Weight and decisions

So I am not really much lighter today than I was on Friday, but at least I am not freaking out about it anymore. I think that I broke it. Actually I had gone up to 71 on Saturday morning when I woke up, so I crawled into a hot bath and spent almost an hour just being there and focusing on my breathing. I guess that I calmed myself somehow, because I stopped flailing around and suddenly the obsessive, desperate need for food disappeared somewhere. So I don't feel like I will eat everything that I lay my hands on at the moment. That is a very nice feeling. So much calmer.

And I am 70.1 today. Or rather, I was in the morning. Don't know about now.

I decided that I am quitting my 500 kcal days and just going to eat breakfast and dinner every day. I have a sneaking suspicion that the limiting days were one of the reasons why I broke down in the first place. I just can't let myself think that I am taking something away from myself, because at that very moment I will do everything to sabotage whatever I am doing. It has been like that all the time really. So I should have probably understood that strictly limiting days are not going to be the way to go in my case. But then again I never seam to learn from my mistakes, so whatever. Thank god that I caught myself just a bit over 70 not back where I started as it normally happened. I just really don't ever want to see a weight that is nearing 80 again.

Andy got ill in the weekend, so I asked him to stay at home while I got the food shopping done for the week. It was a pain in the ass to carry the things home. Absolutely dreadful. I couldn't walk without stopping every now and then. I really can't understand how could I have so much weight on myself and actually exist. I don't know if what I carried home was equivalent of what I have lost now, because I have lost around 20 kg now and I don't think that the bags were that heavy. But how could I go dancing or walking anywhere at all then? How could I wear a mini skirt and think that I looked great? I feel terrified to think how I looked like really. I remember how horrified I was when I actually noticed how big I had gotten. I just really wish that I never have to experience that again. Food may be delicious and soothing, but it is not worth the shame and misery that it has given. It has stolen so many years from me. Time that I will never get back no matter what I do now. I am not going back where I was and that is a promise.

On a positive note, my database course is proceeding nicely. Have a deadline today for some parts of it that I managed to do already yesterday, so that is pretty awesome. And also finished the challenge level SQL exercises today. Will try doing a part of the XML ones tomorrow. Hopefully this will come in handy some time soon. I have a review on Wednesday morning with my manager. I am a bit anxious about it, because I haven't really had anything to do as of yet. At least nothing that would keep me occupied for a period longer than couple of hours. And mostly I have been spending my time doing other things. I want to bring it up to her that it is a bit confusing for me to be around here. I don't have any idea what I should be doing anyway. Really want to have some kind of a project that I would invest my effort in.


Also the opera practice is going on well enough. I feel quite confident about myself and think that I will do really good. The producer and conductor keep noting that I have a beautiful voice. I really hope it is so. I don't want to screw up something this important to me. I never really thought that I will after all manage to be on a stage. Can't wait for the performances, honestly. I know that I am anxious, but it is a good kind of anxiety. The kind that makes you perform better. Also I want to learn one of the main character's arias. It is a really lovely peace and I will perform it in the exam if I can prepare it. I have given myself up to June when I have to already be in a presentable state. So then the last month and a half I can polish off my performance to the level where I would be reasonably happy with myself. That is something that will not come easy. But I am really looking forward to this. And I am really happy to know that I am going off to my repetition in just a few minutes. So very happy. I really hope that I will manage to get into the academy. Maybe that is going to be a foolish decision, but at least it is going to be mine. I can fight for this. Music is the only thing that I keep dreaming of.

Well, I'll try writing tomorrow. Let you know how the repetition goes.

Stay lovely.

Binge

I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. 70.2 kg today and probably more now, because I had a shitload of muesli in the morning. I ate all evening yesterday. It was purely pathetic. Made a huge bowl of noodles with mushroom sauce and showed them in my face. Then proceeded making popcorn as well and had some plums and dried fruit and nuts on top.

I feel so horrible. Honestly, it has been quite some time since I have had this bad of a food hangover. I feel like I haven't slept at all and am so horribly lethargic and miserable. All I want to do is crawl off somewhere and not come out until my body has gotten rid of everything that I have eaten in the last couple of days. I feel really horrible about myself.

And the worst part is that Andy tried calming me down today, when I was freaking out about it and he kept saying that I am beautiful and so skinny and everything. I really wish that I would be able to see it. But all that I do see is that my thighs are huge and are rubbing together, the muffin top over my jeans and huge arms that look terrible in anything without sleeves. I wish that I could see good parts about me. I wish that I would be able to feel good enough. I really wish that I wouldn't pick up only on bad things about me.

