Hello, everyone :)

I know that I keep being a horrible blogger, but I am thinking that it will change in the nearest future.

Andy left and returned to UK. He is starting work tomorrow and I am super excited for him. The job sounds great, and the team too.

BUT I feel totally crappy that he needed to go. It has been less than a day and I want to feel his hands around me again. Thinking that he will be away for at least other 3 weeks is just intolerable. And this actually is very surprising to me. I have always been very good at staying away from people and being alone, but now I am just pathetic. Actually was watching girl movies, cried and guzzled down ice cream shake like an animal. Which is pathetic, however rather normal, if I look at it from a normal person's point of view. It is normal to be upset and such. But it has been the best summer of my life so far, and not having Andy in the same time zone just drives me up the wall. So yes. At the moment I am not exactly the happiest trooper out there.

Anyhow. Tonight I have to go to my job again. Actually I am quite glad that I need to do that, since that might give me some sort of chance to get my thoughts in order.

But anyhow. I am kind of planning to make a daily schedule for myself again. Start running again, since I have been really getting lazy in this area. I am a bit hyped up about that, since I am planning to go to UK as well as soon as I am done with my driving school, which means, I am hoping to leave as soon as in two months. And I am VERY excited to do so. There is a truck load to do till then though.

But yes. Very happy about everything. Kinda satisfied with everything that is going on. And I never thought that I might be this very much at ease :)

I do hope that you all are doing fine as well.
I can promise that you will hear from me very soon again. See you then and bye for now.

Hello again after a long silence

I am not dead.

Let us start with this statement.

However.

I have been rethinking my life a lot. And just have to admit that it has been spiralling downwards with an increasing acceleration. The ED just is making me lose whatever reasonable grain that I might have in my brain. And I just get stuck in the vicious circles of binges-self hatred-starvation-self hatred-binges-etc.

And quite honestly, I refuse to live my life like that. While that is not living. That is mere existance and is making me miserable. And that is a prospect that I refuse to accept. I am the center of my universe. The things around me are there to make ME feel better, feel more amazing, experience more.

Of course, I haven't magically accepted my body as it is overnight. But truthfully speaking - I am kind of happy with myself. There are things that I want to change. I actually might change them in time. But I don't want to make my flaws the major point of my life.

If I were to die tomorrow, I want to die knowing that I lived the life to the fullest. I lived it the way I wanted that. I exerienced all that I wanted to, or at least was striving to fulfill my Bucket List. I want to go thinking that the life has been a glorious ride. The best experience for me.

I am not giving up on this blog.

However, the nature of it is going to be changed. This is about me. This is about what I think. This is about what I feel. Love. Hate. Experience.

It is absolutely narcissistic and egoistic. I know that my future might disappoint a whole lot of people, mainly refering to my parents. But this is the way I am.


So hello everyone! I am almost a 24 year old female. I just finished university and have no idea what to do with my life. But I am wildly in love with the best person in the world, and that makes it all ok in the end.

I want to live my life one day at a time. Live as if this is the last day of my life. I want to make it count.

I guess that I have finally become the "Yes Man" :)

Dancing

7 things you want to do:

1) Enter a music academy
2) Graduate uni
3) Get a carrier as an opera singer
4) Kidnap Andy :3
5) Lose weight
6) Figure out a way to get insane amount of money
7) Be permanently happy


So Andy left last night and I miss him already. Go figure why. I guess that this might feel like a junky feels. Don't know :3 Just yes. Addictive. And a hickey on my neck is a bit sore. Wondering how sore his are xD

He said "I love you" yesterday and it felt so... right to say it to him too. My only regret is that it took us so long. Eight years of knowing each other. Eight years which have flown in a frantic blurt of insanity closing in. How different would it have been, if only we would have thrown caution to the wind already then. But even now - this has been worth everything. Worth every moment of hertbreak that I have had and every moment of sorrow I might have in the future. Everything is already worth it.

Still can't believe that he is not a figment of my overactive imagination.
Maybe I am just sitting around in my apartment and talking to myself. Somehow I find such a prospect highly amusing.

Burning candles and watching "Clockwork Orange". And waiting till he will wake up after arriving at home. I just wonder if I'll be capable to stay awake till he logs in. So impossibly tired.

I slept through my uni lecture this morning. Woke up 5 minutes before the end of the lesson.

I probably should try writing some more for my essay, but my brain has turned into mush and totally is not cooperating. Anyway. I'll just read some files and maybe I might even still come up with something.

