I know I suck

Of course, I didn't just stop at that yesterday. Still had more to eat; a couple of sndwiches, more halva, one more cottage cheese dessert, milk and honey... Seriously! And it seemed like I am going to pass it without binging. Shit! I should get away from any possible food when I feel a black out coming. Because I can't really explain this anyway. One moment I was sitting peacefully and compiling a music list for exams, the second moment I am standing in the kitchen and eating. It is impossible for me to be around food. And the bad thing is that I feel so sitty now. My stomack hurts and I feel hangover. Just like every time. Don't I ever learn?

But ok. It is not like I can change something about that now. Move on and try not making the same mistakes again.

Yesterday I went to sleep in a decent time. Around 11 pm I was already in bed. And hence could wake up at 6 am like I prefer to do. I am a morning person. I just fuck up my daily regime by not sleeping at nights and staring blankly at the PC screen. I should sleep at nights. Especially since I don't care about going out anymore. I just don't care about practically anything anymore. It doesn't feel good though. I used to care about everything; about guys liking me, about studies, about going out, about people in general. Now I am just empty. All that caring faded and left an empty space. And it is cold, since caring was a warm feeling, but emptyness is freezing.
No fucking wonder I am eating. Maybe I should go to a shrink like my therapist said several years ago. She said she will not work with me, because she wouldn't want to be responsible for my death later. She said that psychiater would prescribe me medicines and help me better. I fucking don't need help! Fuck them! I have always dealt alone. And I always will. So this is a bit more complicated then usual, but who gives a damn. In the end there will always be me - Alone.

Now my mood sucks and it is the beginning of a new day. I have exam tomorrow. Oh how fantastic! Whatever about eating, I'll be fucking lucky not to stab myself before sundown.