And the worst part is that I really wish to be comforted at the moment and the only way how I have been dealing with it in the past has been by eating some more. And this is not working at the moment. I feel so much more miserable after I showed my face full of food. But I still have the temptation to go and have some more junk just because that is my habit. Just because that is how I have been dealing with everything.

I just want to be able to change. I wish that I wouldn't want to eat so much when I am upset. I wish I could be a normal person, who is able to have a good relationship with food, not someone who can't be in a place where I have access to food at all. I probably should just go home and eat quite a lot of prunes. That would get rid of some stuff that I have eaten. But then again prunes are quite calorific and I don't know if I should do that. But what do I have to lose really? Maybe I could arrange that I am going home a bit early today or something. Grab some Big Tom's spicy tomato juice on the way home, add some more Tabasco to it and wash down prunes. That would most likely ensure that I would have a fun night in the bathroom, but possibly could do some major cleaning.

All I can do at the moment is just to have a load of water really. Maybe that would already flush out some water weight that I am retaining at the moment. I don't know what to do.

All I know is that my body is on the verge of throwing up. That is how overstuffed I am.

Back on the diet bandwagon. I'll try having mostly fruit all through the weekend and hopefully I will be back under 70 tomorrow.

Wish me luck. I really need it.

Anxious and stressed

I am not feeling very well at the moment. Sitting here in the office and shivering wildly. It is so cold for some reason and it appears that I am the only one who is cold as everyone else keeps windows open and sits here in t-shirts. Also I am brutally tired. All I really want at the moment is put my head down and sleep. Maybe not even put the head down. My eyes seem to by trying to close of their very own volition. And that has been like this for most of the day. I don't think that cycling to work could have exhausted me this much. I really doubt it.

I am very hungry. Honest to goodness, I would fuck up my diet if anything at all would be here. I mean, I could nick a packet of crisps from the shelf, but a packet would count for 750 kcal and that would mean that I can't really have anything afterwards. I am so miserable at the moment that I have no idea what to do. I am afraid that I won't be able to cycle home normally and get stuck somewhere in between and have to walk for a long period of time.

I think that I am having an anxiety attack at the moment. Really need to pull myself together.

And I think that it was caused by the fact that I couldn't go running in the lunch break as I had planned. Damn guys in the office fucked up my lunch break time by going late and at the point where they were back, I couldn't go anymore as it would be too late. I hate it when I make plans and can't do what I was thinking. It makes me miserable and pretty much lost. And in this case has caused stress and anxiety and a bit of self hatred, because I failed to run today. How can I succeed with anything if I can't even manage to go running in my lunch break.

I am so very tired and really need Andy to calm down. And really need to go home right about now. I am scared that I will attach those crisp bags like a hungry animal any second now.

Just have to endure. Just half an hour.

Love has returned

Andy is home. Finally the part of me that was missing for the last week is back with me. I slept so ridiculously well tonight. Even though it was just for some five hours, I woke up really rested and happy. No matter that it was Monday and I had to crawl out of home to go to work. I know that in the evening I will return home and he will be there. That is all that really matters. I think that I really can't be alone anymore. And that does make me think that maybe trying to enter the music academy isn't going to be the best idea of my life, because that will mean that I will be seeing him so much less. But there are no guarantees that I will be accepted, so I think that I am jumping a bit in front of myself there. So I will try and stop doing that.

So on Saturday night our friends came to visit me while Andy was away. At least I didn't feel all that lonely for that evening. It was a very nice thing of them to visit. I made some vegan food for them. Tried out the vegan schnitzel that I found in the health food shop. It was really good. Tasted a lot like meat that I hadn't expected at all. So I am probably going to introduce it in the normal food routine on quite a regular basis. at least when I get a desperate craving for a stake.

Found some more vegan stuff in the shop, so I will be probably expanding on the available recipes that I have. That is a really nice feeling.

However, today is my under 500 kcal day again. I haven't had anything at all so far and I know that I will get to have some snacks only around 11pm. it is not really great to have anything that late in the night, but I know that we will have the Graze box delivered with some snacks, and I don't think that I can avoid having half of it together with Andy. That will pretty much cover some 300 kcal right there, so I don't really have an option to have anything else. Which is a bit of a bummer, because I would kill for something right now. Something that is not water at least. Or not cold water. I actually want to have a cup of tea quite a lot, but then I would have to participate in the tea rounds with the others. I don't want to do that. All I want are some two cups of tea during the day, which I never have now. I just really don't want to make drinks for everyone especially because they have drinks like every hour or so. And if you make a drink just for yourself, you are severely frowned upon. I guess that I am not a team player. I would strongly prefer that the drinks would be made by individuals or at least that making myself a cup, wouldn't be considered a breach of etiquette.

