Nemo

So I forgot to update yesterday. I wasn't busy, wasn't too tired, just... forgot.

Anyhow. Let's start with the fact that it was super fun to ride again. I hadn't been on a horse for I don't even remember how many years :D Definitely want to do that again sometime.

But on the negative side, yesterday was fucking cold! The wind was blowing so hard and it was even snowing periodically. And there we were on the horses for an hour in this shit weather. Also were outside for an hour before that and two hours after that, because obviously, the fucking bus comes once every two hours there and we missed one. As a result, I still feel a bit shaky inside. Yesterday after returning home say under a blanket with hot tea all evening and shivered.

And this leads to the fact that I sort of binged yesterday. Still had less then 1000, but it was suposed to be 300kcal day :/ At first had my peace of chicken and the bullion to keep me warm, but then started feeling my throat go numb and freaked out that I can fall ill. Hence ate honey and a couple of apricots. Should have stoped there, but then I don't even know why, ate three slices of smoked ham. Because it smelled so good, that I couldn't resist.
And felt like shit all the time.

Today woke up with a sore throat and full nose. So the honey didn't change anything. Shit :/
But went to the gym and ran till I saw that I have burned 1000kcal. At least that should undo the damage. But again the downside - I tripped over my own feet and I seem to have sprained my hip joint. So probably won't go to gym tomorrow. And my stomack is sort of upset that I ate that much yesterday.
Today is 400kcal day in ABC, but I am planning to have only slightly over 200. Serves me right for yesterday.

Anyhow. Off to do some cleaning. Burn some more of those calories.
See you later :)

P.S.
Andy made me smile like an idiot with a single message. I can't be more happy <3

Kurshi

I really should be writing my essay not blogging but this is probably the last thing that I can figure out to procrastinate. I have done everything else already xD Even watered flowers all over my apartment, did some knitting while watching Simpsons, ate my cauliflower, thought about eating everything that my gran made today, which frustrates me. Actually still thinking, but I don't really want to, which is crazy.

But the day has not been bad.

The Day 6 (200kcal) of ABC is almost done. I am hoping to go to bed in 2 hours and hence avoid food by all costs. I hate it when gran is here. She cooks absolutely obsessively. I came upstairs at 12pm and she already had cooked a whole bunch of stuff. Then she proceeded to making salads, and meat, and potatos, and baked mushrooms, and etc, etc, etc. I think she is crazy! I have begged her so many times not to do it. But she does it never the less. I have cried, tried reasoning, shouted, threatened and cursed. Nothing works. And it is so difficult to sit here when the whole apartment smells of food 24/7. It is like a temptation galore every day. But I am fighting. I don't want to give up again. There I go again. Talking about food all the damn time. I am just so angry at the moment that I don't even want to see her :/

But I went to the gym in the morning. Spent almost 1.5 hours on the treadmill. Ran 10km and burned 750kcal. That was nice. I am still feeling a bit tired. But not all that tired, so I think I will be a-ok tomorrow to go again.

Ah. I wanted to comment on the song for today :D It is a Latvian folk metal band and they are ones of my favorites alltogether, so yeah. I am a bit of a nationalist. Have to admit that. And I am proud of my roots. I just wish that the government weren't such cunts. Anyway. If you like this one, you might like also other songs from them. Look around for Skyforger on youtube and such ;)

All right. I have run out of things to say xD No reason at all to put off writing anymore. So will make some tea and get to it.

I hope that this day was nice for you all too :)
Stay lovely <3

Wishmaster

I am so tired and there is absolutely no reason for that. Have been sitting on my ass all day and watching TV. And daylight savings suck! Seriously, it is 8:20 pm already. Feels like it shouldn't be that late.

Yes... And I guess some more elaboration about that last post should be due. umm... I don't even know where to start.
Well, probably it would be the best to start off with the fact that I had a lot of fun in the concert. It was real awesome. We had a photoshoot with my band playing-ex (that's too long to write out every time. Let's call him Bill) and some more friends, had a lot of beer and Jagermeister. The other Ex actually told me that his girlfriend is crazy jealous of me, which made me lol really hard.

But yes, getting to the point of yesterday's post. I have a really hard time with accepting and/or giving love openly. In the 8th grade I had my first BIG crush, which resulted in a disaster and me having a nervous break down and going absolutely mental. My classmates found my diary and after that my crush and the rest of my class made my life a living hell. Basically they drew me to the first time of trying to commit a suicide.
And after that point I don't trust people. Anyone at all. And also I promised to myself never ever to say "I love you" to anyone unless I would be 200% sure of the feelings in return. Basically I said that I will not give a shit about love ever again and hopefully won't have to deal with this tedious feeling.
So at this moment for me to really want to go and scream at the world that I love Andy is terrifying to me. I just don't want to be heartbroken again. I am too tired to pick up the peaces all the time. And I know that even now, if he would break it off, I'd be devastated. And what if I get these stronger feelings? That would probably drive me to the point of madness. And I am afraid to let someone have that much control over MY life.
So maybe that explains a bit more about what is going in this twisted little world that I call my mind.