Good night everyone <3

Ohne Dich

8 things you're known for:

1) For my headphones - I listen to music 24/7 and if I am out of my house, I always have headphones with me. Basically it is as if I would have them permanently attached to my person.
2) My silence - I know how easy it is to insult people and since I don't really like people alltogether I rather keep my opinion to myself. Even if it is totally a selfish move to get things for myself.
3) For the fact that I didn't speak to almost anyone except one person all through my first year in Uni.
4) For being that one chich who wears black a lot.
5) For singing in a band. Even though we were not popular or anything.
6) For drinking waaay too much xD
7) For being a really nice, trustworthy person - this one actually surprises me every time when I hear it. With my socially awkward, avoidant personality, which doesn't like people very much at all and watches gore flicks as comedies, I am srprised everyone still thinks of me as a nice person xD
8) For spending too much time online :D

So lately I have been a horrible blogger. I know, I know :) And OnMyWay, thank you so much for being concerned about me. You are such a sweetie :)

But the point is, as you already know, Andy is visiting and actually he is leaving in 11 hours - by bus to Tallin and then by plane to England.
This is the first time that we have spent so much time together and I am so happy with life all the damn time, that it is barely possible to keep any form on concentration. It seems that we have exchanged our average drugs of choice with each other and it is practically insufferable to be apart. And everything seems fine. In place. Fun, exciting, happy even. Feelings that I had forgotten for a very long time.
I am not sure how sane it is in our case, being both sociopathic and all. Probably if the world knew, we would be forced apart xD Quoting Andy: "Are the two of us just a killing spree waiting to happen?" But it feels right. So I don't even care if the rest of the world explodes and rains blood over me. I might be even happy with that - no one left to bother us.

...

Ehem... Ok... That was probably too much information :D

As for anything else, we went to the cinema to see that new movie "Paul". It was so funny. I mean, how awesome can it get - an alien with an attitude. I would strongly suggest it to anyone into scyfi and comedy :3

Get Your Body Beat

I repaired my platform boots :D Bought the glue that is meant for shoes and glued the platform back. I was so frustrated when they fell apart. They are one of my favorite shoes ever, so no deal, if they start to fail.
And it is getting warmer outside. It has been raining like a motherfucker though. So still below 10 degrees Celsius. But I am ok with that :3

I haven't heard that voice that usually is screaming at me for eating anything at all. I don't know why. Maybe Andy has something to do with that. I have been just happy this last day. I hadn't even imagined that I missed him that much. When I saw him yesterday it was almost as if my world suddenly was right again. Like he was the missing puzzle piece. And everything was ok. And I have been eating like a normal human being and lost a kilo. Even had some chocolate.
Met Andy's dad and his grandparents. It was nice. Then stayed over at his place and had a fantastic time together. Today I am just drifting on the cloud 9 and want to dance to everything. Actually have a real dfficulty to sit here and type xD
Anyway. He is picking me up again sometime real soon. And we are going to another ex-classmate and his girl. Sounds like a nice night. Just have to do stuff tomorrow. Have to be in uni and stuff :/

Bwah! I am gone! He is here already. Till later <3

Personal Jesus

Ah nostalgia. It has been hounting me a lot lately :D So that's why you are getting a really nostalgic song for me. Manson was something that started my transition from what everyone likes to what I like. I still remember "The Dope Show" showing on the local Music station. Manson was so shiny and new then xD And despite the fact that I was listening to Spice Girs, Backsreet boys, and *gasp* Britney I was waiting for his videos :3 eh... *sigh* good memories. The past me would probably never imagine just how deranged I'd get xD

Anyhow, I am meeting Andy's grandparents tonight. I am excited and fidgety. Hoping that they won't go all "What were you thinking!?" on him afterwards :D But I am so happy that I don't give a damn. As long as he is happy with me I don't give a shit about what everyone else is thinking. And he seems more then happy, so in your face, world! >;3
But I really need to get ready, therefore this is going to be a rather short entry :D

To finish it off

9 things that make you happy:

1) If I have a good day in singing lessons. I am extremely happy when I can sing something better then previously.
2) Winning things. I am a very sore loser and most likely will hold things against people. If I participate, I want to win. Winning makes me feel better then everyone.
3) My cat and cats in general. They are so funny and cuddly and I just want to touch them all the damn time (my cat is not amused by this xD)
4) Going to concerts. I love rocking out to my favorite bands and DJs. That is one of the reasons I loved working as a bartender. The busy days with DJs were awesome.
5) Andy. He someow manages making me smile and laugh a lot.
6) Watching movies. I love watching movies. I could probably go on movie marathons non stop. Normally, if I am doing something on my PC I am paralelly watching something on my laptop.
7) Dancing. It makes me feel free.
8) Thunderstorms. I act like a retard and pull my clothes off and dance around half naked in the rain when I am in the country and there is a thunderstorm. And generally go for a swim as well. Risky and stupid - my kind of activity :D
9) Not having things that I have to do in set periods of time. Deadlines stress me out.

Temple of Love

10 things you do when you're bored:

1) Watch movies non-stop.
2) Read a book.
3) Do hand crafts.
4) Listen to music and dance.
5) Surf the net in hope to find something entertaining.
6) Surf art pages.
7) Try working out.
8) EAT :/
9) Go for a walk.
10) Start cleaning the house obsessively.


***

I can almost not wait anymore. Andy is arriving tomorrow in late evening. Yesterday/today we skyped till 4am. I woke up 8am with understanding that I am not going to manage going to gym today and drifted back to sleep till 11am. But that's ok. I can't feel upset. I can't even force myself to be as upset as usually about the huge increase in weight due to constant binges during the weekend. I am just bouncy and want tomorrow to come sooner.