Anyway. It is just half an hour left until I can sod off from here, so whatever really. It is not like I will die from the lack of tea suddenly.

I am going off to the repetition afterwards. Have been looking forward to it very much. I think that I can start practicing singing again from tomorrow at home. The cough is almost completely gone now, so that is pretty good. Took it long enough already. I really should already know the text though. Shame on me for not really managing my time better. Should have studied yesterday, but felt really tired, so I didn't. Basically sat on internet all day long and did nothing worthwhile at all. And that is such a stupid thing to do when I am pressed on time on several things. I really should reconsider how I do things. Maybe draft a basic daily plan for stuff. Maybe that would resolve my miserable time management skills and break my procrastinating vibe. At least I wish. I really don't get it how people manage to do things in a timely fashion not as a last second thing.

Oh, even though I have gained in comparison to yesterday, when I hit 68.8 kg, I feel really slim today. Did some measurements and it appears that I have lost 4 cm from my waist and 5 from hips. That is pretty awesome if you ask me. Especially the hips. I really want to have slimmer thighs, so that they would not rub together when I am walking. That is a very frustrating feeling and really uncomfortable in warm weather. And now the summer is approaching and I really want to look good. Don't want to feel ashamed when looking at a picture of me in a swimsuit or to try specifically coming up with a position where I look the least fat.

So that is all for today really.

See you all tomorrow.

Friday ramblings

So yesterday was my under 500 kcal day. I was really hoping too see some downwards movement in my weight. However, all I got was 100 g off, so I am 69.4 kg. I know that I shouldn't feel disappointed about this number. It is already an amazing result that I am under 70kg in under two months. But I just really would wish to have the number go down faster. It is a stupid wish, but there is nothing that I can do about it. It is just my miserable wish to have my own body back not this one, which is fat and unhealthy. I don't want to feel ashamed when I look in the mirror. I know that I did this to myself. I was the one who got my body this horribly out of shape.

On a positive note, I tried on a dress that was too small for me and it fits like a glove now. There are even some places on it that I would have wanted to be a bit tighter. That was really nice. I just kind of wish that I would have an occasion to put it on. Otherwise I can wear it at home and that is not really the best idea since it is a really nice dress. I would really need to go to a theater or something along the lines.

I am really happy that it is a Friday though. I feel so tired lately that I don't know what to do with myself. Also woke up tonight at 2:30 am with a complete certainty that I have to get up. Actually did get up and crawled off to the bathroom. Afterwards looked at the clock and crawled back into the bed and under the blanket. I suppose that I should not drink a liter of liquid right before going to bed. It throws off my body and makes me wake up in the middle of the night all disoriented and all.

I am thinking that I might invite two friends over tomorrow evening for a vegan meal. One of them is a meateater and his girlfriend is vegetarian, so I don't think that they are really used to completely vegan stuff. Well, that would be a change in their diet as well and I don't think that it is such a bad thing. It is quite nice to try out something new every now and then. And why not try something that is healthy and delicious at the same time.

Andy is coming back only on the night from Sunday to Monday. I am disappointed of course, because I thought that I will be able to have him for myself for half of Sunday. This is probably another proof why assumptions are bad. You get pretty disappointed, if they come out wrong. So I kind of dread the weekend alone. Don't know what to do really. I know that I will find stuff. I could just as well play videogames all day through. After all I haven't had a chance to do that much since I am too ashamed to play while Andy is home. He is not super awesome at them, but he is way better than I am, so I generally don't play much. I don't even know why, because he really supports my attempts to play. It is just my stupid mentality that makes me ashamed of stuff, if I am not bloody brilliant at it at the first go. Probably should start reconsidering it and working on it, because I can't just avoid doing stuff, because I think that I suck at it. Like that I will never get better at anything.

I am thinking that I will postpone singing a bit more. I still have some of my nasty cough, so I don't want to do some damage by being a bit too eager to start again. Even though I am pretty pressed for time. Have just until the end of July to get myself in a pretty good level so that I would have a chance in hell to enter the academy even in the group that has to pay for themselves.

Anyway, I think that this is all.

Take care and have a great weekend.


Becca: Thank you for the encouraging words. I always am arguing that people are not made for running. At least I most certainly am not. Hopefully I will get better though if I start doing it regularly.

Thursday stuff

My legs really hurt today. I am so unfit, it is completely ridiculous. I don't understand why I suck so badly when it comes down to running. I would have though that if I can walk for long periods of time, I would be able to run as well, but no, I am half dying after every minute of running. Hopefully I will be able to train myself up eventually. My goal is to be able to run 10 km in under an hour at the moment. It will take a fair share of training though because as it is I am completely useless.

