Tuesday, 18 January 2011

I wish...

... I were stronger...

Had a nervous break down over an exam. A teacher told that I had not done a part of it and that I won't be able to pass this year. Went mental.

Then turned out that I have still passed. Not with a good grade (6 out of 10), but still a pass. So whatever. Should be happy....

But went even more mental.

Lost any sort of control over myself.

Binged, watched three random movies - don't remember much of them, went to a shop to get more junk, binged, threw up from the amount of food, cried, binged again, feeling terrible, watching "The Best Little Girl in the World" (without sound, since YouTube sucks like that), cried again, got a migrene on top of the nausea, self loathed, wished to cut again or swallow truckloads of pills, didn't. Now just feeling morally empty. So much for diet. So much for everything.

Not going to give up though. Maybe the diet was not for me. Maybe I just should not eat. Like at all. Maybe... I don't know anything anymore.

It was not a good day as you can sense.
Never mind the post. I'll probably be ok in the morning. An all night self loathing session will do the trick. Wasn't even planning to write here this time, bet felt that it would be like lying to myself. Like, if I don't admit to someone that I have failed so badly, no one will know, and will think that I am strong and such... What's the difference, if I still know? Better just admit it and take my mistakes in account.

Hope that you are doing better then the horrible failure that is me.

He hasn't texted me today. I don't know if it is good or bad. I wish He would write. Since I miss Him so much. But on the other hand, I don't want Him to write now, since I would probably turn into an even more of an emotional mess, since His messages are all loving and beautiful. Like yesterday evening he wrote about the beautiful ocean and full moon that is there and that: "heart breaks since I don't have you here to share this..."
I am so lucky to have a person like that in my life. I wish I were better. Stronger for him.
Now I am all emotional again. Some sort of a crying period for me...

1 comment:

  1. Oh gosh hun,
    that must suck, the exam. A part that she wuldn't let you even take? Thats terrible :(
    You will be strong hun, theres always that one day you will laugh and think, life can't be that bad, and you will think back on days like this and think "thank god thats over"
    Stay strong (and get even stronger :) )