But on to more cheerful and way shorter side of my post.

Day 5 (100 kcal) of ABC is done. Actually didn't even feel like eating at all. But had some lettuce with a spoonful of plain yoghurt and 2 small carrots. I really hope to see a decline tomorrow. I just don't want to be fat anymore. Enough is enough.

Oh. My parents just arrived, so I am signing off. Have to go and greet them.
So bye, bye. And till later.

Lovesong

Andy. I miss you like crazy. And the fact that I am drunk totally doesn't help me out at all. I wish I could tell you all of the things that go through my mind all the time. And the funny thing is, that you are there in at least half of the thoughts.
And I actually wish that I was not this drunk, but I am witing your this letter that will never be read by you.

Actually... Just wanted to say - I love you.

That's it...

Bad List

I think my cat hates me today. I am staying alone at home, since the rest of my family left for the country house. I am so happy, like you couldn't believe it. But anyway, I decided to try bringing my cat downstairs to my basement, but he obviously hates the place or something. It has been 5 hours since I brought him here, and he stopped crying by the door just after two hours and for the last three hours has been sitting under the table and not coming out. I don't even know why. It is so frustrating, because he is supposed to be MY cat, but I see him the least. Which sucks. Will have to bring him back upstairs, because I think that he will have a heart attack, if I leave him alone when I go to the party.

And WhiteSkinnyAngel, your comment made me laugh so hard :D I have very liberal attitude towards sex, yes. And being nimphomaniac doesn't exactly help it. So I have lost my count quite a long time ago. Those guys were my ex-friends-with-benefits so to say.
However, now that I am together with Andy, it just feels really wrong to even think about others in a more intimate way. And he knows this about me and hasn't judged me for that. I can't ask for more ;)

Oh yes, Day 4 of ABC (400 kcal) - finitto :) Had my boiled fish with avocado and lemon two hours ago. It is 8pm and I am getting ready to go out. No more food for me. Also planned out my diet till the end of March. Now I just have to stick to it and it will be awesome. Also bought the foods that I will be needing for the next three days. That is - almost all. Will have to go and get my cottage cheese tomorrow around dinner time. Forgot to get it today :D Actually, it feels really strange to plan out the meals so much in detail. Really unusual and will take some time to get used to. But I keep telling myself it is worth everything.

So anyhow. I am going to get my hair and make-up done now. High time to do that, since I am going out in less then 2 hours or so :D

Stay strong and keep rocking!

You give Love a Bad Name

So as you can figure there is a pattern to the songs appearing in my blog. Generally, I post the song that I am listening at the moment of writing, so you get more of the mood that I got here while writing xD I am just a dork like that.

Anyhow, I am sipping the last cup of tea ("Yoga tea" from a local producer "Apsara". Which is really yummy and spicy). The day 3 of ABC, which is a 300kcal day, is successfully finished. I have the tomorrow's food already planned out. Actually will have fish and salad, since it is going to be 400kcal day and I can incorporate it. Also planning to go out in the evening and dance my butt off. It is going to be a goth night at one of the local clubs, so I am excited to go. My Ex is going to DJ and my other Ex is going to play with his band. We are still awesome friends with both, so it is all good. And being around those two always makes a hell of a good evening :D

Also I have almost finished kntting myself a bag. Which is awesome. I am guessing that I still have some 3-5 biggest loser shows worth of knitting to do though. Maybe finish it till Monday, but I am not really rushing. Still planning to do a solid amount of work on my essay. Hopefully somewhere between 5-10 pages worth of it. That would be nice to see.

Anyhow, I am really tired now and don't even know why, since I haven't exactly been doing anything much. Just sleepy and such. So off to bed with me.
Good night and stay lovely!

The Beast Must Die

Yes, the name of the post is absolutely unrelated. But the song rocks, so that's why I am using it anyway ;)

Today was the second day of ABC so it was a 500kcal day the same as yesterday. However, I didn't feel like eating all day. For lunch had a boiled broccoli and for dinner one orange. Didn't even feel like eating that orange, but thought that it will be better to stay on the safe side and have it anyway.

Last night was quite fun. Not awesome, just average. Nothing really interesting, so I am just happy that I burned some calories on that dance floor. I really felt like I wanted to get drunk again, but having no money prevented that. It has been a while since I was drunk and I am missing it a bit. What can I say, I like my alcohol.
But at least I was good. I have always been picking up guys at parties, because I like sex a lot. But I didn't this time. And I must say that it felt wrong to even consider that. I have never previously felt wrong about it, so that was new. I guess Andy has an impact on me in this area as well. Will have to take some time adjusting to that, but it was not a bad feeling. When I came home at 6am all I wanted to do was skype him and tell that I am home. Though I miss him really bad despite the fact that we are on skype practically 24/7 :) But it is less then 2 weeks left till he comes so I am fine with that.

Tomorrow morning will go to gym. I don't care how, but I have to persuade myself to do that. I actually feel bad about not going there.
And next week me and my cousin are going horseback riding. We got an hour long ride as a present from my parents. I am super excited. Can't wait.