Had the midterm exam for the database course today and kind of fucked up. Had only 12 out of 18 in the end. Was kind of hoping that there will be two chances at it, so I just jumped the gun with the first attempt and obviously there was just one attempt. Should have probably though that it will be like that. It was a damn exam after all. I don't think that you normally get multiple attempts at passing an exam. So that was stupid. I just hope that I haven't fucked up my chances to get a certificate with distinction in the very end. I would like to be able to put that on my CV and in my linkedin. Maybe I would be able to get something reasonable that I would be able to do from home in Latvia in the evenings or something. Hope dies last. I know that I should probably do some web design course as well and carry on with the programming lessons. After all, that would give me a shot at a work that I would be able to do to help me take care of myself without actually having to come in.

I guess that I will be going off from work a tad earlier today though. There is not much to do and I will be getting a lift to the station, which is really nice.

See you again soon enough and I promise a longer entry then.

Really tired

For some reason I feel completely physically drained today. It is really bad. When my alarm clock run I was lying there in the bed and had to take some five minutes to actually will myself out from under the blanket. I would have wanted nothing more than just to stay there for so much longer. If it was a holiday it is highly possible that I would still be curling under that blanket and refusing to leave the soft, warm safety. I am hoping that I will snap out of it though, because I pretty much hate feeling this lame. And if I keep on being this lame, it will be so much more difficult to get up when my lunch break comes and to go for a jog. Honestly, I want to just sit around and do nothing. Which I am kind of doing at the moment as again I have pretty much run out of things to do and all I am actually doing is sitting around and doing work unrelated things. I do kind of worry about it. I wish that there would be things that I would be able to do as I just feel silly sitting around.

Well, when I am saying that I am just sitting around, it is not really that I am just staring blankly at the screen. I am studying about databases and learning SQL so that I would maybe in time be allowed to do something more. Though honestly I don't think that I care for this work at all. All I care about is that I would be able to sing again. I live for the evenings when I have my opera group and now that Andy actually is picking me up after the repetition, it is even better, because I get to see him so much sooner and that is really nice. And I get to be with him in the car, which I find very soothing.

I wish my work would be in an opera house. I wish I could be in a choir there. I don't care if I don't get to sing the huge roles, even something tiny every now and then would be welcome. Even if I would be just in the choir and not even have any solo roles at all. I really wish that would be so.

I am going to try and enter the music academy this year. There are no guaranties that I will get in of course. And that would mean that I would be with Andy much less than now. I don't know if that is the right thing to so. I am afraid really that I will fail really badly and that I will lose everything altogether. I mean, I don't know how much of a carrier I have here, but at least that is something that I am getting paid for. I don't know what to do. I want to sing with all of my heart, but I am afraid that it is too late now. I wish there was someone who could tell me what to do, so that I would not be heartbroken in the end. And I do fear that I will be.

I am so lucky that I have Andy. He is the only thing in this whole world that can keep me sane and operational.

I really miss him now...

Sadness

Andy had to leave tonight to go to Latvia for his granny's funeral. She died on Saturday morning. I am really sorry that I can't be with him. It is such a hard time when someone passes away. And I really think that I should be there. Through thick and thin. But I couldn't get more holidays. That is out of the question. I already had to take three days off last week as I was having a really bad fever and lost my voice completely. So I am going to be paid less this month already. I just couldn't do anything about it. But I feel so bad about it. I know that it is not correct that I am sitting here at work.

I will come back to an empty home this week. He will return only on Sunday, so my Valentines day will be spent by myself again. I wish it wasn't like that. But there is nothing that I can do about it. So might as well stop moaning. I'll go home, light a candle for the granny and spend a week by myself.

Today was a good day weight wise. I broke a new barrier. I was 69.5 kg this morning. I haven't seen a 6 in the beginning of my weight for eight years. I was really glad about that. And maybe I will be able to drop down to 67.5 by the end of this month, which will mean that I will have dropped 10 kg since I started vegan diet on the 2nd of January. I really hope that I can do that. I don't know if it is possible, as that would mean losing 2 more kg by the end of the month, but the hope dies last. I really hope that I will not suddenly break down food-wise again. I have had a relatively low breakdown amount this year, so I am again hoping that it will stay like that.

So now it is time for me to go home, do some singing exercises, warm up the vegan pie and have a quiet evening.

Take care and see you soon.

