Thursday, 3 January 2013

New year, new obsessions?

Hello there everyone who still drops by here. It has been a long while. Not because I wouldn't have anything to say... Well... Actually I guess that I don't have much to say.

No matter.

Happy new year to all. I really wish that the 2013 brings new good things. That would be amazing.

I still know my precise weight every day. I don't like it, but I almost physically need to know. I guess that I will never have a healthy relationship with food.

I am actually sitting at work and sort of killing time. I guess that I am not a great person like that. But I am kind of hungry and the closest time that I will eat will be only around seven in the evening. Which is some 8.5 hours from now.

My new year resolution is to become vegan for at least three months. Andy is joining in for a month and then he will see how things are going. I have been terrible throughout the Christmas period. I have showed my face full of food and I sort of hate myself for that because I gained so much. Also I hate it that I never reached my last year goal of 70kg. Not even once. I have been pathetically hovering around 75 all year. And that is sad. I see people lose some 50 kg in a year and I can't even drop 5. That is very upsetting. But I do hope that I will manage this year. I really do. I hope that excluding everything meat, fish, egg and dairy related will make me stop eating like a maniac. So far it only seems like it has made me think about food all the time. And that is not great. Well, as they say, first month is the worst. I guess that afterwards it should be better once my body adjusts to a lack of a whole lot of stuff. Maybe I can do a longer vegan streak. But this is just the second day and I have no idea how it will be.

Apart from food.

I think that I never let you know that I found a job here in UK. Customer support for a programming house. Not bad, when I look at it neutrally. Shit, when I look at it from my self centered perspective. I hate people with every day more. As I said to Andy, every day I linger in that gray area, where I am a couple of stupid questions and a shotgun away from a shotgun massacre. I guess it is a good thing that you can't have a gun in UK. There would be less people here otherwise. I'd take care of it.

I am not really kidding.

Apart from being a horrible sociopath.

I might get a promotion. Funny. I actually wanted to quit my job here. I am still sort of thinking that it would be better for my mental health. I had a nervous breakdown around October. Got officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder in UK. Should be on medication. Am not, because I am stubborn like that.

What else...

I have not sung in a long while. Actually thinking alone about music makes my heart break. I wold prefer not thinking about it, but I can't. It is as if I am still clinging to the dream that will never become true.

Otherwise I am actually happy. Andy is amazing. There is no better person in the world. He is the most supportive person that I have ever met and I love him endlessly and without a boundary. And he spoils me to no end. I have never felt more loved and secure than when I am with him. So after work my life is actually amazing. I am really happy. Something that I had not felt for a long time before he came around. It has been almost two years now and it still feels like that amazing first kiss that we shared under the gentle snow that night in Latvia.

If only I could sing for a living. My life would be complete.

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