And by the way, I forget to mention all the time, I am taking part in a lose weight for charity project here in Latvia. The amount of weight we lose till the end of April is going to be donated to help three really sick kids. Gnerally I just want to lose as much weight as possible. And if I can go well into 60s by then I'll be super glad. And I know that I can pull it off. It shouldn't be so difficult, because I know myself. I just need to avoid binges. And since I am on ABC it should be all good.

Anyway. It is late and I am really tired. Off to sleep with me :)
Good night, my lovelies!

ABC

So I decided to start ABC diet. I think that it might be my last opportunity to drastically drop weight till Andy returns. Especially because I have been horrible in the last week or so, because I fell into some sort of emotional slump again.

I think that the last year of the uni is having its toll. I know I have to do so much, but I don't want to, so it is pressing on me with a weight of thousand suns. I need to write my bachelor's essay. And I know that I should be half done with it already, but my procrastination has lead to the fact that I have just some fifth done. And I get so stressed out about it that I am in a horrible mood and with no energy and I want to crawl away from people and barricade myself in my apartment with movies and comfort food. Which will just corrupt my situation even more in the long run.

Fuck... I wish I could just magically travel in time to end of June, when I will be over and done with that shit. eh... I am allowed to dream.

Anyway. It is time for me to get back to work and stop whining about things.
Sending you all skinnies.

The Curse of Millhaven

Glitch and Moonlight Mistress! I am so honored that you thought me valuable of the award especially considering all of the failures that I go through. Really thank you, girls!

So then here I go with the 7 facts:

1) I used to draw all the time. All of my notebooks were covered with doodles and I carried around a whole map of drawings around. However, for the last two years I can barely ever get any inspiration to pick up a pencil.
2) I honestly think that the amount of negative thinking about Japan and how much I don't want to have anything to do with it lately, has had some impact on the fact that the whole country is getting eliminated now. The bad part is, that I can't force myself to feel guilty. Which makes me a bad person obviously.
3) I think a lot of twisted things. Gore flicks and horror movies make me squeak with glee.
4) Sometimes I think that I will end up in prison eventually.
5) Music is my air. If there would be no music, I would off myself for sure. Actually it has kept me from killing myself so many times in the past.
6) I have considered hitman and stripper as legit carrier opportunities for me.
7) I want to know everything in the world. That is why I read all sorts of unrelated books.

As for the 10 bloggers that I would want to bestow this upon:
1) Toni
2) Kat
3) MadelinaCooke
4) Olivia Lee
5) Journey back to SKINNY ME!
6) WhiteSkinnyAngel
7) matrunner
8) Charl.
9) Thin_Envy
10) billiejean_1

I love reading your blogs, girls. And I am really sorry that I don't comment all that much. The stuff is going really hectic here and it is hard to wrap my head around everything.

On the other hand, I had a feeling that I really want to draw today. so this is what came out of the silly sketching session:



Nothing really fancy or anything, but just something. That is how I see my cigarette smoke. I have been smoking a lot lately. Which is probably not good, but whatever.

Oh and this song is going to make me smile a lot from now on. Andy sid that it has always reminded him of me. Which is sweet. And I love that song.


Anyway. Have a nice day everybody :3

Binge and whatnot

I want to start with a huge thank you for the support on the previous post. Girls, you are awesome! Though that makes me feel really shit that I couldn't go at the diet for all weak.

The day after the fast I felt so sick after the gym that decidet to have some food, but of course being that horrible person I am, I ate so much. Obviously those three days of diet did absolutely nothing in the long run. I am feeling huge and lethargic, like all I want to do is sleep till I wold feel empty again. Hate this stuffed feeling. Even bought natural laxies - sennae pills. But of course, since they are natural and stuff, the effect is so mild, that it is practically non-existant. So absolutely no use just a waste of money.

Tony, you asked about fasting with diet coke on my last post. I do believe that it is not a healthy thing to do quite honestly. Considering the fact that Coke can help you get rust off from metal and stuff. But I have never been big on health, so I tend to overlook that. It is more like that feeling - it is sweet and tasty and I can still have it. It helps me fight my cravings for certain time. I hope that I could explain xD

I keep staying up really late. Which is Andy's fault. We are both horrible procrastinators and keep putting off our study/job things. And to do that we skype a lot. And look on internet for all sorts of fun things and share them... And it becomes like a neverending circle of doing nothing productive. I mean tonight 3am I was still not sleeping and browsing 4chan for lack of better things to do even though I had decided be a good girl and work on my bachelor's essay. And to top it off I was snacking on crisps. Now it is 9:30am I woke up just now and I am feeling sleep deprived and my stomack hurts from eating too much and too late.

On a more positive note, we are learning a lot about each other and just how corripted we both actually are. I don't believe that there is even the slightest chance for heaven after I die. And the thing is, I'm totally ok with that.

Relatedly, have some Jim Jefferies speaking on religion and pandas to improve your mood ;D I am warning you, if you are really religios, you are going to get insulted, don't watch. But he actually nails my oppinion really well xD



Anyway. Have a great day, lovelies. I'll try not to procrastinate and talk myself out of dong nothing all day again.
Have fun :)