TGIF

I love Fridays. Not with the passion that I feel for Saturdays, but that probably is the second best day of the week. I love knowing that soon I will be done with the work week and I will be able to go back home and have a chilled out weekend.

Furthermore, I have plans for tonight. We are going out with Andy and his work mates. One of the guys is leaving to work in a different company. He is a cool guy. I do hope that beer evenings will not be lost.

But yeah. We are going out and I will have some beer and all will be awesome. I am a bit worried though that I will probably get quite slammed really fast. Because I have not been eating as much as I used to some time ago, alcohol has become so much more potent. I had a beer recently and felt a bit tipsy from just one pint. That has never happened before. Also, I hope that I will not do something stupid food wise when going home. Because I have a nasty habit of having really bad alcohol munchies. I think that I might need to take an apple or something like that for when I am coming home just so that I don't go and blow everything on a burger or something along the lines.

I'll just have to trust myself there.

My weight has fluctuated slightly. 100 g up, but that is ok. Actually I am really surprised. I thought that it will be way more. I made amazing rice noodle and peanut butter dish in the evening and Andy and I had enough for me to just nap on the couch afterward and huff about having more than I actually needed. But it was so worth it. I actually was thinking that probably it will not taste all that good. Somehow the combination of noodles, peanut butter and paprika didn't make me go all 'YUM! That should be amazing', but I am so glad that I did risk it. Definitely will be making this one again some time soon. Andy liked it too, so that is good.

I am really surprised that Andy has so far liked all of the vegan food. He generally is a meat person. But he even enjoyed the cauliflower dish that I made last weekend and he normally hates cauliflower. I am so happy that I can make these things and make them delicious enough that I don't just lust for meat all day long. That is good.

Also I understood that it is a pain in the ass to go out to a restaurant. Since we are going out today, I was sitting there last night and studying the menu of the place. There are not really many opportunities that I would be able to get. Possibly am going to get some fries and the green salad. Again depending on what kind of oil do they use and other annoying things. I am so frustrated that there are no vegan or vegetarian restaurants in Reading. Well, we could probably go to London some weekend and go to a vegan place. I have been browsing a great deal on the happycow.com and even managed to find a vegan Japanese restaurant. That would be cool :3

Also I am leaving work early and not taking my lunch. So I get an extra hour at home to get ready to go out. Which is cool. I like being home early. Also am really hoping that the score for Patience will be there already. Or at least tomorrow morning. I really need it. Actually the person from the opera group called in yesterday and said that I might get a small role in the production. That would be so amazing that I can't even believe it. I have to wait for Monday to get to know that. Fingers really crossed :3

I think that this is all for today and most likely I will see you again on Monday.

Stay lovely!

Annamaria: I am definitely going to reward myself with shopping spree. That is planned for the next weekend, when I will actually have some money to spend. Planning to go to a sports shop and buy myself all new sports gear :3

Not overweight anymore!

Today is a celebratory day. I have reached 71.8kg and that means that I have entered normal BMI zone. How amazing is that? I absolutely can't believe it. Honestly, I cried this morning when I saw this number. My goals suddenly feel realistic and possible. It is not like I am just fighting my weight with no results. I am so happy. So unbelievably happy.
Fatsecret.com threw a warning that I am losing weight too fast. I actually feel so proud when I get it. Like it is something that would prove that I am losing more than just the scale. 'Warning! You are losing weight at a very fast rate!' Just confirming that those really are my numbers make me proud. Do you get that too? That feeling that you are doing really well just because someone is trying to warn you about it? Probably do. I guess that it is just natural.

I do fear that I might break down though. That is a constant thought in the back of my mind. That I will get too comfortable and start sinning here and there with food and it will come back. I do worry about it. I really never want to go back to what I was. How miserable I am in my relationship with food. I don't know how it will go once I actually do reach my goal weight. Where do I go from there? Can I maintain or is it just going to be a constant struggle where I will go up and then will have to battle it all down again? I hope that it is not going to be like that. I really hope that my body will finally get used to eating healthily and I will start eating to live not the other way around. All I can do is hope that it will be so and that three months of being Vegan will teach me how to rationalize my food intake.

I think that I will be trying to stay mainly vegan after the three months are done. But I think that I will also have occasional snacks of non-vegan variety. Just because I don't believe that it is good to deny my body something that it craves very badly. Like this week I was craving potatoes and having some was good and I even beat my mini goal of 72.5. My new one is 70, of course. That big target, which will mean that I will be back to the weight that I was in when I was in the period of 17-19 years. I really can't wait. I want to be down to 65. Just to know that I will have done something really spectacular and gone back to my weight when I was 15-16 years old. I rally want that.

Just to feel beautiful again.