Anyway. My cold is ever present, which is not cool. Throat is sore and nose is stuffy. But I have a singing lesson in several hours. I have no idea how I'll pull it off. But whatever. I have had lessons also with blasting hangover, so this shouldn't be horrible xD

Did some beauty procedures - meaning pampered myself with an epilation, bath and facial. If I can't be as skinny as planned, then at least I am going to look as good as I can with what I have at the moment.

Also I think that I need to go grocery shopping. I want to treat my boy, whn he comes. And my fridge looks very empty. It would be horribly difficult to make anything at all. I just hope that I have stopped the period binge frenzy and am again safe to go in a shop and not buy just junk and nothing healhy. Fingers crossed.

Also tomorrow in the morning I have a spa appointment to do ultrasound lyposuction. I hear that it is real good and you can get 1-3 cm off after just one visit. I am not sure if I want to get it for waist or for thighs. It will probably be a last moment decision xD

Anyhow. That is all for now. Long post was long :D
Stay wonderful girls!

...

I am such a disappointment to my parents. Probably will lose everything that they have worked for and push them in an early death. Then die myself in poverty from alcohol poisoning or just go totally crazy.

I am not up to music today.


I wish I was stronger.
I wish I wouldn't have to cry.
I wish I cold be a better person one day.


11 signs you're not into someone:

1) I start giving very short answers.
2) I become totally introverted.
3) I start trying to avoid meeting them.
4) I openly ignore them.
5) I'll start looking around a lot.
6) I'll say that I am leaving for bathroom and then disappear forever.
7) I'll start deliberately trying to insult them.
8) I'll try arguing with them about everything.
9) I get irritated about everything.
10) I'll lie that I am ultra busy and can't talk to them, meet them, write.
11) I'll tell them straight to the face to leave me alone (this would happen, if I have enough drinks beforehand, and the person has annoyed me long enough)

Not meant for me

12 signs you're into someone:

1) I keep staring at them.
2) I start rememering everything about them in a bit of a stalker fashion xD
3) I try hanging around somewhere near.
4) I either talk to them excessively, or run off to other end of the room. Depends if think I am becoming too obvious.
5) If I know that attraction is mutual, I'll go for physical contact: hugs, kisses, whispers in the ear, you name whatever.
6) I'll probably won't go for other guys, when I have set my sight on someone xD
7) I start fidgeting and being nervous overall.
8) They get genuine smiles.
9) I'll go in a emotional shut-down, if I see other girls coming on to my target. And if I am not feeling totally confiden about myself.
10) I'll become agressive, if someone touches something that is mine. And I am feeling confident that it is mine.
11) I'll show my ownership rights in all sort of ways. Generally with hickies in obvious places >:3 Mine is mine. I don't share.
12) They will be able to get things from me way easyer. And I'll go to rescue if there is such a need.

***

I am feeling horribly passive today. Quite honestly, I don't feel like doing anything at all again. Especialy go to the marathon practice, because I didn't sleep enough and have been eating like a loser. Bleh. But I know that I will feel way better about myself if I go, so no getting out of it.

Also decided to fast till Wednesday. I need to get those period munchies under control finally. Because a normal person shouldn't be able to eat that much.

My gran is sort of pouting that I don't hang around the parents apartment. Because mom and dad went off to country house, and she is feeling neglected. I know that, but I can't really help it. I don't want to be around people. I have become much more irritable and gran has this ability to make me explode in a matter of seconds even in a good day, and then I go and cuss and scream and throw tantrums and am generally not a nice person to be around.

I still have a load to do with my essay. I wish I could persuade myself to concentrate on it more. I just don't get inspiration to write. It looks more like me sitting and staring at the screen for hours.

I need to go and dry my hair. Stupid temperature is still hanging around 0 degrees. I just hope I don't get more sick after this. That would suck, because I am already caughing my lungs out and can't breathe through my nose. Which sucks big time.

Anyhow. Time to go.
Think thin!

Slept so Long

I don't even know why I cut myself a couple of times just now. I think it was to see myself bleed again. I admit, I miss the kick that bleeding gives me. Like drugs.
But I know that these couple of scratches on my thighs will be still visible for a week or so. Probably Andy will ask. What will I say? No idea. But I don't care. I missed the taste. I think I'll say just that.

Maybe my sanity is slipping again. It has been a long time since I felt a further slip. Interesting that it is a one way road. Just deeper and deeper down. I thought that I had hit a mental plateau. Now I guess that not anymore. Hmm...

I guess that I am feeling high.

I'll be waking up in 5 hours again. Should go and sleep, but not feeling like doing it. Feeling like I want to listen to Queen of the Damned soundrack over and over again. Dance the night away in candlelight.

Just four days to go

...

I've slept so long without you.

I see hell in your eyes
Taken in by surprise
Touching you makes me feel alive
Touching you makes me die inside