Hungry

Went away from the available food at my parent's kitchen. I can't risk going into an uncontrolled phase again. Sitting in my apartment and just feeling hungry. I've had so much water and tea today that I am totally not thirsty. Just hungry. Really would like to eat something. But I have planned this as a fasting day, so it will stay like that. Just have to stop thinking about it till I go to sleep.

Shouldn't be too difficult. I have nothing to eat here and when I go back, mum will be home already and mere sight of her makes me stop eating. She is always telling me that I have gotten fat and have to think about what and how much I eat. She and granny together make me want to fade in oblivion.

...

Don't misunderstand me, I love them. I love my parents with heart and soul and I know that they do too. I know that they have my best interest in their mind, just... I am really self-conscious already and telling me what I haven't done and shouldn't do makes me feel really worthless.

I am struggling with myself and failing. They say that I should just stop victimizing myself. And I can agree. I just don't know how. I am trying. I am pushing myself to limits and I feel so vulnerable sometimes. And I explode at everything. And I know that they think that I hate them. But it actually is myself I am screaming at, when I lash out. I hate myself for being the worthless daughter. I am the only child. I know that I'll have to take care of them later on. I know all that. And I am trying to be strong. Like my mum is. She is a very strong person, but she doesn't understand me at all. And she misunderstands me and gets upset and depressed. I have caused depression for my mum and she is occasionally going to a therapist herself. It feels god awful to be this bad of a person.

Just because I am different then her she can't accept me. Just because I listen to gothic music and wear black all the time, I must be a devil worshipper. Just because I don't ace my studies, I am not trying...

I am not trying. Not anymore. I don't feel like trying anymore... I just feel like disappearing...

So I'll become so light that I'll float like a leaf together with the wind. I'll float and disappear in the sunlight... It will be like magic... Just watch me...