Stressed

My exams ar coming and that makes me stressed out. For obvious reasons. I am in the senior year in my uni, meaning, this is the last one. It is finished after one semester. I have to write my bachelor's thesis and pass exams and then I am done with it. I am done with the damn thing and going to get my diploma to stick on the wall and forget about.

I don't have any interest in my lessons anymore. Actually, I sort of lost it in the first year already, but I always wanted to prove to the world that I can finish something, since I generally never do. I lose interest really fast and move on to different things which seem by far more appealing to me. Actually, I was quite sure that I am not going to finish this either. I had a study break for two years. And then I re-entered my last year just to get that diploma thing. Because I couldn't tolerate that look of disappointment on my parent's faces. And they were so delighted that I decided to carry on. Like, I don't remember them being so delighted about something. And then I went and distroied it by admitting that I did this only to finish. That I hope never, ever, EVER to connect my life with it. No matter what! Since I hate it so badly that, if I should choose, pulling teeth seems much more appealing then university.

I want to sing. That is the only thing that I think about. I wake up with the thought and I go to sleep with it. I want to enroll a music academy and become what I am dreaming of. And I know I can. The only thing is that again there are things that I am not so fond of that I just have to do. Like Solfege and history of music and so on and so forth. I can't just sing which would be my dream. To make my dream come true is so important to me. But there are so many people applying every year and the academy only accepts some 10 or so. And I have never studied in a music school, so I have not theoretical knowledge what so ever. And it scares me to the point of panic attacks.

And as a singer I have to be presentable. The time of lard ball opera primadonnas is over. I look at the modern opera stars like Renee Fleming and Natalie Dessay and a whole bunch of others and I am awestruck. And I know that they have to struggle too, because it doesn't all come down to the quality of voice now. I mean, look at the aforementioned Renee Fleming. She also lost a whole lot of weight just to be better for the roles. And I can understand that. I mean, I also have certain ideas how the women in the operas should look. Like Violetta in "Traviata". She can't just be fat. Or Carmen. Or Juliet. Or Mimi (Who dies of tuberculosis in the last act just as Violetta. Somehow overweight and tuberculosis doesn't add up at all. Not that I want to look sick. Just thin). Or Cinderella (A fat Cinderella. That would be a riot xD).

On the same note, I have not been entirely good today. Ate more than planned and trying to think myself out of a binge. At the moment I feel that I am at a relatively safe place. I belive I can deal with it. Just get over the thought that I need to eat more. I didn't really eat all that much either. Just a bit more than planned. Muesly with soy milk for breakfast. A couple of slices of cheese. Lettuce with cucumbers and shrimp for lunch. And a moment ago I got some not so goot things like a cottage cheese desert, a slice of halva and a sandwich. I know that it is not horribly much. Just I could have went without the halva and the sandwich. It was more like an impulsive action to eat those. Anyway. It is practically 6pm and that means that I am not going to be eating anything more. Will try to do some exercise to get it off. I know it is not that hard. Just have to concentrate.

I am sorry for the long rant. Just had to get it out of my system.
Stay safe!