that your identity will be kept anonymous and your answers will stay strictly confidential.

    You are also welcome to ask me any questions about the study at any time. You can contact me by email at, phone +1- 812-3204517. In the meantime, you can learn more about me here: I hope to hear from you soon.

    Best regards,
    Daphna Yeshua-Katz

    P.S. If you know more pro-ana bloggers that would be interested in participating in this study please feel free to forward them this invitation.

  4. YAY! That makes me happy that you are back and are on a track to a healthy life and are feeling good!!!!
    So happy for you!

  5. I think that's really amazing and strong of you. You're an inspiration.