Monday, 25 February 2013

Weight and decisions

So I am not really much lighter today than I was on Friday, but at least I am not freaking out about it anymore. I think that I broke it. Actually I had gone up to 71 on Saturday morning when I woke up, so I crawled into a hot bath and spent almost an hour just being there and focusing on my breathing. I guess that I calmed myself somehow, because I stopped flailing around and suddenly the obsessive, desperate need for food disappeared somewhere. So I don't feel like I will eat everything that I lay my hands on at the moment. That is a very nice feeling. So much calmer.

And I am 70.1 today. Or rather, I was in the morning. Don't know about now.

I decided that I am quitting my 500 kcal days and just going to eat breakfast and dinner every day. I have a sneaking suspicion that the limiting days were one of the reasons why I broke down in the first place. I just can't let myself think that I am taking something away from myself, because at that very moment I will do everything to sabotage whatever I am doing. It has been like that all the time really. So I should have probably understood that strictly limiting days are not going to be the way to go in my case. But then again I never seam to learn from my mistakes, so whatever. Thank god that I caught myself just a bit over 70 not back where I started as it normally happened. I just really don't ever want to see a weight that is nearing 80 again.

Andy got ill in the weekend, so I asked him to stay at home while I got the food shopping done for the week. It was a pain in the ass to carry the things home. Absolutely dreadful. I couldn't walk without stopping every now and then. I really can't understand how could I have so much weight on myself and actually exist. I don't know if what I carried home was equivalent of what I have lost now, because I have lost around 20 kg now and I don't think that the bags were that heavy. But how could I go dancing or walking anywhere at all then? How could I wear a mini skirt and think that I looked great? I feel terrified to think how I looked like really. I remember how horrified I was when I actually noticed how big I had gotten. I just really wish that I never have to experience that again. Food may be delicious and soothing, but it is not worth the shame and misery that it has given. It has stolen so many years from me. Time that I will never get back no matter what I do now. I am not going back where I was and that is a promise.

On a positive note, my database course is proceeding nicely. Have a deadline today for some parts of it that I managed to do already yesterday, so that is pretty awesome. And also finished the challenge level SQL exercises today. Will try doing a part of the XML ones tomorrow. Hopefully this will come in handy some time soon. I have a review on Wednesday morning with my manager. I am a bit anxious about it, because I haven't really had anything to do as of yet. At least nothing that would keep me occupied for a period longer than couple of hours. And mostly I have been spending my time doing other things. I want to bring it up to her that it is a bit confusing for me to be around here. I don't have any idea what I should be doing anyway. Really want to have some kind of a project that I would invest my effort in.

Also the opera practice is going on well enough. I feel quite confident about myself and think that I will do really good. The producer and conductor keep noting that I have a beautiful voice. I really hope it is so. I don't want to screw up something this important to me. I never really thought that I will after all manage to be on a stage. Can't wait for the performances, honestly. I know that I am anxious, but it is a good kind of anxiety. The kind that makes you perform better. Also I want to learn one of the main character's arias. It is a really lovely peace and I will perform it in the exam if I can prepare it. I have given myself up to June when I have to already be in a presentable state. So then the last month and a half I can polish off my performance to the level where I would be reasonably happy with myself. That is something that will not come easy. But I am really looking forward to this. And I am really happy to know that I am going off to my repetition in just a few minutes. So very happy. I really hope that I will manage to get into the academy. Maybe that is going to be a foolish decision, but at least it is going to be mine. I can fight for this. Music is the only thing that I keep dreaming of.

Well, I'll try writing tomorrow. Let you know how the repetition goes.

Stay lovely.

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