Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Really tired

For some reason I feel completely physically drained today. It is really bad. When my alarm clock run I was lying there in the bed and had to take some five minutes to actually will myself out from under the blanket. I would have wanted nothing more than just to stay there for so much longer. If it was a holiday it is highly possible that I would still be curling under that blanket and refusing to leave the soft, warm safety. I am hoping that I will snap out of it though, because I pretty much hate feeling this lame. And if I keep on being this lame, it will be so much more difficult to get up when my lunch break comes and to go for a jog. Honestly, I want to just sit around and do nothing. Which I am kind of doing at the moment as again I have pretty much run out of things to do and all I am actually doing is sitting around and doing work unrelated things. I do kind of worry about it. I wish that there would be things that I would be able to do as I just feel silly sitting around.

Well, when I am saying that I am just sitting around, it is not really that I am just staring blankly at the screen. I am studying about databases and learning SQL so that I would maybe in time be allowed to do something more. Though honestly I don't think that I care for this work at all. All I care about is that I would be able to sing again. I live for the evenings when I have my opera group and now that Andy actually is picking me up after the repetition, it is even better, because I get to see him so much sooner and that is really nice. And I get to be with him in the car, which I find very soothing.

I wish my work would be in an opera house. I wish I could be in a choir there. I don't care if I don't get to sing the huge roles, even something tiny every now and then would be welcome. Even if I would be just in the choir and not even have any solo roles at all. I really wish that would be so.

I am going to try and enter the music academy this year. There are no guaranties that I will get in of course. And that would mean that I would be with Andy much less than now. I don't know if that is the right thing to so. I am afraid really that I will fail really badly and that I will lose everything altogether. I mean, I don't know how much of a carrier I have here, but at least that is something that I am getting paid for. I don't know what to do. I want to sing with all of my heart, but I am afraid that it is too late now. I wish there was someone who could tell me what to do, so that I would not be heartbroken in the end. And I do fear that I will be.

I am so lucky that I have Andy. He is the only thing in this whole world that can keep me sane and operational.

I really miss him now...

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