Binge

I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. 70.2 kg today and probably more now, because I had a shitload of muesli in the morning. I ate all evening yesterday. It was purely pathetic. Made a huge bowl of noodles with mushroom sauce and showed them in my face. Then proceeded making popcorn as well and had some plums and dried fruit and nuts on top.

I feel so horrible. Honestly, it has been quite some time since I have had this bad of a food hangover. I feel like I haven't slept at all and am so horribly lethargic and miserable. All I want to do is crawl off somewhere and not come out until my body has gotten rid of everything that I have eaten in the last couple of days. I feel really horrible about myself.

And the worst part is that Andy tried calming me down today, when I was freaking out about it and he kept saying that I am beautiful and so skinny and everything. I really wish that I would be able to see it. But all that I do see is that my thighs are huge and are rubbing together, the muffin top over my jeans and huge arms that look terrible in anything without sleeves. I wish that I could see good parts about me. I wish that I would be able to feel good enough. I really wish that I wouldn't pick up only on bad things about me.

And the worst part is that I really wish to be comforted at the moment and the only way how I have been dealing with it in the past has been by eating some more. And this is not working at the moment. I feel so much more miserable after I showed my face full of food. But I still have the temptation to go and have some more junk just because that is my habit. Just because that is how I have been dealing with everything.

I just want to be able to change. I wish that I wouldn't want to eat so much when I am upset. I wish I could be a normal person, who is able to have a good relationship with food, not someone who can't be in a place where I have access to food at all. I probably should just go home and eat quite a lot of prunes. That would get rid of some stuff that I have eaten. But then again prunes are quite calorific and I don't know if I should do that. But what do I have to lose really? Maybe I could arrange that I am going home a bit early today or something. Grab some Big Tom's spicy tomato juice on the way home, add some more Tabasco to it and wash down prunes. That would most likely ensure that I would have a fun night in the bathroom, but possibly could do some major cleaning.

All I can do at the moment is just to have a load of water really. Maybe that would already flush out some water weight that I am retaining at the moment. I don't know what to do.

All I know is that my body is on the verge of throwing up. That is how overstuffed I am.

Back on the diet bandwagon. I'll try having mostly fruit all through the weekend and hopefully I will be back under 70 tomorrow.

Wish me luck. I really need it.